>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY, GIVE IT
UP FOR THE MAN.
(APPLAUSE) JON, I'M TALKING TO A WONDERFUL
POET, ELIZABETH ALEXANDER WILL BE OUT HERE A LITTLE BIT LATER
TO TALK ABOUT HER NEW BOOK.
BUT FIRST PETE HOLMES,-- PETE HOLMES, WONDERFUL COMEDIAN HAS A
NEW SHOW HOW WE ROLL ON CBS, FOLKS, YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU
KNOW I LOVE SPACE, IT'S FASCINATING, IT'S MYSTERIOUS,
IT'S ETERNAL.
THEY LET YOU PEE IN A VACUUM, AND IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG WITH
THAT, IT'S GOOD THAT NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM.
AND I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE LATEST OFF-EARTH
DVELOPMENTS IN MY LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT, "SPACE NEWS!"
(ECHO) (APPLAUSE)
FIRST UP ON "SPACE NEWS:" "SPACE HEALTH!"
THE LATEST RESEARCH HAS FOUND THAT "SPACE LETTUCE" COULD HELP
ASTRONAUTS AVOID BONE LOSS.
HERE'S WHY THEY ARE DOING IT.
ASTRONAUTS CAN LOSE UP TO 1% OF BONE MASS PER MONTH IN SPACE, SO
RESEARCHERS CREATED "AN EXPERIMENTAL STRAIN OF LETTUCE
THAT PRODUCES A MEDICATION THAT CONTAINS A FRAGMENT OF
HUMAN PARATHYROID HORMONE PEPTIDE, WHICH HELPS STIMULATE
BONE GROWTH."
HOLD THE PHONE, CHUCK.
YOU FOUND A WAY TO MAKE FOOD PRODUCE BONE JUICE, BUT THE
FOOD YOU CHOSE TO DO THAT WAS LETTUCE?
"GREAT NEWS, ASTRONAUTS!
WE'VE CREATED SNACKS THAT STOP YOUR BONES FROM DISSOLVING.
WE WERE GOING TO GO WITH NACHOS, THEN CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES, BUT
THEN WE WERE LIKE 'SPACE FLIGHT SHOULD BE BORING'."
NEXT UP, "HUBBLE TELESCOPE NEWS!"
(ECHO) LAST WEEK, "THE HUBBLE TELESCOPE
SAW THE MOST DISTANT STAR EVER."
I THOUGHT WE ALREADY KNEW THE MOST DISTANT STAR WAS
JOAQUIN PHOENIX.
LET US LOVE YOU, JOKER.
THE STAR "COULD BE BETWEEN 50 TO 500 TIMES MORE MASSIVE THAN OUR
SUN, AND MILLIONS OF TIMES BRIGHTER."
SO ANYONE ORBITING THAT STAR WILL REQUIRE A SUNSCREEN WITH
S.P.F. CONAN.
(LAUGHTER) HERE'S THE BEST BIT.
THE LEAD AUTHOR OF THE PAPER DESCRIBING THE STAR'S DISCOVERY
HAS CALLED IT "EARENDEL, WHICH MEANS 'MORNING STAR' IN OLD
ENGLISH."
BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, ALSO INSPIRED THE NAME OF TOLKEIN'S
GREAT HALF-ELVEN MARINER, EARENDIL, SON OF TUOR AND
PRINCESS IDRIL, DAUGHTER OF TURGON AND FATHER OF ELROS AND
ELROND, WHO VOYAGED TO VALINOR, ENTREATED THE VALAR ON BEHALF OF
THE CHILDREN OF ILUVATAR, AND SENTENCED TO UNDYING DOOM TO
CARRY A SILMARIL BOUND TO HIS FOREHEAD AS A STAR AND SAIL
ACROSS THE SKY IN HIS GREAT SHIP "VINGALOT," UNTIL THE END OF
DAYS IN THE DAGOR DAGORATH.
NASA, RETURN MY CALLS!
THERE MR. NO JOKES IN ANY OF THAT.
AND FINALLY: "UNEXPLAINED ALIEN PHENOMENA!"
(ECHO) IN THE FUTURE CAN WE MAKE THE
ALIEN MOVE, MY NAME IS ON THE BUILDING.
THERE'S AN EXPLOSIVE NEW REPORT OUT, AND MY FOX NEWS COLLEAGUE
BRETT BAIER HAS THE STORY: THEY JUST UNCOVERED UFO FEKS
RANGING FROM ABDUCTION AND PARALYSIS TO ELECTRICAL SHOCKS
AND SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS IS SHOCKING THE WORD TONIGHT.
