in this video we're going to cover the four primary attachment styles how they
develop and how all of that relates to addiction now if you don't already know
a whole lot about attachment theory the information in this video is going to
completely change the way you see yourself your loved one and the
relationship that you have and most importantly it's going to provide you
with the information that you need to turn the whole situation around if
you're new to this channel I'm amber Hollingsworth and this is put the shovel
down the YouTube channel designed exclusively to help you understand the
psychology of addiction so you can outsmart it break free from it and
ultimately live your best life if that all sounds good to you consider
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every week okay let's get on with it to understand attachment Styles we really
need to go back to some of the beginning theory and research about attachment so
you can understand where this information comes from how we know what
we know and how to apply it in your life in a practical level in order to do that
we need to go years back to a psychological experiment called the
strange situation in this experiment the researcher designed this scenario to try
and test and look at the attachment styles of infants or 1-year-olds and
their mother and so here's how this setup works basically what would happen
would be there was this room there was a young like research assistant sitting in
the room and there was a bunch of toys in the floor and they would invite these
mothers to come in with these children that were about 1 years old
and the moms would sit there and the kids would kind of see all those toys
and they would venture out a little bit and they would start playing with those
toys and then they would ask the mom just sort of kind of quietly exit the
room and she wouldn't go far she would just be outside of the room and they
wanted to see what would happen to these children well naturally the children
would cry and protest and look for their mom and someone go to the door and they
would scream but the really interesting part happens when the mom re-enters the
room because what they noticed was there were
some patterns in the way the children would react once the mother re-entered
the room most children didn't like it when mom would leave the room and they
would protest but there was definitely a difference in how they responded once
she came back in most of the children would go to the mother the mom would
sort of comfort them and nurture them and they would eventually they would
sort of calm back down and a lot of children would after that they would
sort of go back out and play with the toys a little bit some of the children
however didn't do that some of those children reacted in a really different
way some of the toddlers were so upset with the mom that when the mom returned
they were sort of in protest and even when the mom would try to nurture them
and and love them they would just sort of like go limp or kind of avoid and
feel be sort of like disconnected from the mom and other children would be so
upset they would be nearly inconsolable and so even though the moms would
nurture them and love them and kiss them and all that stuff that moms do and the
moms in that scenario had a very difficult time getting those kids to
calm down and relax and so it's from that research done years ago that's
helped us form our theories on attachment not only how it works for
children and one-year-olds and their mom but how that plays out over a person's
lifetime okay I know you might be thinking on where's the addiction part
come you just hang with me we're going to get there I promise but first let's
look a little bit closer at those attachment styles there are four primary
attachment styles understanding those categories helps us to understand
ourselves and the people around us but don't think of it in a super black and
white kind of way okay attachment style number one is called a secure attachment
and approximately sixty percent of people have a secure attachment style so
you know those kids in the research study that we talked about when the mom
came back in the room and she sort of consoled them and it took a minute but
they calm down and then they went back to playing that is a secure attachment
style and that happens when children feel like they can rely on their primary
caregiver or caregivers to meet their needs when children feel more sick
here it's like they feel like they have this home base and if something happens
to me or I get hurt or I get upset I can go here I can get what I need
and that actually makes the child feel safer to sort of venture out into the
world and I know in the study it's like venture out into the world is like crawl
a few feet away and play with some toys but that same behavior translates
throughout our life because you might think well if people have this safety
net then they're not really brave enough to go out there and venture but in
reality it makes them feel safer they can go further out into the world they
can chase their dreams they can experiment with things because they know
no matter what they have this secure attachment but on a deep level there's a
belief that I'm gonna be okay the world's gonna take care of me and I
have the things I need to be okay that creates a secure attachment and people
with secure attachments tend to not only have better relationships but research
also shows that they actually have better physical health than the people
with the other attachment styles and have a tendency to be more successful
next let's look at the attachment style called the anxious attachment and this
can happen for a variety of reasons it's not necessarily because someone is a bad
parent or doesn't love their child I mean there are a lot of things that can
go on in life in the previous video in this series we talked about some of
those things I mean heck think of this if it's a mom and let's say this mom has
quadruplets and there are four little babies then even though she can be the
most loving mom her ability to meet all of the needs all of the time for four
little babies is going to be really hard and children with an anxious
attachment style may have a tendency to do more acting out to be more sick to
get their needs met by being bad or a victim of some sorts it's an effort to
get their connection bonding attachment and needs
met but this is like deep hardwired brain stuff that's going on here
now the third attachment style is one that's called avoidant or you might hear
it called anxious avoidant or insecure avoidance different term for it but an
avoidant attachment style it seems like it's more way down here on a continuum
it's sort of opposite of that anxious attachment style and some research out
there says that children that have and avoidant attachment style also grew
up in a household where they felt like they couldn't necessarily rely on their
