Oh, my God.
Who wants to die?
[ROSIE LAUGHS]
I'm Amelia Dimoldenberg
and I am a celebrity brand visionary.
So I take your brand
and I catapult it to the next level.
[CEILING TILE HITS FLOOR]
[PARTY HORN BLOWS]
Happy birthday! Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday!
Who's birthday?
It's your birthday.
It's not my birthday.
As you know,
I am a celebrity brand visionary.
And I am a celebrity.
So I'm in the right place.
Absolutely.
Basically, I take your brand
and I catapult it to the next level.
But I'm already quite high.
How can you beat
perfection?
I can beat perfection. Really?
I know, yeah I can
I'm excited.
How would you describe your brand?
Like a little cheeky, lovely
lesbian.
Maybe it's a bit simplistic?
Why?
There's no one like me!
I can say anything.
What do you mean?
You can't cancel disabled people.
No, that is true.
OK, well, that's that's a great brand
to start with, but I really do think we can,
we can get better.
Can we?
We can.
And to prove this to you, I've made a little presentation.
Oh my God.
A quick little PowerPoint.
Hit me.
I can't do that for health and safety reasons.
OK, are you ready?
Yeah.
Rosie Jones.
First name, last name, you.
Stand-up.
Don't do that.
Sit down.
I didn't mean stand up.
Stand up!
Sit down. Yes.
So you’re a stand-up. No! [ROSIE LAUGHS]
Sit back down.
You're a stand-up, but it's kind of boring.
Kids author.
Oh, that is true, I've written a book.
There you go, you wrote a book.
Sexy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you know what, kids?
They don't read.
I think they do.
Bond.
James.
Bond.
You love Bond.
I do.
You said this:
'If a dog
can win Britain's Got Talent...
I reckon old Bondy
can have cerebral palsy,
and cracking tits.
The name's
Jones.
Rosie Jones.
Exactly.
This is what I'm talking about.
What?
Rosie Jones,
you are going to be rebranded to be...
an action hero!
YES!
Oh, my God, can I kill?
Uh, yes. I mean...
This is the best day.
It's my birthday and I get to kill.
I mean, I'm not exactly sure if you can kill,
but we could, we could look into it.
Where are we?
Gary?
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
Alright?
Nice to meet you Rosie, how are we?
Gary is a stunt coordinator
and he's here to teach you how to be an action hero.
Can you teach me how to kill?
Here we go.
One, two, Rosie, come on.
So we're going to go,
One, two comes that way. One... two...
And all we wanna do, Rosie, look we just wanna...
Action!
There we go Rosie, little side kick. Oh!
Kinky.
Three, two, one, action.
Duck, duck, woah!
Hello? Hollywood?
We've got one f*****g action hero
ready to go.
Yes. Lovely work.
Oh, thank you, Gary.
Thanks Gary.
Rosie.
I killed him.
[ROSIE LAUGHS]
Um.
I can't see anyone here, I'm all on my own in the office.
I'm here!
Oh, you're there!
Bond. Loves a Martini. Shaken, not stirred.
What's your favourite drink?
I'd say top
is a nice, cold
Tea.
A cold tea?
Yeah.
What would your catchphrase be if you were Bond?
'Oh my God.
Who wants to die?'
[ROSIE LAUGHS]
Where are we?
And why do I look like a waiter?
You know how everyone wants to know
who the next Bond is going to be?
It's going to be you.
Is it? Is it actually?
It's going to be you!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god.
I'm gonna ring my Mum.
Before you do that, we're going to make
an audition tape to send to Hollywood.
So, it's not mine yet?
Well it will be after they see the tape.
Because it'll be
so good? So good!
[SECRET AGENT MUSIC]
[GUNSHOT]
[SECRET AGENT MUSIC]
Russia.
Hi love.
What are you doing here?
I'm here to seduce.
What do you think about yoghurt?
I love yoghurt.
Oh, my God.
Who wants to die?
[CAT SCREECHES]
[EXPLOSION]
Woah!
I got ya!
Oh, no, you don't! And I'm running away to space.
No!
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
I'm in space and I'm floating around.
I'll get ya!
I don't know why you face planted that.
I really think I could be Bond.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello, Channel 4?
Yes.
Well, sadly, Rosie was terrible.
But we do have your next villain.
Oh yes, no, this is my real voice.
Thank you. OK, bye.
[CAT PURRS]