From questionable questions about incest to bizarre statementsthat don't make sense, we
count 30 google auto-completes that proves Google thinks we’re dumb.
30 – When I jump I hear water.
• Ever jump and hear water?
I know I have many different times.
I’ve also blinked and heard the ocean, skipped and seen god and fallen over and smelled freshly
cut grass.
• Then, of course, there’s the other auto complete ‘when I jump I wet myself’; I’m
sure bladder control is a serious issue to those that lack it but why would you announce
this problem your search engine?
Are you hoping incontinence can be cured without visiting a physician?
29 – Is it wrong to sleep with your sister?
• So when you type ‘is it wrong’ Google automatically assumes you want to know whether
or not incestuous relations are a bad thing or not…
Yeah.
I don’t even know where to begin.
• Well really this question just proves two things, there are a lot of perverse people
on the internet (shock horror) and internet connectivity is actually really common in
rural country towns.
28 – Firefox has crashed and needs cuddles.
• Firefox is one of the most popular browsers on the net, this is in part thanks to the
fact that it’s open source software, meaning you can look through all of the code the developers
have written.
• I guess when anyone and everyone can look at your insides you might feel unstable and
crash spectacularly if you don’t get some cuddles.
27 – My cat wants me to get an abortion.
• Cats are well known for being pro-abortion, not even pro-choice, just pro-abortion, they
want to thin the human population as much as possible.
• I mean, what other possible reason could there be for this to be in Google auto-complete?
26 – Put that mayonnaise on your child.
• Oh yeah, put that thick white fluid all over your kid, that’ll teach him to not
rub the lotion on his skin when you tell him to.
• Anyone that searches this is automatically put into the NSA’s potential child predator
list and is given free entrance to a psychiatric ward of their choosing.
25 – Sometimes I like to pretend I’m a meatball.
• What did you pretend to be when you were a kid?
If you answered meat ball you are the kind of person that Google thinks is the norm.
• There’s no two ways around this, it’s weird and bizarre; unlike pretending to be
a piece of spaghetti, which is completely normal and please stop judging me for identifying
as a tubular string of pasta.
24–Dinosaurs don’t kick the baby.
• This makes me wonder what possible scenario could exist in which you would have to specify
that dinosaurs do not, in fact, kick infants.
• It almost sounds like a passcode that spies would use, or maybe it’s a quote from
a movie or something, in which case I’d like to question what narcotics the screenwriter
was consuming when writing this out.
23 – Can people read minds?
• Next up in the news, a new wave of paranoia apparel has spread across the fashion industry:
tin foil hats that have the ability to google are available at any store near you that isn’t
run by the CIA or Illuminati. 22 – Can hackers access my computer when
it is off?
• A lot of people really don’t understand how technology works and this is empirical
evidence supporting such a statement.
• I mean sure, if you set up your PC so it can be turned on through the internet this
can happen, but I have a feeling the people Googling this phrase are oblivious to such
methods and their possible uses.
21 – I ate a big red candle
• But it’s okay because next I ate a wick and a lighter so it will melt away, I just
need to wait for a while and enjoy breathing out the smell of sandalwood and lavender.
• However, I am a bit concerned that the flame will singe my stomach, I guess I can
drink some Pepto-Bismol to help with that though.
20 – Don’t you hate it when a sentence doesn’t end the way you think it octopus.
• Yes, I also hate it when a grammar doesn’t complete sentence and makes lack of sense
in pterodactyl.
• I’m guessing this entry is a meme or something, but really, I don’t think I’ve
ever come across a sentence that ends in a similarly absurd banana.
19 – Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?
• The real question is why are none of your nails hammered in properly?
They’re bent all over your forehead and frankly it’s embarrassing.
• I guess you should probably consider abandoning hammering altogether and and buy a Nerf bat.
18 – Does my head look big in this?
• Many people have asked their partner or friend whether or not they look good in their
choice of clothing, to which the askee almost always replies ‘yes’ to in fear of implying
that the asker has a larger than normal head.
• The other fantastic auto-complete here is the ‘does my crush like me’ because
apparently google knows all, including who your crush is and whether or not they reciprocate
your feelings towards them.
17 – Why is there a dead Pakistani on my couch?
