WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
(
SHUT DOWN, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE
APOCALYPSE WOULD BE IS HAVE BEEN DEATH, FAMIN, PESTILENCE AND
POOPING IN NATIONAL PARKS T IS STARTING TO GET UGLY AND IT WAS
NEVER A BITEE QUEEN.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER YESTERDAY WHEN NANCY PELOSI ASKED TRUMP TO
DELAY THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS SAYING THAT UNFUNDED
SECURITY AGENCIES WEREN'T HE QUIPPED TO PROTECT THE SPEECH
DURING A GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.
THAT MAKES SENSE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE UNPAID PEOPLE GUARDING OUR LEADERS, EAGLE HAS
ENTERED THE BUILDING AND I NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE OVER MY POSITION
BECAUSE I'VE GOT TO GET TO MY SECOND JOB AT DOLLAR TREE.
OH MY GOODNESS, ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER DOLLAR.
>> DOLLAR TREE, NOW UNCHARACTERISTICALLY THERE WAS
NO RESPONSE YESTERDAY FROM DONALD TRUMP.
CLEARLY THE PRESIDENT CONSIDERED THE CHAOS AND THE DISFUNCTION
THAT HE HAS BROUGHT UPON OUR GOVERNMENT AND THE SOLEMNITY OF
THE STATE OF THE UNION AND COOLER HEADS PREVAILED.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
TODAY 45 MINUTES BEFORE SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO VISIT FATO ALLIES
AND OUR TROOPS OVERSEAS, TRUMP SENT PELOSI THIS LETTER.
>> DUE TO THE SHUTDOWN I'M SORRY TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR TRIP TO
BRUSSELS, EGYPT AND AFGHANISTAN HAS BEEN POSTPONED.
IF I CAN'T GET MY WALL TO KEEP PEOPLE OUT OF THE COUNTRY, YOU
DON'T GET TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY.
SORRY, NANCY.
NO LIVING IT UP IN AFGHANISTAN FOR YOU.
ALL HE THOUGH WITH THE SHUTDOWN THERE WAS IN WAY SHE WAS GOING
TO GET THROUGH TSA IN TIME ANYWAY.
TRUMP HAS THE POWER TO DID THIS BECAUSE PELOSI WAS FLYING
MILITARY TRANSPORT AND HE'S THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF.
BUT TRUMP DID GIVE HER ANOTHER OPTION SAYING OBVIOUSLY IF YOU
WOULD LIKE TO MAKE YOUR JOURNEY BY FLYING COMMERCIAL, THAT WOULD
CERTAINLY BE YOUR PREROGATIVE.
ALL RIGHT, SHE CAN FLY COMMERCIAL TO AFGHANISTAN.
I'M SURE JETBLUE OFFERS DALELY NONSTOP FLIGHTS TO A WAR ZONE.
HELLO, FOLKS THRK IS YOUR CAPTAIN, JUST WANTED YOU TO LOOK
OUT, LOOK OT THE LEFT SIDE OF YOUR PLANE RIGHT NOW YOU CAN SEE
THE KHYBER PASS AND IF YOU LOOK OUT THE RIGHT SIDE YOU CAN SEE
THE SMOKING STUMP WHERE OUR WING USED TO BE.
WE WILL BE LANDING SLIGHTLY AHEAD OF SCHEDULE.
SO YOU MIGHT NOT GET TO FINISH MAMA MIA, HERE WE GO AGAIN.
ANY IT WAS TOO BAD.
CHER IS AWFULLY GOOD.
PELOSI WASN'T ON SOME PLEASURE CRUISE HERE, SHE WAS VISITING
THE TROOPS.
AND THE TRIP TO AFGHANISTAN WAS A CLOSELY HELD SECRET DUE TO
SECURITY CONCERNS.
IS BASICALLY WHAT TRUMP'S LETTER SAID WAS NANCY, FEAL FREE TO GO
COMMERCIAL NOW THAT I HAVE TOLD THE TALIBAN THAT YOU'RE COMING
AND STAYING AT THE JALALABAD LA QUINTA INN.
PLUS, PLUS, HERE'S A SHOCKER.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) JAL ALL LA-- JALALABAD, FUN WORD
TO SAY AS TRUMP, JALALABAD.
PLUS HERE'S A SHOCKER, THE LETTER WAS NOT VERY GOOD.
TRUMP MADE A MISTAKE IN THE VERY FIRST LINE BY MISSPELLING
PELOSI'S NAME, HE WROTE DER MADAMEE SPEAKER.
