We're responding to your requests here at Live On Purpose TV. And some of you
have asked, "How do you deal with a negative spouse?" The very most important
thing to start with is to get clear about what you control and what you
don't. And your spouse is one of the things you don't control. Have you
noticed this? Hopefully you've come to that realization. And if you haven't,
let's get there first. It's hard enough to change yourself. It's impossible to
change someone else. So, starting from that point, let's see what we can do
inside of ourselves to have an impact on this problem of having a negative spouse.
One of the reasons that I'm so passionate about this is because of the
countless times I've heard it at my office. When a couple comes in and really
what they want to do is change that other person, right? Improve or fix that
person that came in with them. Or the person that they came in to talk to me
about that isn't them. That is a frustrating position to be in. And I've
often said it's kind of like teaching a pig to sing. It just frustrates you and
annoys the pig. So, let's get clear about what we control and what we don't. We're
shifting our focus back over to you. I know you're here to learn about your
spouse but we're taking the focus back to you. Stay with me.
This is powerful. Let's talk for just a minute about labeling. Naming, the names
are the labels that we give to our spouse changes how we show up. How you
show up. Notice that you've already got a label attached there. And I even
mentioned one at the title of this video, a negative spouse? Really? Is your spouse
negative? Well, there's arguments for that, right? And
you've got evidence that that label fits. Here's the thing: Any label we attach to
something changing how we interact with that something. If I
were to go into my pantry or my closet here in the home and I find a label that
says, "Snacks." Okay, I might be excited about that one because I got the
munchies, right? So, I'm going to jump into the thing labeled snacks and have some
fun with that. Now, what if I see another label? Kind of
over by the cleaning supplies that says "poison". Well, I'm going to treat that very
differently than I treat snacks. What label you give your spouse changes how
you treat your spouse. This is so important because the only thing you
control is yourself. Be aware of the labels that you've already attached
there. That's affecting how you show up. Now, this is a tricky one. Because
whatever label you've already attached feels correct to you. You know that
you're right. You have reasons for having attached that label in the first place.
And knowing that we're right about the label we've picked for our spouse has us
showing up in ways that are not particularly helpful. This label can
change. And you might consider changing it which will almost have a magical
effect. So, take the label negative out for just a minute. What if we were
talking today about how to deal with a positive, loving, affirming spouse? Would
you handle that differently than if we're talking about how to handle a
negative spouse? Now again, I know that you have reasons for the label. I know
that you can give me stories and examples of why that fits. I want you to
see that there's some other possibilities. And if you just pull
another label out for a minute, let's try that on, experiment with it a little bit.
See how it changes how you feel. And this can have a magical effect on your spouse.
As you start to treat them differently, they will respond with a similar energy.
This happens so many times that I can't ignore it. Pay attention to the labels.
Going back to our initial acknowledgement that you don't control
your spouse, what if you could become the very best example or model of positivity
that you could possibly become. Be an example of positivity rather than
someone who's constantly nagging them to improve, to do something better, to be
more positive. It's kind of a paradox that sometimes we jump into the same
problem that bothers us. And we complain and we're all negative about how
somebody is being all complaining and negative. It's kind of like yelling at
your kids to be quiet. It's kind of like saying, "Hey, stop the violence or I'll
knock your head off." You can't solve a problem using the same level of thinking
that caused the problem in the first place. So, we're switching up that energy.
You will become a model of positivity. If you're not sure how to do that, I got
your back. Come on over to live on purpose central
where we've got a lot of resources to train and reprogram your mind toward
that positivity. That's something that is absolutely within your reach and within
your control. As you show this example you're more likely to have the kind of
influence that you're hoping to have. This next point is something that might
be a little hard for you to hear. But just stay with me because this is
powerful. Hurt people hurt people. Now, follow the grammar, okay? Hurt people hurt
people. People who are hurt act out in ways that
are hurtful. This is true for you, it's true for your spouse, it's true for our
neighbors, it's true for angry mobs rioting in the streets. If people feel
hurt or unheard or marginalized or persecuted for some reason, the natural
response the natural fight-or-flight response that we all have as humans, has
us reacting in ways that can be potentially hurtful. I want you to know
this for 2 reasons. If your spouse is being negative, there's a high
probability that they're feeling hurt. I know you don't intentionally hurt your
spouse. But you may have unintentionally done it. I do it all the time. You can ask
Vicki. It's easy to get into a position where we offend or we hurt someone. And
then it starts to escalate from there. So, to counteract this, it's important to
choose love. Now, that sounds fluffy. But until you see
it as a choice, it's not. And there's a really clear way that you can do this.
There's 3 steps I think you assume the best about that person. So, if your
spouse is being negative, it strikes you as "What? That's not like her." or "That's
not like him to be like that." Your assumption is for the best. And so
anything you see that counteracts that is an anomaly. You with me.
Assume the best, practice humility. This is where we give up our need to be right
in exchange for being open. Open to some new possibilities. Open to whatever your
spouse seems to be thinking. Open to your spouses experience where they got hurt
and that's why they're showing up the way that they are. Your openness will go
a long way. And then finally, use that creative mind of yours to find ways to
lift and enhance and improve your spouse's experience. You step up and
serve. You show up and be that compassionate listening ear. Take the
higher road and choose love. Positive relationships is one of the things that
we're here to help you with. I don't know if you knew about the resource I
mentioned during the video. Live On Purpose Central is a place where you can
come for the resources that you need to become that loving spouse, that parent
who is calm and doesn't yell. That person who is confident about moving forward
with every aspect of life. We've got all kinds of resources that Live On Purpose
central to help you with that. Will you come visit us? Click on the link in the
description. I'll see you there.