-Thank you very much for watching "The Tonight Show,"
everybody. I appreciate it. I'm Jimmy Fallon.
Let's get to the news and jokes. Well, guys.
Bob Woodward has a new book coming out about the President,
and one story is making major headlines today.
It turns out Trump knew way back in early February
how bad the coronavirus was,
but he continued to downplay it to the American people.
And Woodward's got it all on tape
because Trump let him record their conversations.
Check this out. Here's Trump in mid-March.
Yeah. I remember Americans not panicking when they spent
thousands for a roll of toilet paper on eBay.
Seriously. You didn't want to create a panic?
For the last six months,
I've been opening doorknobs with my knees.
How could he downplay this?
He's treated the pandemic
like those flash-flood alerts on your phone.
Like, "Eh. I'm sure it's nothing.
Never heard this phone make that sound before, though."
Yeah, it's a catastrophic story for Trump
that threatens to end his presidency,
or, as he calls it, Wednesday.
These tapes are insane.
Here's Trump talking about the virus in early February.
Listen to this.
Up until then, Trump thought
"deadly stuff" was a brand of Oreos.
Meanwhile, Trump heard the recording and was like,
"I never met that guy. I don't know who he is."
Seriously, these tapes are really bad.
Trump's reelection prospects
are sinking faster than a boat at a MAGA rally.
I don't know. Maybe I'm being too critical.
Before I pass judgment, I should read the other
40 Trump books that came out this week.
And despite Trump saying as recently as last month
that kids are almost immune from the virus,
it turns out he knew that wasn't the truth
all the way back in March. Check out this clip.
I'd say at this point
the dude needs to give HIMSELF some hush money.
[ Laughter ]
Is he serious?
He knew all that and still fought for schools to reopen?
Even Vladimir Putin was like, "Not cool, dude. Not cool."
Now, despite what the numerous tell-all books say about him,
Trump received a pretty surprising nomination today.
-President Trump has been nominated
for the 2021 Nobel Peace Prize.
Here's how -- a far-right Norwegian lawmaker
is telling news outlets he submitted the President's name
to the committee for the President's work
on that agreement between Israel and the UAE.
[ Laughter ]
-In response, Trump was like,
"How do you say 'vote twice' in Norwegian?"
"Vottka-tuug."
Yeah, Trump thinks he's getting the Peace Prize
for uniting Americans and the coronavirus.
Meanwhile, Trump is focused on the upcoming election,
and last night, he delivered a campaign speech
in North Carolina. At one point,
he mentioned Kamala Harris,
and here's what he had to say about her.
-You know what? People don't like her.
Nobody likes her.
She could never be the first woman president.
She could never be. [ Crowd jeering ]
That would be an insult to our country.
-Mike Pence was like, "Hey, cool it, man.
Some of us has to debate her next month."
I wonder what Trump thinks is so insulting about Kamala Harris.
I feel like the answer is white in front of me.
[ Laughter ]
[ Rim shot ]
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Trump was like, "She's so unpopular,
her approval rating is barely 20 points higher than mine."
Later on in his speech, Trump mentioned something
he used to talk about all the time.
Check it out.
-And you know Mexico is paying for the wall,
just so you understand,
but we're going to charge them a small fee at the border.
You know, the toll booths. We have toll booths.
And we're gonna get all the money that we spent on the wall
will be coming back.
So, remember I used to say, "Who's going to pay for it?"
They'd say, "Mexico." That's right.
[ Laughter ]
-And then Trump announced a new branch of the military,
the Toll Booth Force.
They all would say -- They always would say that.
I would say, "Who's gonna --" They said, "Who's gonna pay?"
And they all would say.
That sounds like an interesting idea.
Our borders will be protected by a giant wall
and that little toll-booth arm that goes up and down.
No problem.
Here's some big entertainment news
that caught a lot of people by surprise. Listen to this.
-Season 20 of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians"
will be its last.
The show has run on E! for the past 14 years,
following Kim, Khloé, Kourtney, Kris, and the whole crew
as they went about their daily lives.
-Wow. It's a tough blow for fans
who will now only be able to keep up with the family
through Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, tabloids,
and the Internet.
Right now all the executives at the E! Network are like,
"So...how are we gonna fill 20 hours a day?"
Well, guys, as if these aren't scary enough times,
listen to what happened earlier today in New Jersey.
-The magnitude-3.1 earthquake reported in New Jersey.
According to the U.S. Geological Survey,
it was centered near East Freehold.
-That's right. There was an earthquake in New Jersey.
It was crazy. There were track suits thrown everywhere.
[ Laughter ]
The entire state looked like every TJ Maxx.
It was a pretty decent earthquake.
Scientists in Jersey gave it 3 out of 10 "Ohhhhh's!"
Well, here's some interesting news.
The U.S. Air Force is testing out a new kind of technology --
robot dogs.
Check this out.
[ Menacing music plays ]
♪♪
I hope the robot dogs work, otherwise, we're going to be
seeing a lot of Sarah McLachlan robot-dog commercials.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a man in Illinois
celebrated his 100th birthday in an exciting way.
Watch this.
-An Illinois man celebrating his 100th birthday
by breaking a wet and wild world record.
Bill Lambert became the world's oldest scuba diver
by taking a plunge in Pearl Lake.
He says his goal is to stay in shape
and break it again when he turns 101.
-Actually, it wasn't that hard for him.
He's been carrying around an oxygen tank for years.
[ Laughter ]
It was an unforgettable day for him...and also the deck hand
who had to help him into his wet suit.