NANCY PELOSI IS MAD AM SPEAK WE ARE THE E.
MADAME IS WHAT TRUMP USES TO ORDER AT A DRIVE-THREW BROTHEL.
I WILL HAVE THE NUMBER ONE.
THAT'S NOT THE ONLY SIGN THAT THE SHUTDOWN IS REALLY GETTING
TO THE PRESIDENT.
THIS MORNING HE TWEETED THE LEFT HAS BECOME TOTALLY UNHINGED,
THEY NO LONGER CARE WHAT IS RIGHT FOR OUR COUNSELTR-TEE.
>> YES, LEFTIES.
YOU ARE LETTING YOUR COUNTR-TY DOWN, YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO
AMERI-CACA.
NOW HERE SAY LITTLE FUN FACT.
THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
MY STAFF TRIED TO TYPE COUNTR-TY INTO TWITTER AND IT AUTO
CORRECTED TO COUNTRY.
THAT MEANS TRUMP HAD TO ACTIVELY OVERRIDE IT, NO, STUPID PHONE,
COUNTR-TY.
JAR ED, JARED, HELP, THE DEEP STATE HAS GOTTEN AHOLD OF MY
PHONE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMETHING LIKE THIS IS HAPPENING IN THE UNITED
SHTUSH.
NOW THE TSA HAS BEEN HIT PARTICULARLY HARD WITH EMPLOYEES
WORKING UNPAID AND NOW EVIDENTLY AT NEW YORK'S JFK AIRPORT AGENTS
HAVE STARTED BLASTING EXPLICIT UNKEN SORED VERSIONS OF RAP
SONGS OVER THE LOUDSPEAKERS.
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T HEAR MORE PEOPLE.
(APPLAUSE) I AM NOT SURE WHAT YOU ARE
APPLAUDING BUT I'M 100% WITH YOU.
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T HEAR MORE PEOPLE
YELLING THE F WORD AT JFK.
AND IT'S WORSE THAN THAT, ACCORDING IT A TOP EXECUTIVE AT
THE NATIONAL AIR-TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS ASSOCIATION, QUOTE,
I WOULD SAY FLYING IS LESS SAFE TODAY THAN IT WAS A MONTH AGO
ABSOLUTELY.
THAT IS TRULY TERRIFYING.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, THIS IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE MEGA
BUS.
MEGA BUS, YOU LIVE.
BUT THE WORDS-- YOU'LL MAKE IT IN TIME.
THE WORDS PLUNGEE AND PLUMMET RARELY SOSHTED WITH BUS TRAVEL.
BUT THERE IS ONE BRIGHT SPOT OUT THERE BECAUSE FRIEND OF THE SHOW
CHEF JOSE ANDRES HAS OPENED A PUP POPUP KITCHEN FOR FEDERAL
EMPLOYEED AFFECTED BY THE SHUTDOWN TRK IS IN DVMENT
KRMPLET RIGHT ON PENN PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, HE AND HIS
TEAM ARE WORKING AROUND THE CLOCK TO PREPARE SOME 200,000
MEALS A DAY.
(APPLAUSE) >> ST BEAUTIFUL STVMENT
BEAUTIFUL.
THESE ARE TOUGH TIMES.
THESE ARE TOUGH TIMES FOR FEDERAL WORKERS, WHICH IS WHY I
SAID THIS LAST NIGHT.
WITH THE SHUT DUNN CONTINUING THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION CALLED
NEARLY 50,000 PEOPLE BACK TO WORK UNPAID.
THIS IS SO UNFAIR TO THESE FEDERAL WORKERS, THAT IN THEIR
HONOR I DESIGNED THIS SPECIAL SHUT DOWN COFFEE MUG THAT SAYS
DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME UNTIL I HAVE HAD MY PAYCHECK.
(APPLAUSE) CAN WE SELL THESE?
WE SHOULD SELL THESE.
SO WE'RE SELLING THESE.
(APPLAUSE) HELP HIM HELP THESE WORKERS WORK
TO COLBERT LATE SHOW.COM/SHUTDOWN MUG TO GET
ONE.
IS 100% OF THE LATE SHOW PROFITS BENEFIT WORLD CENTRAL TO HELP
JOSE ANDRES TEAM FEED FEDERAL WORKERS DURING THE SHUTDOWN.
GET A MUG, IT'S GREAT FOR A HOT CUP OF MORNING BOURBON.
>> GET A SET OF MUGS.
>> WE ALL HAVE OUR WAYS TO GET THROUGH THE SHUTDOWN.