-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, let's kick things off with some good news.
According to a new study,
face masks actually make people look more attractive.
[ Laughter ]
So when I say this is a hot crowd, I really mean it.
I mean, this is a hot crowd. That's right.
You are more attractive with a mask,
and you get the bonus of doing
a sexy little striptease on your face.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sultry music plays ]
Whew!
Some news from Washington.
Today President Biden announced a $27-billion program
to repair and replace bridges across the country.
So if your city is celebrating right now,
you should be happy and terrified.
But when Biden's staff found him looking at pictures of bridges,
they were like, "Don't do it, sir!
You can't trust the poll numbers!"
Some more political news.
The Republican Party said that they might not let
their nominees take part in future presidential debates.
Instead, they want candidates to knock each other
off giant rubber balls like the game show "Wipeout."
That would be too bad, if we scrap the debates.
I'll miss watching 90 minutes of Chris Wallace saying,
"Gentlemen, gentlemen, please.
Gentlemen! Gentlemen? Gentlemen."
Seriously, it's a shame. I mean, how else are we going to
get high-level political discourse like this?
-Excuse me, Chris. Wait. -Number one. Number two.
-Chris. -Number three.
-They said it would take -- No, you were on number two.
-No.
[ Laughter ]
-Listen to this.
Apparently Walgreens and CVS are shutting down some of their
pharmacies on weekends due to staffing shortages.
Yeah, it's not good.
Now when you go to CVS, there's a self-booster station.
It's just a needle sticking out of the blood-pressure machine.
[ Laughter ]
You put your arms in -- put your arms in two sleeves now.
You can tell CVS values the pharmacists they do have
because they keep them locked in the same plastic case
as the razor blades and Sudafed.
Hey, the NFL playoffs start tomorrow, and I heard
that the Bills-Patriots game in Buffalo could be
one of the coldest playoff games ever
with a wind chill of minus-15 degrees.
You'll know it's cold
when the players huddle up and just stay there.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, ESPN host and former NFL linebacker Bart Scott said
the best thing for players to do before a cold-weather game --
this is real -- is to take Viagra to get their --
to get their blood pumping.
If you go into the locker room after the game,
it looks like the wand shop from Harry Potter.
I'm just saying.
♪♪
-Abracadabra!
-But remember, if the game lasts for more than four hours,
you gotta call your doctor.
I already know that.
But this is -- Thank you. But this is true.
The wind chill in Buffalo could be minus 15.
It's going to be freezing.
Check out the signs that fans are bringing to the game.
This first one says...
This next one says...
And finally this one says...
So keep an eye out for those.
[ Applause ]
Well, everyone's really excited about this.
Today the fifth "Scream" movie hit theaters.
Yeah, the franchise features the most terrifying villain --
someone who always calls instead of just texting.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, I read that due to a shortage of PlayStation 5's,
Sony is just going to make more PlayStation 4's.
[ Laughter ]
That's like the guy at Subway saying, "We ran out of new ham,
so I'm just going to give you old ham."
[ Laughter ]
But if you have kids, here's what you do.
You put the PS4 in a PS3 box.
That way, they'll be disappointed
but also happily surprised.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, a tortoise that lives on a British island
has been declared the oldest ever at 190 years old.
The tortoise is so old, he takes Viagra
just to get his neck out of his shell.
We have a great show.