>> NOW A WORD OF CAUTION THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENTS SUM ARE THAT
BREATHE IS TALK BEINGS IS AN ACTUAL PENTAGON REPORT RELEASED
ONE SOURCE AND ONE SOURCE ONLY, ALSO OWNED BY RUPERT MURDOCH:
NOTORIOUS BRITISH TABLOID "THE SUN."
SO, THIS IS A BIT LIKE IF, INSTEAD OF THE "NEW YORK
TIMES," THE PENTAGON PAPERS WERE PRINTED ON A BATHROOM STALL.
BUT EVEN THAT BEING SAID, THE REPORT'S PRETTY SHOCKING.
>> PILOTS TRACKING UNIDENTIFIED OBJECTS, BALLS OF LIGHTS
SUSPENDED OVER THE OCEAN, U.F.O.s CHASING WARSHIPS.
ALL PART OF A GROWING BODY OF SIGHTINGS OF U.A.P.s.
NOW COMES SOMETHING EVEN MORE EXPLOSIVE-- A 1,500-PAGE
PENTAGON REPORT OF PREVIOUSLY CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS CATALOGING
ACCOUNTS FROM WITNESSES AND VICTIMS CLAIMING RADIATION
BURNS, BRAIN DAMAGE, EVEN PARALYSIS, AFTER CLOSE
ENCOUNTERS WITH U.A.P.S.
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD.
THESE ALIENS ARE SO ADVANCED, THEY'RE FROM A 1950s B-MOVIE!
THEY'VE ACHIEVED HOT-GLUED PIE PLATE TECHNOLOGY!
AND FOX NEWS REPORTING ON THESE REAL, SHOCKING THINGS WHILE
TOSSING IN FAKE B-ROLL DIDN'T END THERE.
>> THE REPORT SAYS HUMANS HAVE BEEN INJURED FROM EXPOSURE
TO U.F.O.s, FROM ABDUCTIONS AND PERCEIVED TIME LOSS, TO
SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS.
>> Stephen: HOW COME WHEN THEY SAY "SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS," IT'S AN
ALIEN HAND TWIDDLING A LADY'S WATCH?
THEIR TECH MAY BE SUPER ADVANCED, BUT THEIR FOREPLAY
NEEDS SERIOUS WORK.
"YOU LIKE THAT, BABY?
YOU LIKE THAT?
IS THIS WHAT YOU HUMANS CALL 'SEX O'CLOCK'?"
EVEN MORE ALARMING IS WHAT THESE THE LITTLE HAND IS ON THE FIVE,
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE BIG HAND IS?
EVEN MORE ALARMING IS WHAT THESE SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS CAN LEAD TO:
>> FROM ABDUCTIONS AND PERCEIVED TIME LOSS TO SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS
AND UNEXPLAINED PREGNANCIES.
>> Stephen: NOW THAT MIGHT LOOK LIKE STOCK FOOTAGE BUT
JIMMY, CAN WE PULL OUT?
A HARKS, THE MOTHER IS THE ALIENS YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT TWIST
COMING DID YOU M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN.
(PARANORMAL THEREMIN) (APPLAUSE)
I MEANT THE CAMERA COME CLOSER BUT NOT YOUR APPLAUSE BUT I WILL
TAKE YOUR PITY APPLAUSE.
I WILL TAKE PITY APPLAUSE ANY TIME, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, JON, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELL, I FIND ALL OF THIS SHOCKING AND STUNNING...
IN THAT IT IS A MAJOR STEP BACK FOR U.F.O. REPORTING.
FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS, WE'VE BEEN SHOWN FOOTAGE LIKE THIS AND
TOLD BY THE U.S. GOVERNMENT, "YUP, THIS STUFF IS ACTUALLY
REAL. AND WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS BECAUSE IT'S NOT OURS, AND
IT'S WAY TOO ADVANCED TO BE THE CHINESE OR THE RUSSIANS."
THEN, HERE COMES FOX NEWS WITH AN EXPLOSIVE REPORT FEATURING A
GLITCHY SCREENSAVER AND A POLAROID OF A FRISBEE ON A
FISHING LINE.
UP NEXT, THEY'RE COVERING THE LATEST BREAKTHROUGHS IN
MICROSURGERY WITH THIS FOOTAGE: >> IT TAKES A STEADY HAND,
BCCAUSE IF YOU TOUCH THE SIDES- BZZT!
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PETE HOLMES.