I land at JFK, I take a cab to our apartment,
I collapse on our beloved couch,
and it hugs me.
Jen gets me some mint tea and some hot-and-sour soup,
and I say, "Clo...
[laughter]
people with kids...
are miserable."
[laughter]
And look, maybe I have a low tolerance for children, 'cause...
I've lost a lot of great friends to kids.
[laughter]
Because it really is like a disease in some ways,
but it's worse than a disease, 'cause they want you to have it, too.
[laughter]
They're like, "You should have kids, too."
"I'm watching you do it
and I'm thinking I'm gonna not do it."
They're like zombies. Like, "You should eat brains."
"I'm watching you eat brains and it seems like it ruined your life."
And the way you kill zombies--
You probably know this from the movies, right? Is you shoot 'em...
-in the head... -[laughter]
with a shotgun.
Or...
you chop off their heads with a machete
or a samurai sword,
which is also
the way you kill anyone.
[laughter]
So I'm talking about this with Jen, and she laughs,
and I laugh, and we laugh...
as one.
[laughter]
And then she says,
"But if we had a baby,
I think it would be different."
[laughter]
And I was like...
[imitates gun being cocked]
[laughter]
You got bit!
[laughter]
I tried to remain calm. I said, "Clo, I was very clear...
when we got married that I never wanted to have a kid,"
which, by the way, gets you nothing.
[laughter]
Being very clear...
[laughter]
is apparently useless,
because she said I was clear.
I didn't want to have a baby at the time, but that I might change.
And I said, "I was clear...
[laughter]
I would never change."
[laughter]
She said, "If you don't want to have a baby,
maybe I'll have one on my own, and we can stay married."
And I said, "Oh, that'll be a good look."
[laughter]
Just you, and me, and this kid
that's a cross between you and some grad student
jacking his way through SUNY Purchase. I mean, you can't...
[laughter]
You can't have a kid on the side, like...
-[laughter] -"We keep him in the shed!"
I mean, people do it. I've seen the documentaries.
It's just... those aren't my role models.
And then people will be like, "You guys have kids?"
I gotta be like, "She does."
[laughter]
She says a baby wouldn't have to change the way we live our lives.
I said, "Did you get...
less smart?
[laughter]
Because you used to be so smart,
and what you're saying currently, it...
-is factually incorrect." -[laughter]
By the way, I've never wanted to have a kid for seven specific reasons.
[laughter]
Number one, I've never felt like there should be more of me in the world.
Don't get me wrong. I think one is funny.
You know? One...
Ha-ha! Good one!
You know what I mean? Like...
"Let's get tickets." But...
[laughter]
But I believe in survival of the fittest,
and this is not the fittest.
-Like I... -[laughter]
I have the body of someone who's just about to start P90X.
[laughter]
And then, doesn't. And...