A LOT HAS BEEN GOING ON IN THE NEWS, SO LET'S GET RIGHT INTO
IT.
TODAY WAS THE 73RD GATHERING OF THE UNITED NATIONS GENERAL
ASSEMBLY, WHERE LEADERS FROM HUNDREDS OF COUNTRIES MEET IN
NEW YORK CITY.
AND THIS MORNING, PRESIDENT TRUMP GAVE AN ADDRESS TO THE
GATHERED DIGNITARIES.
THIS WAS PRESIDENT TRUMP'S SECOND SPEECH BEFORE THE U.N.
IT WAS KIND OF AN AWKWARD MOMENT, WHEN THEY
ASKED THE OTHER NATIONS IF THEY WANTED TRANSLATORS, AND THEY
SAID, "YOU KNOW, WE'RE GOOD."
(LAUGHTER) >> James: IN HIS ADDRESS,
TRUMP DISCUSSED THE GREATEST THREATS TO THE PEACE AND
STABILITY OF THE WORLD.
SO, LIKE MOST OF HIS SPEECHES, IT WAS ALL ABOUT HIMSELF.
IN OTHER TRUMP NEWS, THE WHITE HOUSE IS STILL REELING FROM A
BOMBSHELL REPORT FROM "THE NEW YORK TIMES."
THE ARTICLE REVEALED THAT DEPUTY ATTORNEY GENERAL ROD ROSENSTEIN
ONCE FLOATED THE IDEA OF SECRETLY RECORDING CONVERSATIONS
WITH THE PRESIDENT BY WEARING A WIRE.
A WIRE?
IF YOU WANT TO CATCH TRUMP SAYING SOMETHING INCRIMINATING
YOU DON'T NEED A WIRE.
JUST LOOK IN HIS TWITTER FEED!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> James: FIRST, TRUMP'S
PERSONAL LAWYER SECRETLY TAPED HIM.
THEN, OMAROSA TAPED HIM IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
YOU KNOW, I'M NO POLITICAL EXPERT, BUT IT'S PROBABLY A BAD
SIGN WHEN LITERALLY EVERYONE YOU WORK WITH IS LIKE, "OH MAN
I GOTTA RECORD THIS."
NO ONE WILL BELIEVE ME!
(APPLAUSE) >> James: MEANWHILE, TRUMP'S
SUPREME COURT NOMINEE BRETT KAVANAUGH IS PUSHING BACK ON
SEXUAL ASSAULT ALLEGATIONS.
ACCORDING TO "THE NEW YORK TIMES," HIS DEFENSE WILL INCLUDE
A HIGH SCHOOL CALENDAR FROM 1982 THAT DOES NOT LIST THE PARTY
WHERE THE ALLEGED INCIDENT TOOK PLACE.
BUT THIS SHOULD CLEAR THINGS UP, BECAUSE I KNOW WHEN I PLAN TO
COMMIT A CRIME, I ALWAYS WRITE "COMMITTING A CRIME" ON MY
CALENDAR.
HOW DOES THIS PROVE ANYTHING?
I WROTE "RUN A HALF MARATHON" ON MY CALENDAR IN JUNE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I DIDN'T DO IN JUNE?
RUN A HALF MARATHON.
I MEAN, RIDICULOUS!
(APPLAUSE) WHY DOES HE STILL HAVE THIS
CALENDAR?
"HEY HONEY, CAN I THROW OUT THIS CALENDAR FROM 1982?"
"AHH, LET ME HOLD ONTO IT.
I MIGHT NEED A REALLY FLIMSY ALIBI SOMEDAY."
MOVING ON, AS YOU KNOW, THE MIDTERM CAMPAIGNS ARE HEATING
UP.
ARIZONA REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN PAUL GOSAR IS HAVING SOME
PROBLEMS WITH HIS CAMPAIGN AFTER AN AD AIRED FEATURING SIX PEOPLE
ENDORSING HIS OPPONENT.
AND THOSE SIX PEOPLE ARE ALL PAUL GOSAR'S BROTHERS AND
SISTERS.
AND YOU THOUGHT YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER WAS GOING TO
BE AWKWARD THIS YEAR.
"CAN YOU PASS THE SWEET POTATOES?"
"NO, CAN YOU PASS UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE?"
(APPLAUSE) >> James: AND WE HAVE TO TELL
YOU ABOUT THIS.
THE CARIBBEAN NATION OF BARBADOS JUST ANNOUNCED THAT IS
HAS APPOINTED RIHANNA AS A CULTURAL AMBASSADOR TO PROMOTE
TOURISM ON THE ISLAND.
AMONG OTHER THINGS, SHE WILL PERMIT TOURISM ON THE ISLAND,
HER NEW SLOGAN FOR BARBADOS, "BITCH BETTER HAVE OUR MONEY."
UFERS PLA >> James: HER OFFICIAL TITLE
IS "AMBASSADOR EXTRAORDINARY AND PLENIPOTENTIARY."
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT LAST WORD MEANS, BUT I KNOW RIHANNA
DESERVES THIS TITLE.
AND TO GIVE IT MORE OF A CURRENT FEEL, THE ISLAND WILL NOW
OFFICIALLY BE KNOWN AS "BARBADOS FEATURING RIHANNA."
AND FINALLY -- (APPLAUSE)
>> James: AND FINALLY, THE BIG NEWS THAT EVERYONE'S TALKING
ABOUT.
CITY OFFICIALS IN NAMPA, IDAHO ARE PREPARING FOR ITS ANNUAL
CROW MIGRATION BY SEEKING VOLUNTEERS TO BE HUMAN
SCARECROWS.
AND THEY SAY THERE'S NOTHING TO DO IN IDAHO.
I MEAN, CITY OFFICIALS SAY IT IS THE TIME OF YEAR THAT CROWS
DESCEND UPON THE TOWN AND CREATE A
PUBLIC HAZARD... AND THEY KNOW THIS BECAUSE IT SAYS SO ON BRETT
KAVANAUGH'S HIGH SCHOOL CALENDAR.
(APPLAUSE) >> James: LET'S THINK ABOUT
ABOUT THIS.
SCARECROWS HAVE NO BRAINS AND GIANT, ORANGE PUMPKIN HEADS.
YOU KNOW WHO'D BE GREAT AT THIS?