President Trump's first stop was Saudi Arabia.
And, I don't know about you,
but I was waiting for him to spark an international incident.
You know, like, I was waiting for him to walk off the plane
going, "So many ninjas!"
(laughter)
But, luckily, that didn't happen.
And, now, Trump hoped that people would focus
on his carefully crafted speech about Islam and terrorism,
but, uh, unfortunately, his mouth
was soon overtaken by his hands.
REPORTER:
of President Trump standing alongside the Saudi king
and the president of Egypt,
all off them with their hands on a glowing white orb.
It looks less like a summit of world leaders
and more like a scene out of a bizarro
You know? "Let our powers combine. Oil!"
"Plutonium!"
"Spray tan!"
(laughter)
Now... Now, to be fair,
that's not all that Trump did with his hands in Saudi Arabia.
The president also signed a deal to sell the Saudis
$110 billion in weapons,
which-- can I just say for a second?
Like, what a load of bull(bleep), right?
No, no, Trump goes to Saudi Arabia
and never once mentions radical Islamic terrorism,
which is what he condemned Obama for, right?
And on top of that, he signs the biggest arms deal
in American history with the Saudis,
the same people he even said were behind 9/11.
Really? What, was Trump sitting there with them like...
(imitating Trump): "All right, you got to promise
you're not gonna use these to do another 9/11."
They're like, "No, Donald, we'll never do another 9/11.
We'll do a completely different date."
"Deal.
Wait, what?"
But if you are worried about American security,
luckily, President Trump's speech
did offer a grim warning to young Muslims
considering a career in terrorism.
Your life will be empty,
your life will be brief
and your soul
will be fully condemned.
I-I'm sorry, those were Trump's wedding vows.
-We were look... The-the tape... -(laughter and applause)
D-Do we not have the...?
Hmm. Sorry about that.
Sorry.
So, all in all,
Trump handled the Saudi trip well,
and he was just getting started.
Next stop, Israel,
where the president got a chance to place his hands
on one of Jerusalem's holiest sites,
the Western Wall.
And you know that made a big impression on Trump.
"You see this, folks?
"They build one wall 2,000 years ago,
zero Mexicans in their whole country."
(laughter)
And by the way,
my favorite part of Trump's time in Israel
was the part when he didn't know
what part of the world Israel was in.
We just got back from the Middle East.
We just got back from Saudi Arabia and, uh...
(laughter)
Everyone's reaction was captured by that guy in the corner.
Just look at him.
Look at his face.
While Trump is saying that.
He's like, "Do you know how much work I had to do
"just to get in this room,
and this asshole didn't even look at a map?"
But it wasn't long before Trump's hands
were once again dominating his trip,
because instead of his visits
and looking at the effect on U.S.-Israel relations,
everyone was focused on Donald-Melania relations.
The thing that got an enormous amount of media attention
had to do with Melania Trump, the first lady, and some video.
Was this an actual slap,
or did she just pull her hand away?
She pulled her hand away,
but I didn't quite see the contact of a slap.
Wow.
Leave it to Fox News not to recognize
what rejection from a woman looks like.
(cheers and applause)
After seeing what Trump's hands
were capable of, clearly, the new...
the newly elected French president
wasn't taking any chances.
NEWSWOMAN:
Emmanual Macron, it went on and on.
So long, it appears President Trump
tried to pull away, their knuckles turning white.
NEWSMAN:
"My handshake with President Trump was not innocent..."
Wow! That was the first time
Donald Trump was on the receiving end
of an unwelcome hand grab.
And what's worse is that after that,
President Macron bragged about it to Billy Bush.
(French accent): You should have seen him.
I moved on him like a bitch. Ah.
When you are famous, you can do it. Yeah!
I just grabbed him, and he was like,
"Let go, Macron, let go!"
I said, "You like that, Trump, don't you? You like that!
Yeah, you like it. You like it."
-(cheering, applause) -Now, uh...
Now, of course, that handshake didn't distract
from Trump's hands' real agenda, at the NATO meeing,
and that was finger-wagging.
Because during his speech, Trump lambasted the Europeans
for not spending more on
And he wouldn't reaffirm America's commitment
to defend Europe.
(like Trump): Look, if it was up to me,
I'd fight for you, but it's up to the orb now.
(laughter)
And the orb says no.
So in one day, Trump may have done
what Russia has been trying to do for 50 years.
Right? And that is break the alliance
between the United States and Europe.
Which would make it easier for Russia to extend its powers
in places like the Ukraine.
And I don't know if Trump even recognized
how bad this trip was for U.S.-European relations.
Because when he got back, he tweeted...
Now, unfortunately, the big results
aren't what most Americans would have hoped for.
NEWSWOMAN:
that Europe cannot completely rely on the U.S. anymore.
TRANSLATOR: The times when we can completely count on others,
they are over to a certain extent.
I've experienced this in the last few days,
and that is why I can only say that we Europeans
must really take our fate into our own hands.
Yeah. Clearly, Angela Merkel got one look at Trump,
and was like, "All right, our fate is in our own hands,
because his clearly ruin everything they touch."