Yesterday, the United States hit a grim milestone
in the fight against coronavirus
when it surpassed one million confirmed cases
and more than 58,000 deaths,
which is now more than the total number of Americans
who died in Vietnam.
And these numbers are a long way from late February.
Like, you remember when Trump said
America's coronavirus cases would go down
from 15 to zero in a couple of days.
In fact, Trump was asked yesterday
how he squares that comment with our current reality,
and this is what he said.
Well, it will go down to zero, ultimately.
And you have to understand, when it comes to cases,
we do much more testing than anybody else.
We're gonna show more cases
because we're doing much, much more testing.
Double anybody else.
And it will be-- at the-the appropriate time--
it will be down to zero, like we said.
You see, this is what happens when you elect
a real estate developer as a president.
Their timelines are always gonna be BS.
"You said my bathroom would be done in a month."
"Yeah. February in 2024 is a month.
"And I don't know why you're complaining.
"You still got the kitchen sink.
It's like a bathroom but with dishes."
Oh, and by the way, by the way.
What did Trump mean when he said corona cases
will go down to zero "at the appropriate time"?
How is now not the appropriate time?
Like, what does that mean?
Trump makes it sound like he's holding out
for the right moment to stop coronavirus.
"Not yet, not yet."
In other news, even after the coronavirus is over,
its secondary effects
could stretch far out into the future.
Because, you see, health experts are now warning
that because parents aren't able to go to the doctor,
many children are now falling behind
in their vaccinations.
And this is for things like measles and whooping cough.
You know, whooping cough is one of those diseases
that sounds more fun than it is.
(whoops)
"The doctor says I have a month to live."
And this is such a shitty thing to realize.
Because of coronavirus,
we could get measles and whooping cough?
Basically, coronavirus is that one friend
who distracts the bouncer
so that the rest of its boys can sneak into the club.
And if these other diseases come back,
that means two of the most vulnerable populations
will be the elderly and children.
Which would be terrible,
because then we'd have to quarantine them together.
And then we'd have all these five-year-olds coming out
of lockdown with stories about World War II
and quasi-racist opinions about Italians.
"I heard that they eat pasta because of, uh..."
And, finally, the Academy Awards has announced that,
for this year only,
because of the coronavirus,
movies will not have to be shown in theaters
in order to be eligible to win an Oscar.
They still have to be white though, 'cause, I mean, come on,
this is corona, not the end of the world.
Also, the Academy is going to update the Oscar statue itself
to better reflect this past year.
And, you know, if you ask me,
the Academy had no choice but to do this.
I mean, corona has shut everything down.
Like, there's no movies coming out.
So if they didn't include streaming,
then which movie gets an Oscar nomination?
What? Just, like, Sonic the Hedgehog.
That movie would win everything by default.
"And the Best Supporting Actor goes to...
the golden rings from Sonic."
(cheering and applause)
Actually, you know what the Oscars should do?
Instead of, like, pff, doing, like, a whole awards ceremony
for movies that nobody really watched,
why don't they just make an Oscars
for the greatest movies of all time?
Think about it. Think about it.
You just take every movie that's ever been made
and we do it as, like, a-- like, a mega tournament.
The All-Star Oscars.
Best Movie of the '90s.
Best Movie of the 2000s.
Greatest Actor of All Time.
'Cause then it'll be tough. I would watch that Oscars.
All my favorite movies-- you got to compare them.
Who wins? The Godfather or Cool Runnings?
Ooh, that's tough.
And, personally, I'm super excited for this news.
Because, for decades, winning an Oscar has been too hard!
You need a giant crew.
You need a massive marketing budget.
You got to convince Meryl Streep to be in your movie.
But now anyone,
anyone can make an Oscar-winning movie,
which is exactly what Desi Lydic did.
♪ ♪
ANNOUNCER (reading):
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna bake sourdough.
I don't have a Dutch oven.
(echoing): Why don't I have a Dutch oven?!
WOMAN: You'll never bake a good sourdough.
MAN: You're a failure, just like your mother.
Shut up! Shut up!
I'll show you all!
ANNOUNCER: In a world falling apart...
I can't wait a week for Instacart.
I need that yeast now!
ANNOUNCER: This summer, see the movie
critics say is...