>> HEY, EVERYBODY.
FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A NEW YORK COMEDIAN MAKING HER NETWORK
TELEVISION BAY DUE-- DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME SARAH TOLLEMACHE.
>> HI.
(APPLAUSE) I RECENTLY JUST DID UBER POOL,
BUT BY MISTAKE.
LIKE I DIDN'T REALIZE I PRESSED THE POOL PART ON THE APP.
SO THE DRIVER CAME AND PICKED ME UP AND THEN HE WENT TO GO PICK
UP MOAR PERSON.
SO I JUST THOUGHT I WAS GETTING MURDERED.
(LAUGHTER) AND I STILL DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
LIKE I WAS JUST IN THE BACKSEAT LIKEU M, NEVER MIND.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A BOTHER DURING PIE MURDER.
I WAS LIKE WHAT WAS THE OTHER OPTION, FIGHT FOR MY LIFE AND
THEN BE WRONG?
IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING WHEN I DO THAT.
LIKE SORRY FOR SCRATCHING YOUR EYES OUT AM I WILL JUST GIVE YOU
FIVE STARS.
THAT'S FAIR.
I HAVE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH PIE DAD A LOT RECENTLY.
HE'S GETTING OLD AM ACTUALLY, HE IS OLD.
HE'S NOT GETTING OLD.
HE'S LIKE RIGHT THERE.
AND YOU CAN TELL LIKE HE'S KIND OF GETTING FORGETFUL.
LIKE I WENT SHOPPING WITH HIM RECENTLY, AND HE ACCIDENTALLY
LEFT MY SISTER AND I IN THE CAR.
WE WERE FINE THOUGH CUZ WE'RE IN OUR 30S.
(LAUGHTER) BUT IT WAS LIKE DAD, IF WE WERE
CHILDREN THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A DISASTER.
SO WE JUST WAMPED YOUTUBE VIDEOS AND ROLLED DOWN THE WINDOW.
BABIES CAN'T DO THAT.
CUZ THEY'RE STUPID.
(LAUGHTER) ALSO MY DAD CAN'T HEAR WELL,
WHICH IS KIND OF FRUSTRATING WHEN I'M HANGING OUT WITH HIM
BECAUSE I'M JUST REPEATING SMALL TALK ALL THE TIME.
WHICH IS NOT MY FAVORITE WAY OF DOING SMALL TALK.
LIKE I WAS WITH HIM AND I WAS JUST LIKE, IT LOOKS LIKE THEY
CUT THE SLUBS OUT HERE PRETTY SHORT.
AND MY DAD IS LIKE WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I'M LIKE YOU WANT ME TO REPEAT THAT?
I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO SAY IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
EVERYBODY THINKS I CARE ABOUT THE SLUBS OUT HERE.
-- I WAS EATING A THE THIS RESTAURANT AND MY NEIGHBORHOOD
AND I DIDN'T FINISH MY MEAL SO I ASKED THE WAITRESS TO BOX MY
FOOD UP FOR ME.
AND THEN SHE REPLIED WITH WHEN DID YOU DECIDE TO GIVE UP.
I KNOW, IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO FIGURE OUT THAT SHE WAS
TALKING ABOUT MY FOOD.
THAT I JUST REPLIED WITH, EIGHT YEARS AGO.
I JUST-- NOW I'M JUST LIKE TRYING TO TAKE BETTER RER CARE
OF MYSELF, I WALK 19,000 STEPS THE OTHER DAY.
I DON'T HAVE A FIT BIT, I JUST COUNT OUTLOUD WHEN I WALK.
LIKE SO MUCH CHEAPER, YOU KNOW.
JUST BEEN DOING THAT A LOT OF SELF-IMPROVEMENT.
LIKE I'M TRYING TO GET OUT OF DEBT RIGHT NOW.
I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF DEBT, IT IS JUST LIKE ENOUGH WHERE I
THINK ABOUT IT ALL DAY LONG.
DO YOU GUYS HAVE THAT DEBT?
ONE TIME I DID GET OUT OF DEBT AND THEN I WAS LIKE MOW WHAT?
NOW I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR ANY MORE.
SO I JUST PUT MYSELF BACK INTO DEBT AGAIN.
FEELS BOOED TO HAVE GOALS, YOU KNOW.
LIKE IF YOU PAY YOUR DEBT OFF, THAT'S GREAT.
BUT IF YOU DON'T, AND THEN DIE LIKE THAT'S PRETTY GREAT TOO.
(LAUGHTER) THAT'S THE PLAN I'M ON RIGHT
NOW.
IT'S GREAT, YOU JUST BUY WHATEVER YOU WANT AND THEN YOU
JUST DIE.
MAKE SURE YOU DIE THOUGH, THAT'S THE MOST PART OF THIS PLAN.
THANK YOU.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YOU CAN SEE HER HERE IN NEW YORK.
SARAH TOLLEMACHE, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.