(upbeat jazzy piano music)
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
- [Jessica] Okay, no to the Mr. President way.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, happy birthday ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Wow, he didn't look at the camera once.
(jazzy upbeat music)
- We're going on a birthday walk!
Yay!
I don't know why I always cut to you for reactions
and then your so stoic.
- Oh, sorry, yeah.
(Jessica laughs)
It's because I know what we're doing,
so I'm just like, yeah.
And we're driving!
- Sure.
Anyways, we're going on a birthday walk.
Cut to Zoe's reaction.
- Yay!
- Thank you!
- Enthusiasm!
- You're much better.
- Walter's upset though, he's crying.
- She's your replacement, Claude.
- [Claudia] He's just excited, he's not upset.
- [Zoe] I'm so excited.
- Walter's very happy, but he just doesn't know where
we're going yet, so he's not very happy,
but he will be happy when we get there.
We're going on a lovely walk with Zoe,
and her dog Mischka, who Walter loves,
which is very weird because Walter doesn't really
like other dogs.
- It's 'cause they're the same size and same age.
- Yeah, they're like a little old lady and a little old man,
and they like to trudge together.
And then Tillie is like, "What are you guys doing,
"where are we going?
"What's happening?
"Why aren't you jumping?"
And they're like, "Could you not, please.
"We are busy right now."
(smooth jazz music)
- [Jessica] Hello doggies, we're ready.
You're gonna go for a nice walk.
Woo.
Doing okay?
Want to get another dog?
- No.
(both laughing)
Two is enough.
(smooth jazz music)
- [Jessica] These are Zoe's walking shoes.
- [Zoe] No, they're not my actual walking shoes.
- [Jessica] It's amazing.
- [Zoe] I do have walking boots but these,
these come out to play every now and then.
- [Jessica] Where did you get those laces from?
- I think they're StoneWall laces.
- [Jessica] Oh!
- There was like, a charity campaign where, like,
you put these laces one, when you are playing sports.
- [Jessica] Isn't that something.
- It was in my days of playing Ultimate Frisbee.
- [Jessica] Oh!
- As you can imagine, I was very good.
- [Jessica] Well I like them.
(smooth jazz music)
Cheers!
(banging on table)
- We dunno, we'll have some kind of talk show.
- Oh yeah, Jessica and Zoe in the garden.
It's a pretty good title, isn't it.
Got a nice ring to it?
(both laughing)
- Jessica and Zoe in the garden.
- Marketing. (laughs)
- I dunno, is that a good ring?
- Um, garden...
- Maybe give us some ideas.
Please, comment some ideas for our chat show.
- Uh, garden.
Lawn, ah, em, garden.
- Wow!
- Garden, pub, patter.
Pub Patter!
- Pub Patter!
- Yeah! (laughs)
- Pub Patter with a non drinker.
(both laugh)
What would our chat show be about?
Oh, we could have musical guests.
- Yes.
- Because you're into musical things.
And we could have film guests.
- Yes.
- Because we're both very into film.
- I don't know who we'd have.
- Would they have to be only crossover stars?
- Oh, as in film and music?
Like, triple threat, they'd have to be dancers as well?
- Ohh.
- We only get high quality people on Pub Patter.
Pub Patter.
- Well you know, most, like, big celebrities
are actually triple threats, they just don't use it.
- Kristin Bell is such a triple threat.
I feel like I really didn't know how good a singer she was
until she was on Jimmy Fallon recently and did like,
the evolution of Disney.
She just, is amazing.
Don't know if she's a dancer - Well, Frozen.
- All right, so next week you will, we'll have
Kristin Bell here.
(Jessica laughs)
- Yes, we'll be discussing her entire repertoire.
- Who else?
Well we can easily get Kristin Bell, so easy.
- Mmm
- We might as well just get Justin Timberlake,
straight off the bat.
- I don't know though.
I'm sorry.
- Do you reckon that's gonna be tricky?
- This may be controversial, but is Justin Timberlake
a triple threat?
- He can sing, dance and act!
Oh, which one are you questioning? (breathes deeply)
Maybe he can't act.
- (laughs) Sorry!
- Yeah, that's fair. - Sorry!
It's like, Brittney.
- Brittney can't act.
Brittney definitely can't act.
- I mean he's better than Brittney.
- Wasn't Justin Timberlake in like, "Friends with Benefits"
or something, was it "Friends With Benefits"?
Was he in "Friends with Benefits" with Mila Kunis?
- I thought that was Ashton Kutcher.
Honestly I could never say his name.
- No, no, they just got married.
They're just married.
- Yeah.
- They're together in real life.
- Oh, maybe he was in "Friends with Benefits".
- I think so.
- Wasn't he in the film that's not called "About Time",
but it's about time.
- "Time Travelers Wife"?
- No.
(both laugh)
- About time...
- I'm aware that the "Time Travelers Wife",
and 'About Time' are the same film.
- "About Time" is...
- Both with Rachel McAdams, because she only dates men
who can travel through time.
- Oh yeah, I hadn't thought about that.
