INTERVIEW 9: My Fall and Standing Up
So, I saw process.
So therefore, what did I understand in that moment? That each one of us are process.
And that as it has been said in interviews as well, is that this world is being created by sex,
as what it currently is, through relationships.
If you have a look at the white orbs, the human beings were in first in relationships on these beds having sex -
in penetration in all different positions.
They were in relationships creating the world as it is through sex.
And when the human beings transformed into these white orbs, they actually become all and equal.
But expressing themselves individually together, but as one and equal.
And that's the becoming of each in the world.
So the problem of the world is sex and relationship.
Oh, I have had my share of experiences of those as well.
So in terms of me, seeing, and understanding, interpreting and being able to explain everything I'd seen inside the human beings,
especially those around me, even communicating interdimensionally--
that moment is also the moment when I started communicating interdimensionally,
when I saw the process and "God," as I experienced it as such at the moment, and understood it.
And I started seeing demons from a different perspective.
I even started seeing demons in human beings.
Wow. I saw them a lot.
I was quite-- I remember sometimes, you know when people come to your car and ask for money?
Occasionally, there were many demons inside them. sometimes three, four.
And I'd just take them all out. As I go and see demons inside people, I'd just take them out.
And when I saw the dark spots or colors on human beings or dimensional beings,
I'd immediately assist them.
And tell them what those dark spots are, explain to them where they come from,
so that they would be able to understand what they are doing to themselves and what are creating those dark spots.
And their essence and being is the white expression--
a "white light to white light" expression, (but it wasn't the White Light).
This lasted for a week. Only one week.
Because after a week, that's when I "fell," as I have said before.
Now this "falling" had happened because, as I have explained, people around me started becoming jealous
and angry and resentful because (their attitude became thus: "How dare this nineteen-year-old girl tell me all this stuff about me? I refuse this."
Of course, I had no one liking me at all.
Most everyone got angry because I basically spoke the truth, directly.
This is what it is, this is what you are doing to yourself, and of course no one, no people like hearing the truth, do they?
The honest, direct truth. Nope. They get angry.
I know that as well. So I fell.
Now, where would a person go that "falls" in "searches for themselves" again?
Because when I fell, I started becoming again:
I didn't love myself, I didn't appreciate myself, I got angry at myself,.
Everything that I had experienced as myself: my self-esteem, self - love,
self - honesty, directness, openness, vulnerability, everything just went pfffft! Gone.
And where did I go to look for all that?
In a relationship.
So I had one relationship, no...
two, three... since that time. Trying to "find myself" again.
Trying to feel loved. Trying to feel accepted.
But all of them fell. Went right back slap into my face. You know
the whole experience where that one guy was so handsome and et cetera, and you'd go *swoon* "My God,
yes! I'm going to have him" type thing, and you go him. And you get him.
And you have an experience, but for a short while. And then you fall.
As it was also the first time, of course, I experienced sex. When I was eighteen it was the first time.
No, Nineteen. Sorry. Nineteen years old. The first time.
And it's fascinating because most of the guys I had been with, I experienced like, them abusing me instead of realizing
that I was responsible for myself. My own self-abuse.
Because I was abusing myself and believing that I'm going to find this self-love and self-acceptance-- I'm going to find ME again
that I'd "lost," because I had fallen in a relationship.
And so my endeavor was finding a relationships.
So there was this... the last relationship that I was in, the one that I had to completely--
no, the one that I gave up. The one that I made a choice to give up.
To stand up as all as one.
Which then opened up the "key" to the ability to be able to get out of my body completely.
It was interesting, because in terms of society - relationship,
that would have been, what do you call... "perfect match" bullshit, you know?
And
then one day, we were also again together at this whole gathering together...
Now him and I were together about... a year or so? I think. Maybe less.
And one evening we were sitting together and I said to Bernard,
"Bernard,
what do I have to do to
get this world sorted out?
Or to get Heaven as Earth, here? "
And he said, "You have to give up and let go of everything.
Everything you value. Everything you have worth of.
To give up and let go of everything. Nothing must remain but you.
And you have to make that choice." He said "choice" you have to make.
And so I said to him, I said, "I'll do it. I'll do anything. Just tell me what to do, I will do anything."
And after we had that conversation (I can't remember the exact words,
it's about along the lines it went. I said literally I'll do anything.
Just tell me what to do. And he said, you know, make that choice. You have to make a choice.
What are you willing to give up and let go to stand up for all as one?
And then Eagle put his hands on my back,
one evening. And we're sitting in front of the fireplace,
and he put his hands on my back. And he just said, "Let go."
And I relaxed my body completely. I just fell.
I let go of everything. Because it felt like to me in that moment like I was trying to hold on to my world so much,
trying to control everything, trying to keep everything together,
and I was so tired. Tired. I felt like I really wanted to die.
Maybe I did, you know. I just -- in terms of that "letting go," it was me just dying.
Because I was tired.
And I just, as I just let go, it felt like ,
"I hope God doesn't exist." But it felt like being in "God's Hands."
The Grace of "God" in me as me, in His Hands. Just experiencing that.
Just for a moment, I went--- it became me. As the entirety of me as experienced as the Grace of "God."
My body disappeared, the room disappeared, everything disappeared.
All that I experienced was literally being held in and as "God's Hands."
And Bernard/Eagle looked me up and he asked, "How was that experience?" And I shared with him.
It was literally like being held in "God's Hands." With God as God. Into infinity.
And so I turned around and lying in front of the fireplace,
and I kind of looked inside my stomach.
And I said to Eagle, "There's a demon in my solar plexus."
And he said, "Okay. Bring the demon through."
Now, to me, I was like -- He said to me, "Bring the demons through."