parents to meet all their needs but one interesting thing about an avoidant
attachment style is many times these people come from parents who sort of put
the child in a little bit more of a parental role somewhere along the
way the child learns that they're also responsible for the parents feelings and
emotions this can happen if like let's say you have like a mom and a dad and
the relationships not happy and they're really disconnected sometimes the parent
will start to form a relationship with the child where the parent is getting
the parent need met through their relationship with the child and
counseling we call that like a enmeshment it's like you're overly a
mess with the child and so we frequently see it where and this can have it when
moms or dads but like for example a mom might confide in their child you know
your dad is like this he's like that he's probably be so grumpy when he comes
home like help me clean up the house so we don't have to deal with that it's
like there's this secret little alliance going on here where the parent and the
child have the type of relationship that really the two parents should be having
with each other and so in this kind of situation the child they like the
attention and they like the affirmation and the validation I mean that makes you
feel really cool and big to be relied on like that and for your parent to confide
in you but on another level it creates this thing inside where you feel sort of
burdened and many times people with an avoidant attachment style will do things
more out of obligation than want or desire and deep down in there there's
this sort of a counselor word for it might be called fear of engulfment it's
almost like if I get too close to you your needs might overwhelm me and so
people with an avoidant attachment style will come across as fairly confident and
independent and they're going to want their space in our relationship and
adulthood they like the relationship because they like the attention and the
validation of it but they also are avoidant or distancing of that because
they can also feel overwhelmed by the needs of the other person and sometimes
it's not what this other person is necessarily doing this is stuff that
we're bringing from our childhood into our current adult relationships in a way
that we don't even know that we're doing which is in contrast over here to this
anxious style attachment who can be really clingy
and needy and need a constant reassurance from the other person that
hey were okay you know the anxious person is constantly scanning the other
person to sort of read the situation they may want frequent contact
throughout the day you know this is the person that wants to text and
communicate a lot they can get jealous easily they can misinterpret things it's
personal that are not personal whereas on the other hand this avoidant person
wants distance physical distance and emotional distance it's not that they
don't want a relationship but they require a lot more room and freedom to
operate independently and that helps them to feel more safe and secure in their
relationship and then the fourth attachment style is sort of a
combination of the anxious and the avoidant and so when you have this type
attachment style it's like I'm scared to death to not have this relationship and
I'm also scared to death of being overwhelmed with this relationship so
you get this sort of push-pull thing going on or it's like I pull you closer
then as soon as you're close it's like oh my gosh I don't want to deal with you
and I'll push you away and so it's push pull push pull and obviously that can
become very difficult in relationships I know I'm condensing down a lot of
information and giving it to you really fast here but I don't want to finish
this video without giving you the little tie of how all this connects to
addiction all that stuff you just learned put it right here and I'm going
to add something in we're gonna put it together okay so if you've watched some
of my videos you may have heard me talk about Maslow's hierarchy of needs it's
like this pyramid you learn in psychology and it talks about human
needs and at the bottom is sort of your survival needs it's you know your
physical needs and your safety needs and then it's like love and belonging and
then it's like esteem which is like career and being proud of yourself and
then at the top it's like self-actualization which is a really
cool model because essentially the theory is you have to meet those base
needs before you can meet the next need so it's like I have to be physically
okay before I can worry about you know I'm cool and people like me you know
that sort of thing but with the advancement in science on
attachment I would begin to say that there maybe there is a layer at the very
bottom of that which is attachment and bonding that may
our needs to have healthy connections and attachment and bonding is even
stronger than our needs for food and shelter and safety I mean think about it
other people in your life that you would literally starve for are there people in
your life that you would literally put yourself in harm's way for I bet there
are and that comes from a very primal need to feel connected in earlier video
we talked about when babies are born and they hand the baby to the mom and you
get that skin on skin that is such a primary need that is literally one of
the first things that happen between the mother and the baby
that's how very important this is and when that is not happening correctly
whether that is from childhood attachment trauma or teenager attachment
trauma or adult attachment trauma when you're not getting those attachment
needs met correctly you are in distress physically your body's not operating the
way it should your neuro chemicals are different your emotions are not being
balanced and regulated and it's in this kind of situation where a person is
prone to developing an addiction because the chemicals whatever those chemicals
or those behaviors are produce the right kind of brain chemicals that make this
feel better now i want you stop listening I said feel better not be better I always
say it's kinda like if you're starving to death but the only thing you can find
to eat is Cheetos well you might feel less hungry you can eat all those
Cheetos but it's not really helping your body nutritiously you're still really
malnourished so that's what it's like this person is subconsciously
self-medicating this attachment need that is not being met correctly and what
really sets the problem on fire is once a person gets dependent on drugs then
they become so preoccupied with this drug over here any relationship that
they do have in their life they end up destroying pushing away hurting other
people and so they end up losing and destroying any hope and chance of a
healthy attachment a relationship which is actually the thing that can heal
addiction which is exactly what we're going to talk about in our next video
I'll put it right up here