WELCOME, ONE AND ALL.
TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I HAVE NEVER, EVER-- I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE GRATEFUL FOR THE
PRESIDENT'S PETTINESS AND STUPIDITY.
( LAUGHTER )
PETTY ENOUGH TO SAVE US FROM A VERY SMART WARMONGER.
I'M TALKING ABOUT NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER AND LAST WALRUS
ON THE BEACH WITHOUT A MATE, JOHN BOLTON.
( LAUGHTER )
THE PRESIDENT TWEETED, "I INFORMED JOHN BOLTON LAST NIGHT
THAT HIS SERVICES ARE NO LONGER NEEDED AT THE WHITE HOUSE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND ANOTHER-- ANOTHER GOODBYE!
ANOTHER TRUMPLING BITES THE DIMPLING OF DIRT.
( LAUGHTER )
A HIGH 17-YEAR-OLD GOES THROUGH LITTLE DEBBIE SWISS ROLLS.
WE KNEW THERE WAS BOUND TO BE CONFLICT BETWEEN THESE TWO GUYS
LIKE TWO RAMS BUTTING HEADS.
IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN EVENTUALLY BECAUSE TRUMP WAS
VERY DOWN ON OUR MIDDLE EASTERN WARS, WHEREAS BOLTON HAS NEVER
SEEN A PATCH OF SAND HE DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE GLOW.
IN FACT, TRUMP HAS LONG COMPLAINED PRIVATELY THAT
MR. BOLTON WAS TOO WILLING TO GET THE UNITED STATES INTO
ANOTHER WAR, WITH TRUMP SAYING BEHIND THE SCENES, "IF IT WAS UP
TO JOHN, WE'D BE IN FOUR WARS NOW."
( LAUGHTER )
TRADE WAR.
CUPCAKE WAR.
I'M IN A FLAME WAR WITH CHRISSY TIEGEN,
AND WORLD WAR II, WHAT IF THE NAZIS HAD WON?"
PLUS, BACK IN MAY, TRUMP SAID THIS:
>> JOHN IS A-- HE HAS STRONG VIEWS ON THINGS, BUT THAT'S
OKAY.
I ACTUALLY TEMPER JOHN, WHICH IS PRETTY AMAZING, ISN'T IT?
NOBODY THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING TO HAP-- I'M THE ONE THAT TEMPERS
HIM."
>> Stephen: SO, DONALD TRUMP IS THE VOICE OF REASON?
( LAUGHTER )
"JOHN, JOHN.
YOU'RE TALKING CRAZY, OKAY?
NOW, CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO DISCUSSING WINDMILL CANCER."
TRUMP CONCLUDED, "AND, THEREFORE-- DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,
DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT-- I ASKED JOHN FOR HIS RESIGNATION, WHICH
WAS GIVEN TO ME THIS MORNING."
OKAY, THE PRESIDENT IS MAKING A SIMPLE STATEMENT OF FACT, SO
IT'S PROBABLY A LIE.
( LAUGHTER )
ANNOUNCEMENT, BOLTON TWEETED, "I OFFERED TO RESIGN LAST NIGHT,
AND PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID, 'LET'S TALK ABOUT IT TOMORROW.'"
( LAUGHTER )
"YES, JOHN, WE'LL TALK TOMORROW.
NOW, I WANT YOU TO LOOK INTO THE DISTANCE WHILE I TELL YOU ABOUT
RABBITS."
( LAUGHTER )
THE ANNOUNCEMENT WAS A COMPLETE SURPRISE, ESPECIALLY SINCE THE
TWEET CAME ABOUT 90 MINUTES BEFORE BOLTON WAS EXPECTED TO
APPEAR AT A PRESS BRIEFING WITH SECRETARY OF STATE MIKE POMPEO
AND TREASURY SECRETARY STEVEN MNUCHIN.
OH, NO.
YOU LEFT THE 'NUCH HANGING?
( LAUGHTER )
"I'M SORRY JOHN BOLTON COULDN'T BE HERE.
JOHN BOLTON COULDN'T BE HERE TODAY.
INSTEAD, THE ROLE OF NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR WILL BE FILLED
BY THIS TASK RABBIT I HIRED.
FOR TEN BUCKS AN HOUR, HE GIVES NATIONAL SECURITY ADVICE AND
ASSEMBLES IKEA FURNITURE AND TELLS US WHO TO BOMB."
BACK IN MARCH OF 2018, BOLTON ALMOST WASN'T HIRED IN THE FIRST
PLACE.
APPARENTLY, MR. TRUMP HESITATED, IN PART BECAUSE OF HIS NEGATIVE
REACTION TO MR. BOLTON'S WALRUS-STYLE MUSTACHE.
IRONICALLY, WHILE BOLTON IS LEAVING, THE MUSTACHE IS STAYING
ON AS STEPHEN MILLER'S NEW HAIRPIECE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP PROMISED, "I WILL BE NAMING A NEW NATIONAL SECURITY
ADVISOR NEXT WEEK."
WHO WILL IT BE?
