Are you too nice? I'm so sorry. (Sneeze) Yeah, sure. I'll look after your
cat. (Sneeze) I'd be happy to! If you found that you recognise yourself in
any of those behaviours, then you may be being too nice, and it can actually end up having
the opposite effect, to what you want it to. So here's how you deal with that.
Hey there and welcome back to my channel. My name is Eva, and I'm a Career Coach and
Customer Success director on a mission to help people build meaningful careers, and
today I'm talking about one of the things you probably didn't know is holding you back
in your career, and that is being too nice. And you might say being nice is a good thing.
It means that you care and are helpful to other people, which is great, but if you found
that you haven't got time to yourself. If you've always got an overwhelming list of
favours that you've promised to other people and all your energy is just sucked into doing
things for somebody else, then you may be at risk of being too nice. And this can be
damaging to your career and even damaging to your relationships. So I'm going to help
you strike that fine balance between being a good person and being too nice. Now, I'm
going to start with the bad news. And that is that, in business, unfortunately, nice
people do finish last. The research by an organisational psychologist named Adam Grant
looked at people across all different types of organisations in different industries,
and found that the lowest performers in every single role, were people who we would call,
nice. They were thoughtful, they were caring, and they looked for ways that they could help
other people. He called these people give us, and he actually outlined three different
categories of people and how they approach their relationships. So the first two givers
and the others are matchers and takers. Now takers approach their relationships thinking,
what can you do for me and matchers have a more reciprocal relationship with people so
more of a, if I scratch your back for you scratch mine, so they expect a level of reciprocity.
So what is happening to all of these great people, That's leaving them at the bottom
of the organisation. Now this data may make you think I definitely don't want to be nice
anymore and I don't want to be a good person. If I want to do well in my career, but just
before you jump to that conclusion, there is still good news. For one thing, organisations
who have more givers overall tend to perform better. And that makes sense because these
give us a working, generally for the greater good. If you also look at the top performers
in every organisation, you get a far higher percentage of givers, as well. So it's not
that all most people are at the bottom, it's just that there are more people on the bottom
and the top of organisations. So what actually gets you to the top of the organisation or
being a doormat, what's causing the difference there. Well, the difference is strictly in
our definition of the word, nice and what that looks like and where it actually comes
from. So the opposite of being nice is not being mean, it's actually just being respected.
Think about it this way. If you were being invited out on a date by two different guys.
And one of the guys says, I have training on Friday that I'd love to take you out on
Saturday, and the other one says, I will take you out whenever you want I will cancel all
of my plans or just really want to go out with you. Which one do you think you're gonna
want to go out with. It's probably the one who has a little bit something going on in
their lives, and is not just fully happy to refuse, everything that they want or need
just to please you. This is the people pleasing person, which ultimately you're not going
to have a lot of respect for, and they're the people who become the doormats, they end
up in organisations doing everyone else's work for them, leaving no time to actually
do their own work and the things that are going to help them progress. Now before I
get to the good part on, what do we do about it. Let's cut to a 10 second dance break,
it's gonna be a very nice one. Do you actually fix being too nice. Stop smiling
so much. You all did a terrible job and I don't like any of you anyway. Obviously I
hope you can tell I'm joking. I think that's terrible advice anyone who tells you you have
to not be nice to get ahead in business, and you have to be really mean to other people,
has just got it wrong. If you are in an environment of takers. Number one, the research shows
us that those businesses will not do that. Well, anyway, but they're also not going to
appreciate the positivity that you can add positivity and kindness, are all amazing strength,
so you definitely want to keep those, but you have to stop yourself from becoming a
doormat. So here are five ways that you can protect yourself from being too nice. Number
one, stop caring about everybody liking you. And no, This is not stopping to care about
what anybody thinks, I think you should care what the people close to you think and the
people that you're working with, but they don't have to like you based on you doing
everything for them and you agreeing with everything they have to say, you're not going
to be everybody's cup of tea, but that doesn't have to be something that you take personally,
it's impossible to be everything for everybody. So except that you will be very well appreciated
by the people that you keep close to you, but at work, you don't have to be everybody's
best friend, and more importantly, you can still be great friends, even if you disagree
with them. And that brings me to step number two, which is always being honest, sometimes
we avoid telling people the truth because we don't want to hurt their feelings or we
think it's going to cause conflict at work, but particularly at work, you might have identified
something that someone has missed. And if you don't share that concern that could ultimately
be bad for your team, and for the business. We all know that friends who will tell us
the truth, even when it's not necessarily something we want to hear, and that is incredibly
valuable because you're going to know where you stand with them, and ultimately they can
help you make a better decision. And it's the same thing at work, if you're giving your
colleagues feedback, don't sugarcoat it. Because you are then robbing them of the opportunity
to actually do better. So give people that opportunity. Step number three, share your
preferences. If you really want to do something, don't just go along with what everybody else
is doing. When you share your preferences. It gives people the opportunity to actually
connect with you. Research shows that people are happier when they feel that they have
more control over the decisions that they make in their lives. So don't let all of those
really important decisions, go to somebody else. And that doesn't mean that they can't
be a little bit of given take, whether it's the movie you want to watch or what you want
to have for dinner, or where you're going to go for your holiday, you can always make
sure that your ideas are heard, as well. Step number four, set boundaries. Think about how
many times you have changed your schedule because someone else needs to do to do something,
and then you get to the end of the day and you haven't done any of the things on your
to do list or any of the things that were important to you. Now setting boundaries can
be really difficult, so I would recommend as a challenge, start saying no to one thing
every week after that, you can start planning the things that are most important for you
to get done, and then only accept the things that you can do with the joy. If you end up
always spreading yourself too thin and saying yes to another party, or Yes to another favour
that someone asks you for, you're not really going to be showing up, And you're going to
be doing it begrudgingly, and people will take advantage. Step number five, ask for
the things that you need to. If you're used to always doing things for other people, you
might feel guilty when it comes to asking for help yourself. In fact, givers are the
people who are most likely to burn out of work, and then not continues to be able to
perform at that standard, so don't forget to also reach out to your team if there are
things that they can help you with. Ultimately this fosters a much better environment. If
you aren't taking things on, just because you don't want to be a burden to anyone, but
then you're miserable and resentful and really you're being a martyr because you're always
doing things for everybody else and then no one does anything for you. Well, think about
whether you're actually opening up and letting people help you when someone offers you some
help, graciously accepted, so that then when you give you don't feel that you're giving
just expecting people to give you something else in return. This is also really important
at work. If you believe that you are working really hard, and adding a lot of value, but
you're not getting paid enough, and you don't want to ask for money because you don't want
to rock the boat and you get on really well and you don't want to cause any issues with
you and your colleagues. This is the same thing it's part of what you need. So don't
be afraid to go out and ask for those things. And if you need some help. I've got another
great video on how to approach that conversation and ask for a pay rise. So after that, do
you still think that you need to be really mean to get ahead at work. Hopefully not,
and I also hope that you see that you can be kind, you can do a great job, but you can
also have boundaries and make yourself respected among your peers, and that will help your
career immensely. And by the way, Matchers I'm watching you if you're finding this useful,
just subscribe this channel and give this video a like, thumbs up, to make sure that
you get access to new videos every Friday. If you found this helpful and if you are one
of those people who struggles with being too nice. Let me know down in the comments, what
are the things that you're struggling with what's difficult to say no to, and what would
be helpful to have some strategies to fight as being too nice. Thanks so much for watching.