Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here! You're watching. You made it.
Thank you for being here.
Well, guys, as the country
continues to deal with the pandemic,
the director of the CDC just said that she's aiming
to improve the agency's COVID messaging.
Yeah, then in her next interview,
she said the CDC is not aiming to improve their messaging.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, in the CDC's defense, it's hard to get any message out
when every ad on TV is for Caesars Sportsbook.
Yep, the CDC wants to communicate more clearly,
so going forward, their press releases
will no longer be in the Wingdings font.
Some more news. I read that Neil Gorsuch
is the only Supreme Court justice
who won't wear a mask to help protect his colleague,
Sonia Sotomayor, who has diabetes.
[ Audience boos ]
You know Gorsuch is the guy
who touches every bagel before picking one.
You know that? He's like...
You guys remember Neil Gorsuch.
He used to work for the law firm
Rogan, Hogan & Facebook.
Hey, I saw a news anchor in Mexico who looked like
he finally hit his breaking point
with people who won't get vaccinated.
Check this out.
-iUstedes! [Bleep]
[ Shouting Spanish ]
[Bleep]
[ Shouting Spanish ]
[Bleep]
[ Shouting Spanish ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Yo!
You know that's how Dr. Fauci feels on the inside.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, I heard that today former New York City mayor
Bill de Blasio announced that he is not running
for Governor of New York. He then --
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
He then waited over ten minutes for someone to say, "Aw."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, de Blasio won't run for governor.
He said he wants to spend more time at home
being booed by his family.
Did he really have to announce that?
I mean, he might as well have announced that he won't be
performing at the Super Bowl Halftime Show.
It's like, "Yeah, we know."
Some business news here. Apparently airlines
are dealing with the ongoing pilot shortage
by raising pay and lowering the requirements.
[ Laughter ]
Passengers said, "That's nice." And, "Wait. What?"
[ Laughter ]
This probably explains why my last pilot
was wearing a Petsmart uniform.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it's not very reassuring when your pilot is the same guy
who drove your Uber to the airport.
He's like, "Alright. Let's go. Here we go. Come on."
[ Laughter ]
Now instead of needing years of experience, pilots just
have to complete a CAPTCHA that proves that they're human.
Yeah, they'll hire anyone right now.
Here's the newest United pilot I saw.
-[ Shouting Spanish ]
[ Applause ]
-That's a bit much. -Geez.
-Well, speaking of flying, a man went viral on TikTok
when he shared his experience as the only passenger
on an eight-hour international flight.
Somehow we have a pilot and passenger shortage.
I don't know.
Of course, they wouldn't let him board until his zone was called.
"Group two."
"Sorry, sir.
You're group four.
Group two. One more time."
It's weird when the pilot's like,
"Uh, we will now be making our approach, Tom."
Hey, this is also going viral.
Someone posted a video of a FedEx driver
who didn't exactly deliver their package with care.
Watch this.
-Woman in audience: Oh, no.
[ Laughter ]
His boss called him and said, "Just a little more practice,
and you can do it without slowing down the truck."
Respect for that aim, though, huh?
-Yeah, that was good aim, man.
-Finally, a woman in Canada was driving on a frozen river
when the ice broke and her car started to sink.
And instead of panicking, she took a selfie.
Take a look.
Don't worry. When the river saw that it was a yellow Subaru,
it spit the car right back up.