- I just recently turned single.
- Whoo! - It's better--yeah.
Oh, dude, cool.
That was the reaction I was looking for.
All that steamy dick getting thrown up here.
Nothing like some tailcoat dick getting winged at you.
[laughter and applause] [laughs]
Just bait into it, "Eeh."
I say turned single, it's just better than saying
I went through a breakup,
because then everyone does that bullshit empathy
where they're like, "Ahh."
But, you know, it happened.
You know, breakups are painful but sometimes necessary.
Like dehydrated dumps.
Was that too-- [chuckles]
Was that too coarse?
All right.
Super painful, then super relieving.
That's what it is.
You're like, "No, why am I-- ah, I think I'm gonna jog.
"I feel good.
I feel like there's room in me."
[laughter]
I knew it was gonna happen.
I just knew the breakup was gonna happen.
She moved to L.A., and I live in New York,
which is basically like trying to fuck an astronaut.
You just... [laughs]
Like, there it goes, all right.
Let's go jerk off...again.
It was my fault. I'm dumb.
I had a beautiful girlfriend, and I let her move to L.A.
Not, like, let her, but, like, you know, encouraged it,
which is fucking stupid,
'cause you're like, "No, it's gonna work.
Love always wins."
It doesn't.
I don't even think love makes the playoffs,
to be quite honest.
I think--fucking--
Love is in a rebuilding year this year.
Going for a high draft pick.
[laughter]
I moved her out there, like a fucking moron.
I helped her move out there.
You know in horror movies
where the teenagers are going, like, to the haunted cabin,
and then there's that old man who's like,
"I wouldn't go up that road.
"Family was murdered there about 20 years ago.
No one ever comes back."
And then the teenagers are like, "Fuck you, old man!"
And then they die, 'cause it's a horror film,
and not a porno.
[laughter]
I was helping my girlfriend move to L.A.,
and I rented a car for a week,
and as I'm renting the car,
the guy behind the desk was this old dude,
and he goes, "Man, those are big suitcases for a week."
I had two of her suitcases with me.
I was like, "Oh, these are-- these are my girlfriend's.
She's moving out here."
"You ain't moving with her?"
"No."
[whistles] "Lot of wolves, man."
I'm like, why would you say-- who the fuck are you?
Who says that to another man?
I can't go back east knowing wolf dick's getting thrown
at my girlfriend.
Why would you say that to me?
All that available, attractive dick in Los Angeles,
and you're making me feel bad about leaving?
That's what it was.
I was just too insecure to live across the country.
And that's what--you know, I didn't know what to do.
I asked the guy friend what I should have done.
That was the dumbest thing.
Should have asked the girlfriend.
I would have gotten nice, constructive advice.
I asked my guy friend.
His immediate response was,
"Just jerk off on Skype."
I was--what?
No. Why do--
why do I think she would want to watch that?
Just grainy footage of me and my awkward naked body
folded into a desk chair,
just like, "Do you miss any of this?"
And she's like, "No, not at all. I don't miss that at all."
Just video of awkward breathing pattern, like...
[panting]
"Just hold on, hold on, I'm almost there."
That's just an incredibly arrogant thing,
to think that my girlfriend would want to watch
three minutes of nothing but under-dick.
Under-dick.
Philadelphia, we're all adults.
We can all agree that under-dick is the worst part of the penis.
[laughter]
[laughs]
Dicks are like bridges.
You only want to see them from the sides and the tops.
[laughs]
[laughter and applause]
[laughs]
You see it, and you're like, that's an impressive structure.
Then you see it from the bottom, and you're like,
"Oh, God, it's all support beams."
[laughter]
That's a dick joke that only works in cities with bridges.
[laughter and applause]
Shit falls flat in Omaha, I tell you that.
[laughter]
Now I'm back to being single.
That's why I need that tank top confidence.
I smoke too much weed.
First off, comedians are not good at being single.
All right, we're too weird.
If there's a comic that's good at being single,
you're a fucking sociopath.
We're strange people.
Not only that, but as I said, I smoke a lot of pot,
so I'm always just scared and hungry all the time.
Like, if a girl wants to successfully hit on me,
she just has to slowly approach with a handful of trail mix.
[chittering]
Just slowly approach like, "Mm, all right."
Just like, "Ashley, he's eating out of your hand!"
Mmm.
[laughter]
[growls]
And now I'm single, and it's like, you know,
there's guys out there that are very, like,
"I'm ready to crush some pussy."
It's just...
No woman--women don't want that.
If I ever met a girl that was like,
"Destroy my vagina."
You should probably call your dad.
I think there's some deep issues bubbling under the surface.
I feel they're out of my pay grade.
That's what it is.
That's the horniness of America right now.
We're still number one.
America's number one...
at just being crazy horny.
We push sex onto people that have no business having sex.
Like, there's a commercial,
most of the guys have probably seen it.
If you watch ESPN,
it comes on after, like, the 18th "SportsCenter"
at 3:00 in the morning.
And it's this old man, probably 80, 85 years old,
talking to the camera.
And there's very somber music,
so immediately you're like, "Oh, mesothelioma, got it."
[laughter]
This dude used to probably chew on asbestos back in the '20s.
"That's when they called it bubblegum."
But this commercial, this old man,
he's, like, super sad, and he's talking like,
"And I have a condition called low-T,
for low testosterone."
And then they do a miracle wipe,
and the next picture is him, shirtless in jeans,
on the beach with a young woman,
and he's just fucking jacked.
He's, like, super muscular.
But he still has his old man face.
He's like, "I'm on testosterone replacement,
and my sex drive has never been higher."
They're putting our grandpas on steroids.
And no one is freaking out about this.
Everyone's losing their shit about A-Rod.
No one cares that our peepaws are on PEDs.
[laughs]
You're 80.
Maybe you're done fucking.
Maybe.
Maybe at that age you're supposed to be eating soup
and falling asleep in front of the television.
I don't want my grandpa
walking around the house with his shirt off
just like, "Where's that nana of yours?"
[laughter]
"Give her this early bird special."
Like, "You will not.
We are in the middle of a game of gin rummy."