WELL, WE KNOW TRUMP PICKED BOLTON BECAUSE HE SAW HIM ON FOX
NEWS.
SO GET READY FOR NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER, MY PILLOW GUY.
( LAUGHTER )
HIS CURRENT NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR, TRUMP STARTED
REMINISCING ABOUT HIS EX: FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR
H.R. McMASTER, SEEN HERE SHOWING HE'S WILLING TO SIT DOWN WITH
AMERICA'S ENEMIES.
BECAUSE IT'S BEEN REPORTED THAT TRUMP BEGAN CALLING
H.R. McMASTER LAST YEAR, TO SAY HE MISSES HIM.
( LAUGHTER )
"IT'S BEEN SO DIFFERENT SINCE YOU LEFT.
NOW WHEN THEY SAY, 'H.R. WANTS TO TALK TO YOU,' IT'S FOR MUCH
WORSE REASONS."
( LAUGHTER )
WHITE HOUSE BONEYARD, TRUMP ADDRESSED THE CONFERENCE OF
HISTORICALLY BLACK COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES.
I DID NOTE SEE THAT ONE COMING.
HE GAVE A MOSTLY ON-PROMPTER ADDRESS, EXCEPT FOR A FEW
UNSCHEDULED MOUTH DETOURS.
>> YOU HAVE NEVER STOPPED WORKING TO IMPROVE THIS
COUNTRY-- AND YOU-- DER-- THE GOVERNMENT.
YOU HAVE TO JUST KEEP GOING.
>> Stephen: I THINK HIS BRAIN JUST TRIED TO HIT
THE BRAKES THEN SPUN OUT ON A PATCH OF ICE.
(AS TRUMP) "YOU HAVE DONE SO MUCH FOR
THHIISS DERRRAAAAUUURRRR...
( LAUGHTER )
JUST KEEP GOING.
THEY'LL NEVER KNOW YOU SNEEEERRRROURRRRAMMMM."
THEN TRUMP BAILED OUT HIS SINKING CANOE, AND TOLD THOSE IN
ATTENDANCE TO KEEP THEIR FEET ON THE GROUND AND REACH FOR THE
LOWEST STARS THEY CAN.
>> NASA IS EXPANDING OUTREACH TO H.B.C.U. STUDENTS WHO WANT TO
BECOME SCIENTISTS, ENGINEERS, AND EVEN ASTRONAUTS.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE ASTRONAUT.
I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ASTRONAUT.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
DOES ANYBODY WANT TO BE AN ASTRONAUT?
>> Stephen: WHAT KIND OF PRESIDENT ARE YOU?
( LAUGHTER )
ABOUT!
FOR PETE'S SAKE, BEING AN ASTRONAUT IS THE
STEREOTYPICALLY AMERICAN ASPIRATION FOR GREATNESS.
YOU DON'T WANT TO BE AN ASTRONAUT?
OH, I'M SORRY.
YOU'D RATHER BE A COSMONAUT.
I FORGOT.
TRUMP THEN--
I FORGOT.
( LAUGHTER )
RECOGNIZE SOME FOLKS IN THE ROOM AND SOME THAT WERE NOT IN THE
ROOM.
>> I ALSO WANT TO RECOGNIZE OUR TERRIFIC EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF
THE WHITE HOUSE'S H.B.C.U.'S INITIATIVE, JONATHAN HOLIFIELD.
WHERE IS JONATHAN.
( APPLAUSE )
HOLYFIELD IS A FRIEND OF MINE, AND HE COULD FIGHT.
YOU ALWAYS KNEW WHEN YOU WENT IN THE RING WITH EVANDER, HE MAY BE
50 POUNDS LIGHTER, BUT YOU KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE A TOUGH NIGHT
OUT THERE FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "HOLYFIELD GOT HIS EAR BITTEN BY
MIKE TYSON.
AND I TELL YOU, I KNOW TYSON CHICKEN NUGGETS VERY WELL,
THEY'RE DELICIOUS.
WHICH REMINDS ME OF THE DENVER NUGGETS.
AND, OF COURSE, I HAPPEN TO KNOW JOHN DENVER.
HE WROTE 'ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH' AND I BET A LOT OF YOU OUT THERE
WATCHING ME FREE-ASSOCIATE FEEL LIKE YOU'RE HIGH RIGHT NOW."
TRUMP--
TRUMP ENVISIONED A FUTURE WHEN SOME OF THE STUDENTS IN FRONT OF
HIM MIGHT BECOME PRESIDENT.
>> YOU ARE ALL GOING TO MAKE BETTER DEALS THAN THAT.
YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME WHEN YOU'RE UP HERE SOMEDAY-- ONE OF
YOU OR TWO OF YOU OR THREE OF YOU-- AT DIFFERENT TIMES, OF
COURSE.
YOU'LL BE UP HERE.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "AND WHETHER ONE, TWO, OR THREE
OF YOU MAKE IT TO THIS INCREDIBLE SEAT OF POWER, I
PROMISE TO SPREAD RUMORS THAT ALL OF YOU WERE BORN IN KENYA."
THAT'S MY PROMISE.