Hey everyone, it's Lucie Fink, sitting here with my husband Michael. Thank you for
coming back. Give this video a thumbs up if you're excited to see him here... I am.
Today's video is going to be all about why we chose to move in together before we got married.
Michael: Why did we choose to do that? It's a question I ask myself every day.
Lucie: Do I have something on my face? Ow... Oh god, this is what happens when you get married!
Michael: You've just got a little bit of makeup...
Lucie: We got married in September, 2019... and we moved in together two years before that in May of 2017... so
we lived together for two years before the actual wedding... but we were also
dating for six years before we moved in together.
Michael: And we started dating in 2009...
Lucie: So it's been eight years?
Michael: Eight years prior to moving in.
Lucie: *sighs* Math.
Michael: That's what I'm here for.
Lucie: Anyway... Before I start this video I just
wanted to preface it by saying that I completely understand that for various
people out there... whether it's a cultural reason or a religious reason... you
actually can't move in with a partner before you get married, and that's
totally understandable. So if this video is not for you, then it's not for you. But
based on where we grew up and the social environment that we are from, moving in
with a partner before you get married is actually highly recommended and it's
something that our parents both kind of enforced that we do before getting
married... So, this was definitely always going to be a thing that we did. But I
understand that it's not for everyone out there and it's really not necessary
for a relationship to be successful... We just feel like it did wonders for us, and
there are so many reasons why if you're on the fence about it... you maybe should
try it out. So that's what we're going to talk about today.
Michael: So, when we decided to actually move in together, we had all these decisions to make... Which apartment
do we go to? Do we choose one of our apartments? Do we find a new place together?
Big decision. And we always knew that we wanted to start at a new place together.
I was living with a friend prior to that, and I definitely wanted to move to a new place...
Lucie was living with her sister Allie
and another friend before that so that wasn't really an option for us either...
and it was just really exciting to think about moving into a brand-new spot
together... moving some of our old stuff in... maybe getting some new stuff... decorating
our place for the first time, and... yeah! Just a lot of fun stuff to look forward
to... and a lot of firsts. That's one of the great things,
I think, about moving in together at that stage is that you have all these
different life experiences that you're about to embark on with each other... and
it's a really fun one to go apartment searching, or house hunting, or whatever
it is for you... and figuring out how you're gonna make it work... And I feel
like it's kind of the first example where, from a life standpoint, you figure
out... okay, where do I want to live? What do I prioritize? And how do I make that work with another person?
Lucie: Should you move into my apartment? Should I move into your
apartment? Maybe you don't live in an apartment... Maybe we're talking about
houses... Maybe we're talking about...
Both: Boats...
Lucie: We just both felt that it was most
exciting and made most sense to move into a third apartment instead of having
him join me with my sister and friend... which wasn't an option... or having me join
him with his friend... which also wasn't an option space-wise. When it comes to
financial situation... That's actually another reason why we found moving in
together made more sense. when it comes to getting the most bang for your buck
in a city apartment, or any sort of living situation... having two people that
only need one bedroom is a lot better than trying to search for multiple
bedrooms for multiple people. I just remember being so excited when we were
moving into a one-bedroom, knowing that we would have one bedroom for the two of
us and that we would actually have a living room where we could live in...
versus in my previous living arrangements, one person would sleep in
the bedroom, and then the living room would be flexed into another bedroom for
the other person... so it was kind of amazing to have a living room that's just a living room.
Michael: It was fun, too, to have an apartment where it was, like, you
know... you get four closets, I get, like, a half a closet... that was fun, too.
Lucie: So, here are some reasons why we felt moving in together it was useful. Number one was the convenience factor.
Michael: This was a big one. Very, very important. At the point
that we decided to move in together, we were spending pretty much every day... as
much time as possible together... and I think I was sleeping over at your
apartment... pretty much every night... and then going
back to my apartment before work, and changing and whatnot... so it was very
inconvenient and inefficient from my standpoint. I had a second set of a lot
of stuff, like toiletries, at Lucie's place. Lucie stayed at my apartment
maybe... three times. Three nights in the multiple years that I... I was there...
but it was fine. I was very happy to stay... stay with her... but that was one of the
things that made it nice about moving in together was it was not like one of us
was staying over at the other's place... it was constantly both of us were staying
in our own place that was just ours.
Lucie: Yeah, I think I felt kind of bad when he would
stay over at my place, even though I was so grateful that he
was taking the hit and he was the one to stay out of his home... I definitely knew
that he didn't feel fully comfortable being in my apartment. He had to be
cognizant of using the bathroom, because I had roommates... He had to be quiet when
he woke up to go to work in the morning, because I had roommates... and I just
remember feeling like "wow, how great is it going to be when we have our own
space where you don't have to tiptoe around and feel out of place?" So, that was
a definite convenience factor for you.
Michael: It's also a really nice feeling to know
that every night you're both gonna be coming back, and most nights you're gonna
be... cooking together, or picking up food together, or whatever... and ending the night with each other.
