-All right! All right. All right.
Okay. We're having a good time, you know?
We're having a good time.
I like to tell people we're having a good time, you know?
I don't like to ask.
A lot of comics come out here and they go,
"Are we having a good time?"
Not me. I can't risk it. You know what I mean?
I like to let you know. I am pumped to be here, though.
I travel around a lot.
I don't always get the best hotels.
I stay at a lot of hotels. They're not always the best.
I was in one recently, and nothing worked.
The elevator didn't work.
Finally got up to my room, and the Wi-Fi didn't work.
So I went back downstairs and I was like,
"Hey, the Wi-Fi doesn't work."
And he was like, "Yeah, it's a little shaky.
But the network name is RamadaInn1."
And that's when I realized why it was shaky,
because we weren't at a Ramada Inn.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hey, thank you.
I could see the Ramada Inn through the window.
He was like, "But it works real good down here in the lobby.
Why don't you just use it here in the lobby?"
And I'm like, "Well, obviously, you don't know
what I need Wi-Fi for."
You know what I mean? Okay, we're having a good time.
And -- let's not forget -- we're having a good time.
I was at one hotel, and they had a sign inside the room
that said, "Not responsible for stolen items."
So I took some stuff.
And, I mean, I'm like, "I'm not responsible either.
I don't even work here.
I've been needing a lamp with some plugs on it."
I'm tired of plugging my stuff into a wall at home, you know?
Get a lamp I can plug some stuff into.
It's tough to find a lamp with USB ports on it.
You know what I mean?
You find one, you take it. That's a rule.
I was at a casino hotel one time, and they had a sign
in there had a list of everything you could steal
and how much it cost, all right?
That way, if you want to steal it,
they'll just charge you right to your account,
I guess to keep you from stealing, right?
But they had an ironing board on there for like $20.
I was like, "That seems like a pretty good deal to me."
You know what I mean?
Like, I don't buy a lot of ironing boards, so I don't know,
but $20 seems cheap, right?
Plus, who's bold enough to steal an ironing board from a hotel?
Like, a towel, I get. You can put that into your bag.
But an ironing board? That's bold, right?
You're at checkout like, "Nah, I had this when I came in.
Yeah, it does look a lot like yours,
but I always carry an ironing board with me.
Good thing, 'cause there's not one in that room."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah.
We're having a good time.
And I don't even know how to iron, though, you know?
Like, I know how it works.
You know, like, you plug it into the lamp, and then...
Okay, we're having a good time.
I like to read bad-hotel reviews.
I read one recently.
This guy was like, "This hotel room was so disgusting.
There was bugs in the bed, blood in the carpet.
I felt like I was going to catch a disease.
And that continental breakfast was a joke."
I was like, "Dude, you stuck around for breakfast?
You got to get out of there, man."
You wouldn't do that at a friends house, you know?
You wouldn't be like, "Oh, it's too gross to sleep.
Let's check out the fridge."
You know what I mean? Okay. All right.
And I hate staying at people's houses, though.
I like a hotel.
You know, you have to follow people's rules at their houses.
You don't know what to expect.
You ever go to somebody's house and they got a dog
that's barking at you, growling at you?
And they go, "Ah, he won't bite."
It's like, "Why do you think that?"
"'Cause he's never done it before?
Well, maybe today is the day.
'Cause he looks like he wants to bite."
They're always like, "Well, he might lick you to death."
I'm like, "Death? Who said anything about dying?
I'm just worried about being bitten.
I don't even know why you brought up death."
I just think it's a weird idea, right?
'Cause the dog looks like it wants to bite you.
It's like you show up at somebody's house,
and there's some guy in there with a knife.
And he's just doing like this.
Huh?
They're like, "Ah, he won't stab you.
Uh, he might lick you to death.
Yeah, he'll settle down in a minute.
He's just not used to being around people."
All right. We're having a good time.
Thank you, guys. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-That is how you do it right there.
That is how you do it. Dusty Slay!
For more, go to dustyslay.com.