• A famous philosophical question and thought experiment, so it’s no surprise it turned
up in Google autocomplete.
• What’s particularly weird about this one is the incredibly specific nature of the
question, how often did this specific situation have to prop up before it turned up on autocomplete?
At least a lot.
16 – Can a human get an animal pregnant?
• I don’t think so, I know I’ve attempted with a variety of animals including pigs,
horses, hippos, crocodiles and koalas.
• I’m guessing the people the googled this didn’t pay much attention during their
high-school biology classes.
15 – You smell like a baby prostitute.
• Kids these days, I swear it was just yesterday that we were complaining about how tweens
dress and now we’ve got baby prostitutes with their distinctive smell all up in this
place.
• But seriously, I can’t even comprehend why anyone would search this particular phrase;
it’s more than a little disturbing.
14 – What if one day you turned into an almond.
• I once turned into an almond, it wasn’t so bad after I got all the salt off of me
and avoided getting turned into a meal designed to use in baking.
• People are clearly just incredibly bored these days, why else would you google such
a ridiculous hypothetical question?
13 – What do I do if a dolphin wants to mate with me?
• You should be honoured that such an elegant sea beast has chosen you as its partner; just
be careful not to say any dolphin slurs in the process, they’re pretty sensitive about
that sort of thing.
• I’m guessing this one came from the workers from sea world and marine biologists,
who else could possibly know if a dolphin was asking to mate with them?
12 – Help, I accidentally pooped on my boyfriend.
• I think we’ve all been there every now and then, you
think you’re sitting on the toilet when all of a sudden you realise
that it’s actually your boyfriend’s chest, very awkward.
11 – I murdered someone because of monopoly.
• This one makes sense, if you like monopoly you’re clearly a sicko that is hungry for
murder.
• Of course that doesn’t exactly explain why someone typed this into google, did they
want to find a monopoly murderers support group?
10 – Bacon is a little hug from God.
• I know I hug people by giving them a delectable treat, so why wouldn’t God do the same thing?
• But really, I get why religious people would think this way, bacon is pretty damn
good indication that God does exist and he loves everyone equally.
9 – What are those things in Gremlins called?
• Oh crap, I know this, give me a second…
was it gurchers?
Gambles?
Gumlings?
No wait I think I got it: Grilnems.
• If you don’t think this is both stupid and funny you have serious issues, you don’t
need to have seen the movie to recognise just how idiotic this question really is.
8 – I like to yell at mice with my shirt off.
• But when I’m done with that I put my shirt back on and scream at cantaloupes with
my boxers around my ankles.
• The amount of bizarre statements put into google is starting to make me wish that computers
weren’t readily available in mental hospitals.
7 – Why does grandma/grandpa turn me on?
And: why does my grandma poop on me?
• When I found this search I spent a good thirty minutes staring at my scream with a
look of ‘what’ scrawled on my face that still hasn’t quite gone away yet.
6 – Once when I was 7 I sat on a banana.
• This happens to a lot of people, the best way to deal with this is to see a specialised
psychiatrist and work things through with them.
5 – Why do I want to eat my baby?
• I get it, I mean when it gets food all over itself it does look quite delicious,
but you need to restrain yourself and wait for the baby turn three years old or else
you run a chance of catching baby brain.
4 - My cat is pregnant and I think I’m the father.
• What is with people with all the incest and bestiality?
I mean I know this is the internet but really guys, calm your farms.
3 – Pop tarts are not Kleenex.
• This is an important distinction to make, many people type this into google so they
prevent as many third degree burns as possible; I myself have typed it in google at least
forty times to make sure it remains as an auto-complete.
2 –From what age can babies fly?
I don’t even know man, I’m still waiting to fly myself; I’m guessing it happens at
around 42 years of age, but that could be the LSD speaking to me again.
1 – How does a blind person see?
And how does a blind person know when to stop wiping?
• Okay, the second one isn’t that bad, I can understand people wanting to know this,
but the first one proves that there are many, many stupid people with the access to the
internet.
• I mean if you’re searching this you must have an inkling of an idea what blind
means, else would you search it?
Furthermore, what answer were they expecting?
All blind people scream constantly in order to use sonar?