From its ignorant adults to some blatant body-shaming to a handful of dead bodies, violence, and
innuendos that are hard to ignore, The Goonies features story components that made no sense
for the young audience the movie was geared towards. Here are things only adults notice
about The Goonies.
The Goonies doesn't waste any time in grabbing your attention. In the movie's opening scene,
In the film's opening seconds, viewers bear witness to the unfortunate scene
of a prisoner hanging in the county jail as an officer releases the inmates for lunch.
Turns out the joke was on that cop... and us! The prisoner is Jake Fratelli, and he
lures the cop in only to reveal he wasn't actually dead. With a wry smile, Jake clobbers
the man and unhooks himself from the make-shift noose he created.
With his brother Francis pouring gasoline all around the building, and Mama waiting
in the getaway car, things are kicked off as Jake emerges - donning a scarf and fedora,
for good measure. Because, really, what's the point of conducting the perfect getaway
if you can't do it decked out in your Sunday best?
Needless to say, this introduction is necessary in painting the Fratellis as a gang to be
reckoned with. But between Jake's fake-out and Francis' taste for setting fire to things,
this sure was a jarring way to begin a kids movie.
Lawrence "Chunk" Cohen is one of the members of the Goonies. Chunk is an unfortunate nickname,
for sure, and one that is perpetuated throughout the film, what with the kid's love for ice
cream and pizza.
"Pizza?"
"Shh."
After the jailbreak, a chaotic police chase ensues. And wouldn't you know it, Chunk witnesses
the whole thing. Instead of listening to his story, though, fellow Goonie Mouth forces
the kid to do the embarrassing "Truffle Shuffle" in order to grant him entry to the house.
But this sort of fat-shaming wouldn't fly today. Richard Donner told Uproxx in 2015.
"So much humor comes from pain. Although, I'm sure he was too young to be analytical
about it, but I'm sure that was part of his instincts. It was a painful scene."
Painful or not, that scene really painted a picture as to who Chunk was. He ended up
spending most of the film separated from the group, leading to the inevitable relationship
he created with Sloth.
From being a prisoner to the Fratellis, to making friends with Sloth, the movie ends
with Chunk inviting the seven-foot-tall emotionally-challenged stranger to live in his house. He doesn't
consult his parents, or consider the logistics of fitting this giant dude in the bathtub,
the couch, or his bedroom. Chunk doesn't pay his parents' mortgage, but he's paid the price
of life. Apparently, that's enough.
After Mikey finds an old map in the attic, the group - with the help of Mouth's impeccable
Spanish-speaking skills - translate the message and ponder the mythical legend of the pirate
known simply as "One-Eyed Willy."
"One-Eyed Willy. Yeah, he was the most famous pirate in his time! My dad told me all about
him once!"
This discovery is the inspiration behind the whole crazy adventure the kids go on. Not
only was there allegedly riches on the pirate's elusive ship, this treasure hunt was a symbol
of their last summer together.
For the movie's two-hour duration, the Goonies are put through the proverbial ringer. They're
chased by armed criminals, dodge booby traps, and overcome physical challenges all in the
name of the buried treasure that awaits them.
And while the hunt for One-Eyed Willy proves fruitful in the end - the kids come out on
top while the Fratellis pay the price - no one ever acknowledges the big elephant in
the room: One-Eyed Willy is totally a euphemism for male genitals.
The kids set off to do their Goonies thing, leaving Mikey's big brother Brand all tied
up. That doesn't stop him for long. To catch up to the gang, he takes extreme measures...
which includes hijacking a young girl's bicycle. Seeing Josh Brolin pedal for his life on this
tiny thing was a surefire laugh-getter, but you can't ignore the simple fact that the
dude stole a little kid's property. The only thing that really justifies the crime is the
inevitable payoff that's sure to follow.
With theft under his belt, Brand hustles down the road to catch up with his brother's crew.
But instead of keeping the kids out of trouble, Brand is suddenly faced with trouble of his
own: Troy's car. The bully rolls up on Brand, with Andy riding shotgun in the flashy convertible.
After a short back-and-forth, Troy plays a prank on Brand, holding him as the car accelerates.
The speed gets the best of Brand, sending the bike and him over a cliff to imminent
doom below.
But miraculously, Brand doesn't suffer injuries or die. Soon after his death-defying stunt,
Mikey's brother shows up outside of the Fratellis' hideout with a dirty face, and not a scratch
on him.
While on their journey, Mikey eventually catches up with the remains of treasure hunter Chester
Copperpot. We're introduced to his story through a 1930s newspaper article that announces his
disappearance after searching for One-Eyed Willy's treasure.
"Oh god. If he didn't make it out, and he was supposed to be an expert… what about
us, guys? How are we supposed to get out of here, huh?"
It turns out, Copperpot activated a booby trap which led to his untimely death. But
instead of alerting the authorities that the body of a man who's been missing and presumed
dead for nearly five decades has been found, the kids decide to take matters into their
own hands... and loot the man's body.
There's something to be said for respecting the dead. However, in The Goonies, where the
hunt for the treasure is the end-all be-all of the entire film, these matters end up being
quite trivial.
There's a good portion of The Goonies that finds our heroes in tunnels underneath the
city of Astoria. As ancient as this underground maze feels, it's hard not to notice the modern
day pipes that can be seen adorning the walls the kids pass. This isn't a sewer, or anything,
but... it kind of is?
"Reverse pressure!"
We're now roughly at the film's halfway point and it's an integral part of the story. Do
the kids continue on their mission of finding One-Eyed Willy or do they bail to the warm
beds awaiting them above-ground? This conundrum comes to a head once Mikey and the gang come
across the wishing well in town, which happens to connect with the tunnel they're lost in.
