Hello I m Darren Magee and today s topic comes from, well, comes from a lot of different
questions. Questions around having been in a difficult toxic situation or relationship
with someone who, who has perhaps very strong narcissistic traits and behaviours. The questions
are normally along the lines of Why didn't I see it? Why did I ignore the red flags?
How did I end up with someone so toxic? Why did I believe them? and, Why did I stay for
so long? Well, first of all you have to remember that human beings don't like things that don't
make sense. We, we like to see cause and effect. We like to see patterns, we like to see reasons.
And we have this need to know what to do whenever we don't know what to do, and I think that's
why we often ruminate and over analyse things, things that can be particularly unpleasant,
frightening, and today I'm going to try to answer these questions around why? So if you
like this video, if you find it helpful please consider subscribing to my channel for future
updates on mental health related topics. But just as a reminder, this video is not a substitute
for support from a mental health professional, nor is it a tool to be used to diagnose someone.
Now if you're asking questions like that, the first thing to consider is that people
aren't clairvoyant. Hindsight only comes after the event. Experience, if you will, experience
is gained. And many narcissists that, also they're very accomplished actors. Many have
spent a lifetime learning how to gaslight, and to say the right thing, to pay attention
to people to learn what to say, what to do in order to reel people in it to get what
they want. But even when people do get to see those little indications, those little
signs that something just isn't right, what, what we refer to colloquially as red flags,
warning signs. There is still something that keeps them there that has kept them there
in a relationship that maybe just isn't healthy. And there can be a myriad of reasons why people
end up in these relationships and why they stay longer than perhaps they should. And
I could be talking about attachment styles, trauma bonding, co dependency, learnt behaviours.
I could be talking about transactional analysis and so on, but instead I'm going to try to
sum it up with what I think are they main reasons, and I'm going to focus on the first
reason in this video. The second one will look at in the next video. Today I'm going
to give an example of why, for want of a better way of putting it, why we allow people to
treat us the way they do, and I'm aware of how that might sound to someone, especially
someone who's been in or is maybe a still in a very difficult, unhealthy, toxic relationship.
But please bear with me. Okay now I'd like to begin with an example. Now the example
is a television programme I saw I think it might have been about 10 years ago. The first
10 minutes or so of this programme I thought wow that just nails it. So it's the story
of a woman who, she's from the UK and her daughter had left to travel America. She was
a student and she ended up joining a cult. Now the story begins with this lady arriving
at an airport in America and she s met by this guy. Now as soon as he meets her he's
rude, he's abrasive and off they go. They get into the car and off they go. When they're
in the car, he asked her Have you got the money? and she says, Yes I ve got the $20,000
as we agreed. he immediately comes back with, Well that's for today. That's only for today,
it's 20,000 per day plus expenses. And she's getting a bit agitated, a bit frightened she
says, Well that s all I have. I thought that was the fee. and he starts shouting at her,
he starts berating her, Do think what I do is cheap? you know, Do you really think your
daughter would have left to join a gang of lunatics, this cult? Whatever they are if
you weren't such a bad parent? And the woman's getting very distressed, he starts to cry.
She says I don't have anymore money. That's that's all our savings. And he's, he shouting
at her Well you just have to sell your house, cash your pension in cash your husband's pension
and the more he shouting at her the more she's crying, the more she's getting upset, the
more she s doing that, the more he's screaming at her to shut up. The more he screaming at
her to shut up, the more she's apologising for being upset. And this goes on for a good
few minutes until he pulls the car over to the side of the road and then he gently asks
her, he says. I've only known you a few minutes and in those few minutes you've allowed me
to be rude. You've allowed me to treat you like a door mat. You've allowed me to insult
you, your husband, your daughter. I told you you're going to have to sell your house and
so on. And you're sitting there thinking about how you're going to sell your house without
your husband knowing. And all this is within a few minutes. Now why would you do that?
And the woman is, of course she's very confused. She doesn't understand and, and then he points
out, he says, You think I can do something for you. You think I have something you need.
You think you need me and because of that you are prepared to allow me to treat you
anyway that I want. and the point he s trying to make to her is there's nothing wrong with
your daughter. Your daughter is just been lied to. She's joined a cult because they
have led her to believe that they have something she needs, something that she can't do without.
Now like I say that scene was only a few minutes long, but I thought wow that absolutely nails
it. The victim thinks the abuser has something they need, something they can't do without.
They can give them something that they don't have, that maybe money security, a home, family,
whatever it is. They can do something that the victim can't do. They can do it properly
because the victim will fail miserably. And some narcissistic people will even try to
create situations that has their victim dependant on them, maybe financially dependent on them.
Perhaps all the credit cards are in their name, but all the debt is in the victim s
name. So the victim needs them in order to be able to pay off the debt. The victim can
become isolated socially so they are maybe dependant on the narcissist, even if it's
just for company. Now, in many cases like that, although the promise or the capacity
to provide or give whatever it is, is there for the victim, more often than not it is
constantly withheld, or it is there at a very high price. The victim is led to believe perhaps
they haven't done enough to earn it. Their victim is maybe ungrateful for all those little
bread crumbs and titbits the narcissistic person gives them once in a while, but over
a period of time they keep on giving that person, that narcissistic person whatever
it is they want in the hope that maybe this time it will be better. Having said that,
even there are times when the victim is wise to the behaviour and to the situation, but
they may feeling trapped because of, say, financial concerns, or perhaps because there
are children involved. They may even continue to give them what they want in the hope that
they don't have to go through that rollercoaster of abuse, that, that emotional rollercoaster.
So back to the question I suppose of how and why. Well, remember, victims are often lied
too, especially at first, because think about it. If a toxic, horrible, nasty person showed
their true colours the first time somebody met them, you know what? Chances are there
wouldn't be a second date. People would probably have the assertiveness to communicate boundaries
or even just leave the situation and not to go back. They were often lied to, gaslit,
manipulated off the little piece at a time so that they don't really see it and going
back to the why didn't see the red flags? Remember, like I said earlier, none of us
are clairvoyant. They might not have been red flags at the time. It's only with hindsight
we recognised they were warning signs. So that's part one is how and why, I think anyway,
people end up and toxic, difficult relationships and stay longer than perhaps they should.
And I m going to be outlining another reason or two in the next video. In the meantime
if you have any comments please use the comment box below there have been some interesting
conversations starting around these videos. If you liked this video, if you found it helpful
please consider subscribing to my channel for future updates on mental health related
topics and until next time thanks for watching.[DFM1] [DFM1]Under stay longer than perhaps they
should, and I'm going to be outlining another reason or two in the next video, but in the
mean time, if you have any comments, please use the comment box below. There have been
some interesting conversations starting ar