One of my greatest sources of sadness in the church ministry for children from hard places
is that there is a great deal of punitive practice that bears the guise of the heart of God I don't
believe that it's God's desire to bruised and wounded to injure and re-traumatize our children
we have so many children who don't feel safe in their families so many children who don't
understand how they're loved because parenting practices are harsh and punitive in our work we
say there are disconnected parenting strategies and there are connected parenting strategies we
want to use the connected strategies we believe that's the heart of God some parents may have
been led to believe when I finish disciplining a child they should be frustrated and angry because
I've sorted that sin that's within them but if I understand the way that God loves me and
disciplines me when God disciplines me my behavior has changed I feel more connected to him than I
did before and I feel more content because I know of his love for me that's what I want my
children to have when I work with them now some parents will say well that's not what happens at
our house so we say think about three connected words three disconnected words when you finish
discipline is the behavior deferred they just do it again when you're not looking are you and the
child more discontent with your relationship do you feel more disconnected if you see those
three DS I'd encourage you to explore the heart of God and how he disciplines us when we finish
working with a child we want the behavior we want three C's we want the behavior changed corrected
we want that child to be more connected to us than they were before and we want that child to
be content because they have succeeded and I know that is a caregiver I'll be more content because
I empowered that child to succeed one of the most common questions we get from parents is what about
consequences well I understand that consequences are effective life there are consequences there
are good consequences for some behaviors and there are not so much fun consequences for
some behaviors but I'm not a fan of families using consequences as their primary means of Correction
and discipline now sometimes I use consequences but a a cycle that begins in families is parents
who are focused on consequences for discipline begin to see the child's misbehavior and they
assign a punishment misbehavior punishment misbehavior punishment and before long we're
driving worse behaviors because the child doesn't feel understood doesn't feel felt the child
doesn't feel connected in many ways our parents unwittingly become the warden not the coach so if
a child says to me something mouthy I would prefer to do a redo try it again Betty that's not how we
talk to each other and then when that's over it's over but if I give a child a consequence that they
wait till evening to fulfill or they're grounded for three weeks I create a negative cycle with my
child now I mean I don't want to misguide you I am I'm very diligent about behavior
I'm very proactive about helping children learn new behavior but if I can do it through playful
engagement if I can do it through try it again Betty I can very often align with my child in the
way that they know I'm their advocate I'm their coach I'm their ally and I'm going to help them
face down anything that happened to them before they came to me we're going to do it together
for many years researchers have known that there's four basic styles of parenting want
a neglectful parent they're just not there one's a permissive parent they let the kids make all
the decisions one's a dictatorial parent called authoritarian parent they make all the choices
but the parenting style that yields the greatest outcomes for the lifespan for a child is called
authoritative parenting and that's where there is some shared power that's where the parents don't
hold the children hostage the children don't hold the parent hostage that's where the children don't
get to make all the choices the parents don't make all the choices but they work together and so when
I say to my grandchild not what do you want to wear tomorrow or what do you want to do with
the day but would you want to wear this dress or this dress I empower them to practice making good
choices when I say would you like to go to the park or go to the zoo I give them limited set of
good choices and I'm empowering them to learn to make choices many of our parents don't want our
children to have choices until they walk out the door to college and those are children who have
not got practice with making good choices I'm going to empower a two-year-old you want juice
or milk I'm going to power an eight-year-old do you want the crayons or the markers I'm going to
empower the adolescent at every age giving choices age-appropriate choices not giving the power all
to the child but sharing power with the child so that they learn how to appropriately use power
you we very often will encourage families to try compromise with their child well that's a little
bit of heresy in some families because how can you share power in that way but if you look at the
attachment relationship of a mother and a child or a father and a child you would just want to
sit down and have a cup of tea and a cookie but that baby wakes up you're going to give up what
you want you're going to go to that child every new parent just once a few hours of sleep but if
your baby wakes up in cries you go to your child you share power for making choices one of the most
profound things we can teach our children is that we're going to work with them now sometimes they
have to accept no but if I can share power with my child appropriate levels I'm not talking about
letting the child take me hostage but neither do I want to take the child hostage if I can let
that child weigh in and if I can give a choice give a compromise I'm going to and in that way
I strengthened my relationship to the child and in that way I strengthened the child's knowledge that
I'm their coach and that I'm their advocate and in that way I strengthened my child's ability to heal