It also happens to reconnect Stef, Andy, and Brand with Troy. Aside from the fact that
he's conveniently hanging with his buds at the well, this moment marks a fork in the
road for the gang. Do they return to the adult world by taking a ride in Troy's bucket?
We all know how this ends up, but what's the deal with the bucket being the only option
to save the kids from the cold, wet bowels of the city? Let's remember, there were modern
day pipes on the tunnel walls. So obviously, there had to be a ladder somewhere. Right?
This whole Goonies adventure began with the solid reality that Mikey and Brand would be
moving, due to their house's pending foreclosure.
"This is our last weekend together. Our last Goonie weekend."
As fantastical as it was, the climax tied up every loose end in one baffling sequence.
After the kids escape One-Eyed Willy's ship alive, they arrive on the town's beach where,
conveniently enough, their parents, the police, and the press are waiting.
As the kids are reunited with their families, Troy shows up with his wealthy father, the
guy out to buy the Walsh family's home. Aside from wondering how they all knew to come to
this beach at the same time, you have to appreciate the audacity of Troy's dad. As families are
reunited, and the kids are proven to be safe, foreclosure paperwork is handed to Mike's
dad. And he almost signs it, right there on the beach.
Thanks to Mrs. Walsh's maid, Rosalita, all is fixed. Checking the pockets of one of the
kid's jackets, she finds a bunch of jewels. Suddenly, everyone buys into the One-Eyed
Willy myth. Mikey's father makes an immediate decision to rip up the foreclosure paperwork,
announcing they'll never sell the house, ever. That's all well and good, but these are jewels
found in a kid's pocket. It probably would've been a good decision to have them appraised
first, right?
"But right now, they got to do what's right for them. Because it's their time. Their time!
Up there! Down here, it's our time."
Mikey's impassioned speech in the tunnels encapsulates the whole film. Much like other
'80s kid-centric stories, the role of adults were pretty ancillary here. That's all well
and good, but what happens when a group of children goes missing in a small town such
as this? We'd assume there'd be some sort of uproar. And yet, the only people who get
a slap on the wrist are the Fratellis.
Like any great film, The Goonies suspends our disbelief from start to finish. That's
what we love about the classic. But let's be real here: A group of unruly kids acting
like Mikey and his friends would result in some sort of punishment. We're pretty sure
no one got grounded. And with the press and police crowding the beach at the movie's end,
one has to wonder: did the Goonies ever go into therapy? After all, they had multiple
run-ins with death. Did the police debrief them after they found those dead bodies? And
where's Child Protective Services in all of this? The '80s, man. What a weird time to
be alive.
While the Fratellis are the primary villains of The Goonies, Troy Perkins gives them a
run for their money in the bad guy department. He's the very ideal of an '80s youth movie
villain - a rich, arrogant, jerk jock who resents poor people and constantly aligns
himself with his powerful father. He's even spotted wearing country club clothes and a
visor, the very uniform of Reagan-era filmdom villainy.
Adding another level of awfulness to Troy, and beyond the obvious signifiers noticeable
by even the youngest viewers: He's a predator. Likely used to getting whatever he wants,
whenever he wants it, Troy leers at, makes plays for, and all but stalks Andy throughout
The Goonies. Kids watching probably won't understand when he utilizes a car's rearview
mirror to attempt to sneak a creepy peek up Andy's skirt. He laughs at her when she tells
him to stop.
Andy later casually mentions that Troy had been looking down her shirt, and just before
he discovers the Goonies in the well, Troy brags to his friends about his future plans
with her.
"Alright, put it this way, I didn't make it with her yet. And I stress yet."
That's a euphemism delivered in an alarming and deeply off-putting way.
The Goonies gets more than just the one happy ending of the Goon squad evading the Fratellis,
reuniting with their parents, avoiding foreclosure, and uncovering the coolest pirate ship in
movie history. There's also the matter of Sloth, the third Fratelli kid. Initially considered
a monstrous villain, he's redeemed when Chunk provides contact from a decent human being,
attention, and a Baby Ruth.
"Ruth, Ruth, Ruth, Baby? Ruth!"
To kids watching the movie, Sloth was misunderstood, or a bad guy turned into a good guy. Adults
will notice the lead-up to Sloth's redemption: He was the victim of some deplorable acts
of abuse.
When audiences first catch a glimpse of Sloth, he's chained up, and his brother Jake is torturing
him with his singing. His family imprisons him, purposely upsets him, and then leaves
him all alone with food tantalizingly out of reach. That the Fratellis purposely starve
Sloth is made apparent both when he rips his chains off the wall to get to Chunk's Baby
Ruth, and when he helps himself to the ice cream in the freezer while Chunk is on the
phone.
From the very beginning of the film, audiences were dealt a bunch of visuals that showed
how dangerous of a force the Fratellis were. And once the kids meet the crime family, it's
revealed they'll stop at nothing to find One-Eyed Willy's treasure as well. Armed with knives,
guns, and even at one point, a sword, the Fratellis proved themselves to be a ruthless
gang of outlaws.
As dangerous as they were, though, it seems that our team of young heroes were quicker,
and smarter. Time and again, the Goonies found themselves steps ahead of the criminals...
until they finally faced them in the climactic fight on One-Eyed Willy's ship.
Cornered, the kids were running out of options. And then Data stepped up, with his odd gadgets
and glorious gumption. Swords and guns were no match for the kid's utility belt, which
eventually took down the crime family - a biting mechanism to Francis' crotch was the
beginning of the Fratelli family's downfall. Science and innovation proved themselves to
be the ultimate weapons here. After all, this is a Goonies world and we're just living in
it.
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