She's in, I suppose, in both of them.
What other time traveler ones is there?
- No, it's not about time travel.
- Oh, it's just got time in.
That's really gonna narrow it down.
- It's not about time travel.
It's the one with Olivia Wilde and they have the number
of hours they've got left to live written
on their arms.
- Oh is it like a sci-fi? - Yeah.
- Time, I don't know.
- Money isn't a concept anymore.
- Oh, I do know what you're talking about.
- Yeah.
- I don't know what it's called.
Well this, the film segment of Pub Patter
is going exceptionally well.
- Yeah!
- What else?
A film called "Seberg" which is what I'm managing
at the moment.
It's coming out in the UK on January third,
in cinemas.
Kristen Stewart, she's great in it.
- Oh, Kristen Stewart. - I have a massive crush
on Kristen Stewart.
- Kristen Stewart, can she dance?
- (laughs) I thought you were gonna say,
"could she die?".
I was like, that's not fair.
Can she die?
(Jessica laughs)
- Hi, welcome, welcome, Claudia Forzard to the
first episode of-- - Thank you my dear.
- What are we calling it? - Pub Patter!
- Pub Patter! (laughs)
It's our talk show.
You're gonna be our guest.
- [Claudia] Oh.
- Our first musical guest.
- I got a gluten free beer.
- Oh, treat yourself. - It's made from buckwheat.
- Oh yeah? - Organic.
- Organic!
- Yeah, yes. - Darling.
- [Jessica] Can we just ask, are you a triple threat?
- What?
- Are you a triple threat?
Can you sing, dance and act?
- No, I can't do any of the above.
- Oh...
Yeah, that's so true.
- But it doesn't take up much space,
and if you do it neatly like this with little stones
I think it looks quite pretty. - I know.
- It adds like, a feature to the garden.
- For my plan for our garden,
is that it goes kind of smoothly along,
and then for the last quarter it just kind of
dips down.
So, I think what we should do is for this ridge bit here,
put a kind of, like an English garden wall,
with little like plants, and then an archway in the middle.
- [Zoe] Cute.
- Then the other side it'd be kind of woodland.
- [Zoe] Oh yeah, yeah.
- That's where the little house is.
- [Zoe] Yes. Yes.
- And the veg patch that side.
- [Zoe] Yeah!
- Maybe yeah, something like either a climbing thing,
or a swing.
- Then we've got to think about with the veg patch,
it needs a reasonable bit of sunshine.
- Oh, yeah. - I think it needs to be
partly sunny, partly shady.
- [Zoe] Yours is South facing garden?
- Yeah, but if we get too far down the other end
it's gonna be covered by the shade and the conifers.
- [Zoe] Yeah, yeah.
- And also conifer pine needles are really acidic.
- Really?
Good knowledge.
- Yes.
- Very good knowledge.
(Claudia and Zoe laugh)
Maybe that's your new career move.
Like vegetable growing.
- Yeah, you know I wouldn't mind be like,
a landscape gardener.
- I have got to--
- And Jessica is like, no.
(all laugh)
- I am at that point now where I'm literally
considering every career path.
- Yeah? - Any career.
- I will text my flatmate and be like,
all right, today I'm into politics.
I have to work for Elizabeth Warren.
I have to work for her campaign. (laughs)
And I'm like, looking up on Google, I'm learning about
filibusterers, and like, everything to do with campaigns.
- [Jessica] I mean, you went straight in there,
you didn't even go for an English politician.
- Nope!
Elizabeth Warren.
It's just all the English politicians right now.
- Oh look, my good, look at all that mistletoe on that tree.
- [Jessica] Ohh!
- Where?
- There!
Like, it grows on random trees, host trees,
because, this is another--
- [Zoe] I was just gonna say, is that acidic, is it--
- And then birds eat the berries, and then the bird shits
on the tree.
- Claudia! - And then it grows from poop.
- [Zoe] It grows from the poo!
- Yeah. - Mistletoe grows from poo?
- Yeah, from the seeds from the berries.
So it relies on birds spreading it's seed.
- [Jessica] So all this kissing underneath the mistletoe,
- You're just kissing under--
- [Claudia] Normally it's a lot higher up than that.
And there's a lot on that tree,
so what they've obviously done
is harvested probably pre-fertilized,
manure, bird manure, or some kind of seeded manure,
and then they pasted it onto the branch.
And they basically, like harvested it.
- [Zoe] I am so impressed by that knowledge.
- She's good, isn't she? - You should be
the pubs tour guide.
(smooth swing music)
(wrapping paper crinkling)
- Whoa, is this, is this treats?
And sit.
Paw.
(laughs)
Good boy!
Happy birthday!
(wrapping paper crinkling)
Oh, Walter, it's a jumper so you can match Tilly!
Ohh, very handsome.
You look very nice.
I'm 'bout to give you a treat.
(pounding on table)
- I didn't do this in time with you.
- We could, oh yeah.
(pounding on table)
- I didn't--
(both laugh)
- It's okay, there's only so many times we can try this.
(people talking in background)
(dings)
(smooth jazz music)