From Pi...tof...
(Just...Pitof?)
comes a solemn reminder that no matter what happens with the new Wonder Woman,
the bar for female-led superhero movies is really...
REALLY...
LOW!
"Meow!"
"Catwoman".
Before you see the best DC has to offer,
revisit the worst.
In this sloppily directed,
insanely edited,
terribly written,
ridiculously acted pile of cat barf,
that came out just one year before "Batman Begins",
but feels more like the spiritual sequel to "Batman and Robin".
"Chicks like you give women a bad name."
Meet Selina Kyle --
Haha, just kidding! This movie has NOTHING to do with the source material.
Meet some random lady named Patience Phillips,
a graphic designer with two of film's horniest co-workers.
"We have our ways, hmm?"
"Man sandwich, twelve o' clock!"
She's supposed to be a frumpy nerd, but since Halle Berry is the exact opposite of that,
they'll just bury her in plus-size clothes and make her super clumsy.
"Oh! I'm sorry!"
*glass breaks*
Everything will change when a cat French kisses her dead body on a pile of garbage.
Patience will become Catwoman, a woman with the literal powers of a cat, like:
Hissing,
*hiss*
getting off to catnip,
*sniffing*
and eating disgusting amounts of tuna.
*eating noisily*
But instead of, oh I don't know, seeing a doctor about any of this,
she'll just Google the phrase "Cats period women",
and give herself a haircut.
*scissors snipping*
Watch a film that takes a step forward in representing a female superhero,
take eight steps back by having her do battle...against moisturizer.
EEEVIL moisturizer!
As cosmetics exec Sharon Stone gets to vent some of her personal frustrations with Hollywood...
"I was everything they wanted me to be."
"And then I turned forty."
"They threw me away."
...while releasing a product that's a class action lawsuit waiting to happen.
"You stop using it...and your face disintegrates!"
You know, I'm pretty sure that product gets recalled without Catwoman doing anything.
She could literally sit her own movie out and nothing would change.
Revisit an era where superheroes hit their low points,
full of iconically crappy moments like:
the playground scene,
the emo dance,
and the Bat credit card.
"Never leave the cave without it."
But not to be outdone, "Catwoman" makes its contribution to garbage culture
in the weirdest game of basketball ever filmed.
Why are they just standing and dribbling for each other?
That's not how basketball works!
Stop shaking your ass at him, kids are watching!
Ugh!
WHYYYYY?!
So look out boys, 'cause this ain't the superhero movie for you.
And step back girls, 'cause it's not for you either.
Or you, Batman fans.
Or you, person with eyes and ears.
This is a movie made for NO ONE, about NOTHING, that NEVER should have existed,
whose only positive contribution to the world was Halle Berry's Razzie speech.
"Thank you for putting me in a piece of sh**, god-awful movie!"
At least she's a good sport about it! Now just apologize for that toad line, and we're good.
"Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning?"
"The same thing that happens to everything else."
Hey, it's not like Marvel is doing much better at this point, either.
*sai swishing sounds*
Uuurghhh...