- What do you want to hear a rap about?
- [Woman] Silverware!
- Silverware. Killing it, yeah!
(crowd laughs)
Can I just clarify?
Cause in England silverware is actual silver things, right?
And we call knives and forks cutlery.
Are you referring to knives and forks and spoons, right?
(woman laughs)
Yes, cool just to clarify.
(crowd laughs)
Silverware, but you know, the knives and forks thing.
So you guys over here, what do you want to rap about?
- [Woman 2] Titanic! - Titanic: do you want to pick
a specific aspect to Titanic?
Someone's about to help you over here.
They're like, "Oh, yeah (mumbles)".
- [Woman 3] Drownding!
- She said drownding, which is what someone
who is drowning would call drowning.
(crowd laughs)
Just, they don't have their own... "I'm drownding".
What'd you say?
- [Woman 4] The hot man dying.
- The hot man dying, yeah.
You know that wasn't a documentary, right?
That's a film.
Okay, so the hot man dying in Titanic by drownding.
(crowd laughs)
So handsome man drowning in Titanic,
that's pretty good, and silverware.
Back of the room. People right in the back.
Let's get something from you.
(crowd laughs)
You know you're quite far away from the stage, right?
So, you need to be loud.
(crowd laughs)
Have they all left? What's happened?
(people shouting) - [Man] Let's talk about sex!
- Don't just shout sex out of the dark.
When a man in a dark area of a room shouts sex,
everyone gets very worried.
(crowd laughs)
Oh, we should probably leave.
A crime is about to happen.
(crowd laughs)
No, that's boring. Something good.
(man shouting) Don't just add a "y" to it.
You just went sexy.
Wait, what did you say? Gummi bear?
- [Man 2] Gummi bear.
- Gummi bears. I'm going to add sexy to that.
Sexy gumiy bears. (crowd laughs)
Sexy gummy bears, the handsome man drownding
in Titanic, silverware.
This side of the middle of the room.
What do you want to rap about?
(woman coughing)
Just a real...just a cough perfectly timed.
(crowd laughs)
That lady's emphysema. (crowd laughs)
I said you can't say breakfast.
Breakfast's too obvious.
(man laughing)
- [Woman In Audience] Barney!
- Good ventriloquism, this side of the room.
(crowd laughs)
Barney, Barney, Barney the friendly Dinosaur?
Yeah, cool cool, and let's
get one final one from anywhere.
(crowd shouting)
- Wow, what is it? What, what?
- [Random Woman] Hamsters!
- Hamsters, that's an animal. That's forbidden.
- [Random Woman 2] Donut making!
- Donut making, thank you. (crowd laughing)
I feel like the hamsters was just kind of like,
rope-a-doping me, just pulling me in.
Hey, say something really simple
and then hit him with something
that no one has ever really thought about, ever.
Okay, so we have silverware, handsome man drownding
in the Titanic, sexy Gummi bears--
(Chris giggles)
Donut making and what was that other one that we had?
- [Random Woman 3] Barney!
- Barney, cool. How could we forget him?
This then, lovely people of the Comedy and Magic Club,
a little treat to close out the night.
A thing called a freestyle rap.
That is a rap made up on the spot based
entirely on those suggestions.
Never written down, never performed before,
never to be seen again and don't worry
it won't be as bad as you're expecting it to be.
(crowd laughs)
Thank you for laughing, person down here.
Just like, ha! Yeah, fat chance of that.
Now, let's do it. Let's drop that beat.
Let's have some fun. (crowd cheering)
(My Name by Malu playing)
Give me some more juice on that as well.
Yeah, it sounds tinny as hell.
Can we un-tin this?
(beat playing) Cool, sounds good.
Yeah, Kanye would do a soundcheck,
but I was too busy in traffic.
All right, I'm excited about this.
Here we go let's make up a rhyme now...
