- Glad to be here, awesome looking crowd.
It's everything I like in a crowd, it's nice and mixed.
A lot of hots, a lot of nots, let's talk about it.
We see each other every now and then,
it's good to be around.
It's okay, I can say that, I know I'm a not, you know?
I know that because years ago
I made the mistake of signing up for Tinder
and what a confidence killer that shit has been.
Wow, holy shit.
That app should be called Reality Check
is what it should be called when you download it today.
If you are not hot, get the hell out of here,
this is not for you.
I hated the whole experience.
I signed up for that app Fresh Out of A Relationship,
which is the worst time to upload photos
of your fat fucking face to the internet.
You just lie about yourself in a bio
hoping someone will fall for it.
I was addicted to the app.
I was addicted to swiping.
Everywhere I was going, I was just swiping and swiping.
At one point I was just like wow,
I am looking for my soulmate while I'm taking a shit.
The future is now, this is true love, it's crazy.
Zero matches too, and I was swiping
and the worst part is when Tinder stops you from swiping.
That's the worst feeling.
That's like Tinder saying, "hey man,
"we're fucking working on it, alright?
"Holy shit, go for a walk. Help us out.
"We had to fly in specialists for this account.
"We've never had to do that before."
I hated it.
And all the women on Tinder,
I've never met anybody like that in my real life.
Like if I knew I was going to be on Tinder years ago,
I would have started rock climbing,
I would have started kayaking
or meditating on a cliff somewhere.
That's all I see.
I've lived in Austin for 10 years
and I have never seen a cliff
but these women are finding them
and they are meditating on them with their dogs and shit.
It's crazy.
And my profile's nothing to write home about either.
All my photos are clear selfies of me
at home chilling on a bean bag,
Cheeto dust all over my face.
Bio just says "I love my dog, I love weed, I love Cheetos,
"it is what it is, let's fuck",
that's just all I have on that bio and again, zero matches.
I was on it for so long, I got no matches, you know?
And at one point, I was just lying to myself.
I was like, ah, it's probably just a glitch with the app.
A Tinder glitch.
One night I got so lonely I actually googled it.
I put Tinder, glitch,
I put my zip code in there,
just to fucking narrow down the search for the computer,
help it out.
I live around a lot of trees.
There was no glitch,
but I what I found was something even better.
I found a chat room consisting of other men
exactly like me looking for the same problem
that they had also made up.
There was three of us.
First guy was like, "yo, I haven't had a match on Tinder
"in over a year, I'm thinking there's a glitch,
"I've already emailed Tinder HQ about a dozen times,
"they still haven't gotten back to me.
"Thinking there's a glitch with their email servers.
"Is anybody else having these problems?"
And the only other guy was like,
"yeah, I've been doing research for about three years now
"and through my studies, I have found
"that there's something going on
"with their internet towers."
I was like, what the fuck are internet towers, what?
What kind of research did this guy do?
It doesn't matter, first piece of the puzzle, let's do this.
So I joined the group and I was like,
hey man, what are internet towers?
By the way, I'm also having these problems.
And he responded with the best thing
I've ever read on the internet.
He put, "bro, that's what IT stands for."
Is it?
I just was staring at my computer
and I just realized I don't know what IT stands for.
I've been using it for decades and I've never known.
I was using it in sentences in my head.
I was like, can we get Doug
from Internet Tower support up here?
My computer's acting all fucked up.
Checks out.
Silver lining to that story is,
I actually know those two guys in my real life
and we hang out all the time now, so that's pretty dope.
We're working on an app right now, it's called Bro-Finder.
It's not going well, we don't know how to make apps.
I used to have this roommate and he used to annoy me
because he actually used to be good at dating.
Like he'd be on the apps
and he'd always be showing up with new women all the time.
Every time he went on a date, I felt bad for these women
because I could tell my roommate didn't tell them
that he had a roommate.
Because whenever they came home,
I could hear the happiness outside the door
and whenever they'd walk in and me and her would lock eyes,
I'd see the happiness quickly leave her face
while I was just eating ice cream and watching television.
