YOU KNOW, FOLKS, LONG TIME VIEWERS OF MY SPACE KNOW
THAT I DON'T PLAY A POLITICAL PUNDIT ANY MORE
BUT AS AN ACKER I CAN STILL PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT THE
LATEST DEVELOPMENTS IN THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
WATCH THIS.
>> OH, MAINE STATE SENATOR AMY VOLK JUST ENDORSED CARLY
FIORINA I WILL DEFINITELY REMEMBER THAT NEXT WEEK.
BUT WITH ALL THE TALK ABOUT THIS RACE, IT'S EASY TO
FORGET THAT WE'RE STILL 14 MONTHS FROM ELECTION DAY.
WHICH MEANS WE'RE JUST NINE AREAS AWAY FROM THE END OF
THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, SIR.
IN FACT, A NEW CNN POLL SHOWS TRUMP IN FIRST PLACE
WITH 32%, MORE THAN HIS TWO CLOSEST RIVALS COMBINED.
HE'S NOW TOWERING SO HIGH IN THE POLLS HE TURNED HIS OWN
BAR GRAPH INTO LUXURY CONDOES.
(APPLAUSE) BUT WAS'S THE SECRET OF
TRUMP'S POPULARITY.
WELL, REPUBLICAN POLLSTER AND CHILD WHO WISHED TO BE A
GROWN-UP ON A CURSED CARNIVAL MACHINE FRACK LUNTZ
RECENTLY ASSEMBLED A 29 PERSON FOCUS GROUP OF TRUMP
SUPPORTERS TO TRY TO EXPLAIN THE PHENOMENON THAT IS
TRUMP.
HERE'S THE THING, NO MATTER WHAT TERRIBLE THINGS THEY
TOLD THE FOCUS GROUP TRUMP HAD EVER SAID OR DONE, AND
THEY DIDN'T PULL ANY PUNCHES, THEY JUST LIKED HIM MORE.
TRUMP'S ENTIRE APPEAL WAS SUMMED UP BY ONE PARTICIPANT
WHO EXPLAINED, WE KNOW HIS GOAL IS TO MAKE AMERICA
GREAT AGAIN.
IT'S ON HIS HAT.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S ON HIS HAT.
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH CUZ THAT'S HOW YOU CAN TELL WHO
PEOPLE REALLY ARE, THE HAT.
THAT'S WHY YOU KNOW THAT CREEPY GUY ON THE BEACH IS A
REAL FEMALE BODY INSPECTOR.
FOLKS, TRUMP'S HAT HAS BECOME A STAR IN ITS OWN
RIGHT IT HAS BECOME SO ICONIC THAT IN A RECENT
TRUMP FUND-RAISER, GUESTS WERE SERVED THE HAT IN CAKE
FORM.
IT WAS A VERY RICH DESSERT THAT KEPT INSISTING IT WAS
MUCH, MUCH RICHER THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE.
EAT MY HAT.
EAT IT.
EAT THE HAT.
SO I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ALL THE OTHER-- HELLO-- ALL
THE OTHER CANDIDATES.
SEE THIS GUY UP HERE, SEE THIS GUY, YOU, RIGHT THERE,
IN THE FRONT ROW, RIGHT THERE, OKAY, I WILL GIVE YOU
A $100 BILL RIGHT NOW IF YOU CAN TELL ME THAT MAN'S NAME.
NOBODY HELP HER.
(APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: I WOULD HAVE
TOLD THESE GUYS IF YOU WANT TO HAVE ANY HOPE OF EVER
CATCHING UP WITH DONE ALL TRUMP I'M STRONGY ADVISING
YOU TO EXPLAIN YOUR CAMPAIGN USING ONLY HEAD GEAR.
RICK PERRY, JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE FACING A FELONY
INDICTMENT FOR ABUSE OF OFFICE, THAT DOESN'T MEAN
YOU'RE OUT OF THE RACE.
CONVEY YOUR DEEP REGRET WITH A 10 GALLON HAT EMBLAZON WDZ
YOUR MOST FAMOUS QUOTE.
AND IF PEOPLE OUT THERE-- (APPLAUSE)
OR SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM, SHOW OFF YOUR SOUTHERN PRIDE
AND YOUR MIDDLE EAST POLICY WITH A FESTIVE BONNET THAT
SAYS, I DO DECLARE-- WAR ON IRAN.
AND I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT HILLARY CLINTON HAS A HAT
THAT COMPLETELY EXPLAINS HER E-MAIL SCANDAL,
UNFORTUNATELY, SHE ERASED IT.
(LAUGHTER) AND SOMEBODY PUSHED THE WONG
BUTTON, SHE DOESN'T, SHE DOESN'T DO THE DIGITAL
THING.
AND POLLING AT 0% IN THE REPUBLICAN NOMINATION,
FORMER VIRGINIA GOVERNOR JIM GILMORE.
I WOULD RECOMMEND JUST WEARING A HAT THAT SAYS I AM
JIM GILMORE.
CHIRS (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
SO CANDIDATES, TAKE MY ADVICE AND YOU TOO COULD
LOOK AS PRESIDENTIAL AS THIS GUY.