♪ Make up as I go I flow ♪
♪ Yeah I never plan it, see a handsome man drown ♪
♪ When they sink the Titanic ♪
♪ Used to have four funnels only three works ♪
♪ Went it hit the ocean floor they go berserk ♪
♪ White star line sinking to the bottom ♪
♪ Yeah Leo DiCaprio we forgot about him ♪
♪ He was floating but then no more R-I-P ♪
♪ But I know there was room on the door ♪
♪ Rose you should have let that guy on ♪
♪ All of the life boats they float on ♪
♪ Move away yeah be a stranger ♪
♪ Die in the deep like the Lusitania: another ship ♪
♪ That went down low ♪
♪ He was a very nice cheekbone fellow ♪
♪ So many guys died of thirst ♪
♪ Technically drownding went down first ♪
♪ Cause the children and the ladies on the boats ♪
♪ They survived everybody else ♪
♪ Sink no float ♪
♪ Even if you hold your breath it gets cold ♪
♪ And you drown, yeah, and you'll never get old ♪
♪ If you travel in the passenger class ♪
♪ That was so low, no paper wipe your ass ♪
♪ You're deep down there ♪
♪ Yeah they would harm you; I'll alarm ye ♪
♪ My favorite dinosaur's called Barney ♪
♪ He's the only one purple not pink ♪
♪ It's hurtful if you say that Barney's extinct ♪
♪ Cause he's not ♪
♪ TV he is on it ♪
♪ Only dinosaur not killed by a comet ♪
♪ When it came down and wiped them out ♪
♪ He was hiding around then he jumped out ♪
♪ And said everybody come play with me ♪
♪ I'm a dinosaur but I'm friendly ♪
♪ Hug that is the way that we share ♪
♪ Putting a dinosaur on air ♪
♪ All of the cable all the terrestrial ♪
♪ And if you come to my banqueting hall ♪
♪ You will see so much cutlery there ♪
♪ You will be like this silverware is amazing ♪
♪ Are these windows double glazing? ♪
♪ Eat your first course just start grazing ♪
♪ Don't be a stranger, don't go away ♪
♪ Pick up a small salad fork for the entrée ♪
♪ Then we're going to increase in size-r ♪
♪ Wait, which order is it ♪
♪ Is it appetizer ♪
♪ I don't even know, it's hard to talk ♪
♪ I'm going to talk about the dessert fork ♪
♪ Why is it so damn small mate ♪
♪ I want a big slice of this nice cheesecake ♪
♪ I'll get cutlery it's silver plated ♪
♪ Nah, you know it's solid silver, I gyrated ♪
♪ To earn all that stuff it was fun ♪
♪ I love it when candy gets stuck in my gums and I chew ♪
♪ It gets stuck right in my teeth ♪
♪ It's horrible, get my tongue chiseled beneath ♪
♪ Remove it yeah I gotta unplug there ♪
♪ Cause Gummi bears are full of sugar ♪
♪ In my mouth I try and set it free ♪
♪ These Gummi bears are so sexy ♪
♪ Looking kinda translucent and teeny ♪
♪ One Gummi bear rockin a bikini ♪
♪ Wow, it's in my mouth ♪
♪ But I never thought an Ursine candy arouses me ♪
♪ Anyway this is kinda funny ♪
♪ If a bear gave you a blow job, that would be a gummy ♪
♪ Get that, that's clever I say ♪
♪ Talk about that get a mad BJ ♪
♪ Next thing BJ say DH ♪
♪ That's a donut hole, let me tell you how I make this ♪
♪ Take all the pastry in my bakery ♪
♪ I take a lot of time, never do it hastily ♪
♪ When I make my donuts it's real hella good ♪
♪ I'm better than Prue Leith or Paul Hollywood ♪
♪ I get it, the dough ♪
♪ And then I just roll ♪
♪ Turn and connect it, make a little hole ♪
♪ Some people say you're mean to stamp it our with a cut ♪
♪ I'm like nah, I will not discuss my techniques for making ♪
♪ I put it in the oil, flip it over about 10 seconds ♪
♪ Make sure that it boils ♪
♪ Make sure your oil's running hot ♪
♪ Cook it in the fryer, don't cook it in a pot. ♪
♪ Cause you'll get a mad fire when the oil explodes ♪
♪ Yeah, let's give me lots of donut money, money ♪
♪ I am owed ♪
(crowd cheering)
- [Allan Havey] Chris Turner everybody.