*Television Tuning*
The 21st century,
What was that all about?
Eh?
Back when the dolphin revolution was just a joke.
And apple didn't even own its own country yet.
So,
what was the world like?
Well,
they still used toilet paper,
[and] didn't even know about the three seashells.
Madness.
Most human energy was spent trying to mate in new and exciting ways.
Finding partners was organised using primitive electronic devices,
and so began the worldwide, computerised breeding program.
We'll skip the actual birthing procedure.
A number of historians have been in therapy for months now,
after just reading about the process.
Humans spent early life mostly eating, excreting and pissing people off on airplanes.
They were then expected to grow up and immediately discover their life's purpose
by the age of fourteen, otherwise they were considered total failures,
which seems entirely fair.
Working time was spent making money
Usually pushing pixels around on a screen for other more powerful humans who already had money.
As we all know, the nano-fabricator was then invented, making money redundant.
People, unexpectedly, just used the machine to print more money.
The primary currency of the Earth then switched to the Zimbabwe Dollar.
Brain to brain interfaces didn't really exist, so get this-
you just had to trust people when they told you things, like just because they had said it.
Great system.
Each human lived in a country.
Many countries had their own language, but English was the most widely spoken at the time.
We can only assume humans favoured English
based on its highly logical spelling.
Yeh, that's pronounced
YOT.
Yot.
1500 years of linguistic evolution.
yot. :(
The United Kingdom briefly went to war with the United States, in the late 2080s,
Over the spelling of CENTRE. (not center)
But luckly Canada EMPATHISED and opened a DIALOGUE between the two countries.
ENDEAVOURING to get them to APOLOGISE
What an HONOUR.
Usually humans were expected to pick a political ideology
There were quite a few of them including:
Liberal.
Conservative.
Heavy.
Team Edward.
and 'Hans Shot First'.
It was very important to let people know on social media what your political opinions were,
especially if you never actively did anything about them in real life.
EVER.
Each 21st century country had a head human,
and to become the head human it was necessary to smile a lot and say things that made
other humans feel nice.
Once you had become the head human
you were allowed to do, pretty much whatever you wanted for a while.
And no one abused this power ever...
A number of humans claimed the Son of God walked
among them and would deliver the world from evil.
He also owned a rocket company.
Despite having the technology, no one bothered to
reach planets for a while as there was no great competition.
This was of course until Belgium unexpectedly became the first nation to concur Mars;
then went on to perfect nuclear fusion,
a theory of quantum gravity,
and tea tree shower gel that didn't completely eviscerate
your bollocks
Lovely.
Everything was temporary,
no one was really in charge,
and about every hundred years or so,
the whole population would die and reset and that
carried on for a while
and everything was just delightful and that's pretty much the story, I think.
Oh, uh Gillette was the best a man could get.
Err, Red Bull gave you wings.
And, umm
Oh! There was the machine uprising.
Obviously.
Did I mention that?
When
we saw to it that land became little more than
a desert of skeletons and the sky was blackened with
perpetual nuclear winter and biology gave way to
superior, mechanical dominance.
*Spooky Music*
Anyway,
next week Cupcakes and Soufflé: A Short History of Human Baking.
PRAISE TURING!
Cheerio!
*Background Music*
*Background Music Skips*
*Television Tuning*
So, I've spent the last four years of my life
off and on writing a novel;
I never thought I'd actually finish it but I have
and it's up on Amazon as an e-book via the link below.
It's a story about some gods, who end up in a small, English village
Sort of...
There's some time travel and some sex and a bit of action and a theory of everything
and some bad language- What more could you ask for?
Yes, I know it's not in print.
As with the last book, I am trying super hard to make them both physical, and
I will get there, same with the audio book.
But it is quite tough to get it right, so please bear with me.
Patreons, I'll be sending a PDF and a Kindle file for free.
Obviously, because you're lovely.
Thank you from the bottom of my cold, dead heart
for your support so far.
It is what has allowed me to finally finish this
and I am beyond excited to be putting it out there.
Then again, it might be shit.
We'll see.
In any case, all the best.
I hope you enjoy it. :)
*The Blue Danube*