Because I know what she's thinking when she's looking at me.
She's thinking, "oh no,
"this guy's going to hear me having sex."
And I'm thinking, yes I am.
That's why I stayed up this late.
I was getting fucking worried, I was about to call the cops,
where were you guys?
Let's do this.
One time, a buddy of mine, Carter, came over
and we hardly knew each other.
We were taking our friendship on a test ride
and it was really early.
He came over, we got real high,
we were watching "Forrest Gump" on a Friday night,
call it Forrest Fridays
and my roommate gets home with his girl
and they walk awkwardly to his bedroom,
me and Carter were just watching "Gump"
and we hear the fuckenings begin in the next room,
we just hear it, it's unavoidable and for me and Carter,
we hardly know each other so it's very uncomfortable.
I feel very awkward
because I don't know what kind of guy Carter is yet.
I don't know if he's the kind of guy
that wants me to maximize the volume on "Gump"
and we could both pretend
we're just not hearing what we're hearing
or if he's like my other friends
and he wants to go jack off by the door,
I don't know what kind of guy he is yet.
I don't know anything about him.
I don't know if he's cool yet, is what I'm saying.
Turns out he's pretty cool.
He jacked off on the door,
sweffered it right off, right out, it was fine.
Guys, I took a ride share to get here.
I don't even use my car no more.
Who drives, I don't know?
I have a $5 limo in my pocket, it's crazy
but I use ride share for another reason.
I love to creep out the drivers, it's so much fun.
They don't know me, you know?
The only decision you've got to make when that car pulls up
is where you're going to sit.
It set the tone for the entire car ride
with this complete stranger.
Obviously I like to sit right behind the driver
and stare at them non stop through the rear view mirror
like I'm definitely going to murder them
and I stay silent as fuck the entire car ride.
I even bring a plastic bag and just make crinkle noises
for effect at this point.
It's the best when they try to talk to you.
They're like, "how you doing, sir?" and you say nothing.
They're like, "oh my god, what the (fuck),
"what did I get myself into?
"I just needed extra cash."
I also like to sit in the passenger side
and ask for the auxiliary cable to play my own music
and then I play nothing but Nickelback the entire car ride.
I don't even play the hits,
I play deep cuts by Nickelback nobody knows
and I just act like a real Nickelback fan the entire time.
This is them at Coachella '97, this is hard to find.
This is good 'Back,
this is the 'Back they won't play on the radio.
I don't know why I'm obsessed with Nickelback.
Chad Kroger, specifically.
Like I entered Chad Kroger from Nickelback,
I entered his name into my TMZ app years ago
so any time something goes down with Chad,
I get a notification and because of that,
I have all these useless 'Back facts in my head.
That's what I call them, 'Back facts.
I'll share one with you here tonight,
not that anybody wants one.
And some of you guys have heard this, some of you haven't
but man, I was shocked.
For example, did you guys know Chad Kroger from Nickelback,
his family owns Kroger Food Stores?
Yeah, I was stunned, yeah.
A famous grocery chain.
They were everywhere in Dallas, where I grew up
so my first thought when I read that was like damn,
all those 10 for 10 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
I was buying all those years paid for Chad's guitar lessons.
I helped start Nickelback.
It's pretty fucked up, part of the problem.
No, that's not true, I made it up, but still.
Some of your faces were like, what?
I'm glad I came to this tonight.
Tomorrow's ice breaker's on me.
His name's not even Chad Kroger, it's Chad Kroeger.
That's how little of a shit you guys give
about Chad Kroeger from Nickelback.
No one disagreed.
You're like Chad Kroger, yes,
of Kroger Food Stores, what's the joke?
Since you guys sat through that,
I'll give you a real 'Back fact,
again, not that anybody wants one.
Did you guys know Chad Kroeger from Nickelback,
his dad is Freddie Kruger from "Nightmare on Elm Street"?
It's a small world, but it makes sense, it's crazy
because that band is a nightmare.