Part of growing up is learning more about how the world works. And one of the ways you learn
is by experimenting. Trying stuff, because why not? I don’t know what’ll happen, and besides,
it could be fun. So it’s only natural to look back at stuff you did when you were younger,
and had less experience, and think whyyy would I do that? Knowing what you know now, it seems dumb,
but you wouldn’t know what you know now if you hadn’t tried what you did then. Which is
mostly my way of justifying the dumb stuff I did when I was a kid so you don’t judge me because I
DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER, OK? *crying* I was just a sweet innocent child trying
to find his way in a cruel and confusing world. Some of the dumb stuff I did as a kid wasn’t that
big of a deal, and is honestly kind of adorable. Like one time, I got a cardboard box, I brought
it to the top of the stairs, climbed in, and slid down. Like a rollercoaster - made of cardboard.
Five year old TimTom didn’t know what would happen once he ran out of stairs. However,
thanks to past-Tim’s sacrifice slash experiment, we now know that the box will espolode,
and the sole passenger will indeed smack the concrete floor of the basement, and it will hurt,
and much like a baby bird slash fighter pilot he will lay there in shock before shouting “MAYDAY!”
because that’s what you’re supposed to shout when you are in trouble. Apparently.
Speaking of stairs... when I was younger (and smaller) I would climb stairs on all fours. I’d
lean over and go into animal mode. Something about it just felt faster, and I think it’s probably a
more efficient way to climb stairs when you’re little, you know? But the thing is, I only lived
in a house with stairs for about a year when I was 5, so I built that habit when I was young. But
then we moved to a place that didn’t have stairs, which meant I never really had the opportunity to
outgrow it. As far as my body was concerned, the best way to climb stairs was still like a dog.
It just came naturally. So years later, when I was a teenager, I remember going over to a
friend’s house for the first time, and when we went up the stairs to his room, my muscle memory
kicked in and I clambered up the stairs with the all coordination of a greased-up baby deer.
Both him and his mom were like “What uh… whatcha doin there?” And sure that’s kind of embarrassing,
but old habits die hard. So as much as I knew it looked weird for me to rumble up the stairs like
that, I probably only had one or two opportunities a week to break that habit and practice walking
like a normal person. So every time I went over to his house, I would go back on autopilot and
continue to climb the stairs like a total weirdo. I’m not the only one that climbed
stairs like that, right guys? Guys? … *distant voice* Ok I’ll just be over here if you need me…
One time I pooped in the bushes! Don’t worry, this one also happened when I was 5. I’m not
goin’ around pooin’ all willy nilly as an adult. Go over to a friend’s house, “Excuse me, could
you point me toward your shrubbery?” So I was at a playground and there was a huge bush that had this
little tunnel through the middle, just big enough for a little kid to walk through. And on either
side of the tunnel, the bush had what I can only describe as two tiny rooms in it. For some reason,
the boys on the playground were taking turns going into the bush and peeing in one of the little
rooms. And at this point you can probably guess the rest of the story. I needed to go number two,
and I figured if one of the rooms was for peeing… then the other... must be for pooping.
I will remind you that I was only 5! A five year old without TP. This is where my memory of the
situation goes about as fuzzy as an analog TV in a blizzard. I don’t know if I admitted to
my mom what happened, or if I just pulled my pants up and dealt with it later. Either way,
the whole ordeal was very uncomfortable. But at least that time I was the only victim of my
stupidity… if you don’t count my mom having to put up with a smelly boy. Another time - and again,
I was only 5 and couldn’t possibly have known better - *sigh* I saw someone do that classic
magic trick in a movie where they rip a tablecloth out from under a bunch of plates and silverware,
and everything stays in roughly the same place. That’s because of a little thing called...
inert-a. But I didn’t know physics when I was a kid, so when I tried, I failed to properly account
for several variables. Here’s how it went down. One of my friends came over to play, and I was
excited to show off a new trick I saw on the TV. But I didn’t have a tablecloth or anything
to put on it, so I looked around the house until I found something close enough. The bathmat in the
bathroom was kind of like a tablecloth, so I had her stand on it, and yanked it as hard as I could.
Instead of effortlessly slipping out from under her like I expected, her feet flew out from under
her with the bathmat, and she slammed her head on the edge of the bathtub. And, she didn’t make it…
very long before bursting into tears. My mom rushed in and asked what happened,
and I didn’t wanna get in trouble so I said that she fell. Which is… technically true!
Please don’t judge me I feel awful enough. But one of my favorite stories to tell from
when I was a kid happened a few years later. One hot summer weekend, my mom installed a brand new
ceiling fan in our living room. That doesn’t seem important, but stick with me. Not long after,
one of my friends and my sister and I were hanging out in the living room, trying to cool off.
My mom poked her head in to tell us she was gonna run to the post office real quick, and
would be back in about 10 minutes. A little while after she left, my sister went to the kitchen and
grabbed a few cans of soda, and a ballpoint pen. She explained to us that the rivet that holds a
can’s pull tab on is in the exact center of the can, and you can use a pen to punch a hole in it.
So, she put a hole in the top of a can, covered it with her finger, gave it a little shake,
and then drank some soda by shooting it into her mouth. It was kinda cool,
and my friend very enthusiastically tried it out for himself, but he shook his can
way harder than necessary, and I guess he didn’t have great aim, because when he went to drink,
all he got was a nose-full of carbonation. When he pulled his head out of the line of fire, the
jetstream just kept going. It absolutely covered the ceiling, and my mom’s brand-new ceiling fan.
My sister and I just looked up, frozen in horror having no idea what to do. Before
we could even finish processing what just happened, my mom walked in with a big smile
on her face that lasted for about two seconds before shouting “I WAS GONE! FOR 10! MINUTES!”
The aftermath of that story is that my friend started crying because my mom
yelled at him, and we never spoke again. Also, some of you may know that I hide an
ice cream cone in every video, but I’m gonna make things interesting this time around and
run a contest. The first person to find it in this video owes me twenty dollars! Have fun!