Lucie: I remember... It just got really sunny ... I remember when he
would tell me that he was coming to sleep over... and I would get so giddy and
excited that I knew you were coming over, and so that was just a major step up
once we moved in together to know that every night was a sleepover, and every
night we had something exciting to look forward to.
Michael: Slumber party.
Lucie: I can't see.
Whoa... what's going on? We can't film like this... Look at the light! Lighting
conditions are not acceptable right now... so we'll be relocating.
We've relocated.
Another major reason why moving in together before we got married was
useful for us, is that it reduced the amount of friction on our relationship post-wedding.
Michael: We had so much to worry about
and think about with the wedding itself... with the engagement... leading up to
planning for the wedding... leading up to the wedding itself, and the honeymoon... and
all of that stuff... really exciting. But also a lot to handle. And I can't really
imagine thinking about... you know... moving in together for the first time on top of
that. We already made the decision to move to a new spot together, roughly
around the time of the wedding... and that was a lot to handle. I think it
definitely worked out well, but I can't really imagine... you know,
adding on top of that the idea of... for the very first time... moving in together.
So it was nice to not have to worry about that when it came time to actually get married.
Lucie: So, we kind of, like... batched all of the difficult things into a few months...
Michael: When you move in with someone you learn more stuff about them than you did
before, and hopefully it's enlightening in a good way... which it certainly has
been for us... but there's a lot of unknowns when you don't spend every
waking minute with someone... And it was really nice,
I think, post-wedding... to come back to something that was comfortable, but also new.
Lucie: We actually have already made a video that is, I think, like "24 things we
learned about each other after we moved in together"... so if you haven't seen that,
definitely go check it out... But the reason I mentioned that is we felt like
moving in together gave us so much information about the other person, and
this is all information that I would assume somebody would want to gather
before making the decision whether or not to marry a person. I personally feel
like there are a lot of different things about a person-- like personality traits,
or your sleeping patterns, or your cleaning patterns--that are all important
to discuss and get out in the open before you actually have a wedding. The
reason I say that is because if you're going to fight with a partner about
cleanliness or about their personal habits, I just think that's something to
get out of the way before you're in the post-wedding glow... and in the glory of
the moment of being newlyweds... I just feel like there are so many things that
you can clear off of the slate before you get married, so that once you
actually do get married it can be mostly just a celebration and not a "getting to know you" period.
Michael: When you move in together it's obviously a big step, but
it is also... like, getting married to someone ideally is a decision that
you're spending the rest of your life with that person... and I just think it
makes a lot of sense to move in together before that and know what you're getting into.
Lucie: So, what information did you gather about me?
Michael: Just how compatible we are... and
just, like, how you're such a perfect person in every way...
Lucie: *laughs* No, I think what he's trying to say in not so many words...
is that he discovered that I'm really messy...
he discovered that I don't always pull my weight with household chores...
and I think he discovered that I disrupt him a lot in my sleep because I
have sleep issues and I wake up screaming in the middle of the night. Right?
Michael: Yeah, I would say I don't think it's to the extreme... well, certainly with the sleep
stuff it's definitely more extreme than you made it out to be... With the
other stuff, it's just minor things around the house...
I mean, I don't think there was anything that stood out that was, like, a major
issue... After we moved in together, I think it was more so just like "If I'm gonna
get married to someone, I want to know--to the best that I can--what it's like, what
it's gonna be like to actually live together for the foreseeable future..."
Lucie: And here's what we did... So, when we decided we were moving in together, we sat down and
we had a conversation about everything... Money, our sleeping patterns, our
cleanliness patterns, what we expect from the other person, if we're gonna be... you
know, living in the same quarters as them... and we just dished everything out in one
conversation... and then, slowly, over time we noticed where patterns were emerging,
or where we were butting heads, and we were able to iron things out in due time.
That said, it didn't fully cure the issue of us having some issues post-marriage...
So I can tell you with certainty, we are now post-marriage, and just last week
this guy sat me down and told me that I'm too dirty... and not clean enough
around the house for him, and that I don't pull my weight with the dishes.
Michael: It was an intervention...
Lucie: I hear you. I hear you, and I am working on it. And
that's the thing... It didn't solve the problem. It wasn't like we had
that conversation when we moved in together initially, and then post-marriage
was all rainbows and butterflies... BUT I can assure you that
post-marriage, a majority of the time has been rainbows and butterflies because
we've just totally mitigated the need to have that conversation over and over and over again.
Michael: When we got married, one of the best parts of it for me, and why it
was so meaningful, was because I just had so much faith and confidence in us given
our history... but also, you add on top of the fact that we've been dating for 10
plus years at that point... the fact that we had been living together for multiple
years and it just was incredibly comfortable... like, obviously no
relationship is perfect... I'm sorry to tell you... No, but I
feel like we're as close to it as you can get... or as we can get, because we
just are incredibly open and communicative with each other... and a
big part of that is actually spending time living together,
I think. The phases of a relationship change, whether it's a friendship or a
romantic relationship or whatever... but I think when you move in together you
start to realize how you can actually compromise, how you can find joint
interests, how you can find things out, and how you can evolve together... and I'll stop speaking now.
Lucie: Wait, I just want to tell you guys what happened... He was talking and although he
was speaking mellifluously and saying beautiful things... I was thinking that
it was going on too long... so I poked him, subtly... I pushed into him...
Michael: Oh, oh, that's what that was?
Lucie: And then he realized... no, but you said it beautifully...
Michael: No, I realized before that...
Lucie: You said it beautifully, and
I just think it's important for people out there who are on the verge of moving
in with a partner to know that it's going to have some highs and lows... There
are going to be some rough patches that come along with moving in with a person,
and that's totally normal. So, our reason for suggesting that you move in together
before you get married is just so that you can iron out those kinks and get to
a state where you're actually enjoying every aspect of living together... before
you go through the most exciting day of your lives together. Another thing that
might be happening post-wedding is... in addition to some people going on a
honeymoon right away, or just coming off the high of a wedding... you might have to
start doing a lot of other logistical tasks in your life, like updating your
name on legal documents, or changing your address, or... you know, there's a lot of
things that come along with marriage... like organizing your financials, opening
a joint bank account... a lot of things that you might have to do... and so I would just
say checking one thing off your list beforehand... such as officially moving in
together... is a great way to just narrow down all the things that you're going to
have to do after you get married. So, what is our sage advice for people who are
thinking... you know, I might want to live with a person before I get married, and
I think I might be at that point... but I just don't know if now
is the time... or if... I don't know if this is the right move for me...
Michael: Rent. Don't buy.
Lucie: You make a good point. It's not to say that you have any less faith in the success
of your relationship, but I just think it's a fact... that getting out of an
apartment rental is a lot easier than dealing with potentially having to get
out of a major purchase... such as a house. So, if you are moving in together but
you're not yet legally married, I think renting is probably the best way to go.
Next, if you're on the verge of moving in with your partner... be really clear about
your boundaries and your living styles.
Michael: I'd recommend having that conversation
before moving in together, just so that you can start implementing what you're
talking about... and maybe make any changes almost
immediately upon moving in together...
Lucie: And I think you want to have that
conversation in a way that is going to be helpful... but you also don't want to
make that conversation too serious... because the fact is: moving in together
should be enjoyable and fun, and even though you are kind of laying out all of
your dirty laundry for the partner to see before you take the plunge... this
doesn't need to be, like, a dramatic, stressful, intense conversation. It can
just be fun and light... while still being honest.
Michael: And I also think... Ideally if
you're at the stage where you're considering moving in... you and your
partner should know enough about each other already that it's not... You
shouldn't feel like there's that much... quote, unquote "dirty laundry" that needs to
be, you know, aired or whatever...
Lucie: Right. There honestly shouldn't be... secrets coming out.
It should just be more of, like, "here's what you need to know and keep in mind
if you're going to live well with me."
Michael: And I actually think it's kind of a nice
check on where your relationship is at if you're thinking to yourself "Oh..." you
know, "maybe it's time for me and my partner to move in together..." and then you
start thinking through, like, "Well, what's it actually gonna be like to live with
that person?" And if you don't really have a good sense, or you're not completely
comfortable... maybe it's not quite the right time yet.
Lucie: Yeah, I'm gonna butt in...
Michael: Go ahead.
Lucie: No pun intended... and talk about bathroom habits.
Michael: Oh... Okay.
Lucie: Well, I just want to say...
a lot of couples ask about bathroom habits. Every couple out there has a
different bathroom relationship with their significant other. I have friends
who go to the bathroom in front of their partner after a week of dating... I have
friends that are married for eight years and have never
once gone to the bathroom in front of their partner. And I just think moving in
together is... we found that the whole bathroom element of it was, like, the
funniest part of it. Well, we personally are just not major... The bathroom is not a
major part of our relationship...
Michael: This is now getting weird.
Lucie: It's just we're not that kind of couple that just, like, goes in front of each other and does
everything in front of each other... So it was definitely funny to move in together
and now have one bathroom that we're sharing... and there is kind of no hiding
it at that point... So, I think being really open making sure you're comfortable with
talking about "What type of bathroom couple are we?" before you move in together
can mitigate some... not only some awkwardness, but also just, like, your
personal stress. You don't want to be in the bathroom and be like... "HE'S HOME. What do I do?"
So, yeah. Just think about the bathroom,
but don't stress. I hope this video was helpful at giving you some tips about
things that you should think about or consider before you take the plunge... but,
as you probably have guessed by now, both of us would highly recommend that
couples planning on getting married should move in together beforehand if
it's a possibility for your social situation and your lifestyle.
Michael: It's really fun. It's a great time. I got to know this woman very, very well. And... yeah, here we are...
Still living together... It's going well...
Lucie: Yeah, we've been married a few months now, and it's a whole new year together... We've
been spending a lot of time together throughout this Corona quarantine, and...
even more of a reason why living together has helped us... but I'm just so grateful that
I can potentially provide some value or insight to someone out there who's going
through a similar time in your life. Comment below, let me know if you have
any follow-up questions. Let us know your thoughts about moving in with a partner
in the comment section, and give this video a thumbs up if you enjoyed
watching it. We'll see you next time!