you know, we've spent the last eight months
sort of jokingly wondering what America would be like
if Donald Trump were actually president.
-You know, would it bring the apocalypse? -(laughter)
-Would the White House be covered in gold? -(laughter)
Would he change laws regarding press freedoms,
-or-- I don't know-- incest? Uh... -(laughter and groaning)
This weekend, I feel like we got a glimpse
of what America might be like under a Trump presidency.
And, uh, it was scary.
MAN:
after Trump cancelled his appearance in Chicago.
WOMAN 1:
Trump's protesters from his supporters.
WOMAN 2:
It is open to the public.
WOMAN 3:
who held up Bernie signs.
MAN:
the situation became so escalated
that there was the potential for danger.
Wow. You know it's bad when people in Chicago are, like,
"Man, what a violent weekend. This is too much.
-This is way too much." -(laughter)
And it was.
Friday night was shocking, you know. It hap...
Like, I happened to be at the gym when this all broke out.
And the conflict was so crazy
that nobody in the gym carried on doing what they were doing.
-Not even Muscular Mike. Like... -(laughter)
Yeah, I know, I know.
Everyone was just staring up at the TV screens
watching all the fighting.
You know, dudes were halfway through a dead lift,
just standing, holding their mouths open.
It was almost like one of those movies
where an asteroid is heading towards the earth,
and everyone is crowded around, watching the disaster unfold.
And, you know, Chicago may have been the epicenter,
but by the end of the weekend, the chaos was everywhere.
WOMAN:
MAN:
with pepper spray.
MAN 2:
WOMAN:
In Cleveland, a number of clashes.
Go back to Africa!
You were in Africa first. Go back to Africa.
Really?
Go back to Africa?
No, no, no. Now, look, if that was a TV critic
saying that to me, I understand. I understand.
(laughter)
But you can't just say "Go back to Africa"
to any black person you see in America.
Not every black person is from Afr...
-Oh, (bleep). Denise? -(laughter)
-Oh, wow, girl. -(applause and cheering)
Oh, I didn't know you were coming out here. Oh!
Oh, it's Denise.
Yeah, but you
People are missing you. Oh, wow!
(laughs) Wow.
Small world, small world.
Sorry. Where were we? Where were we?
Uh, Nazi salute, "go back to Africa."
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay, okay.
The Trump supporters. They have the Trump supporters.
Uh, you know, I have to say one thing
that didn't sit well with me
was how some of the Trump protestors did their thing.
WOMAN:
as supporters of Bernie Sanders.
One of the organizers told me
that they turned the place into a Bernie Sanders rally.
The Bernie Sanders supporters that I've talked to think
this was a huge victory for them.
Ah, yes, trust Bernie Sanders fans
to have an unrealistic view of what's actually happening.
(laughter)
-Sorry. Was that a Bern? Was that a Bern? -(laughter)
Look, I will say this.
It's great to see young protestors
so inspired by politics
that they're no longer just hashtagging their feelings,
but actually getting off the couch and getting involved.
But at the same time, you've got to be careful.
You know, because the narrative Trump tells his sympathizers is
that they're under attack.
You know, that the nefarious, politically-correct,
left liberal force wants to silence them.
So if you come in, and you actually try to silence them,
it's like trying to put a fire out by putting wood on to it.
You've given Trump the villain
that, up until now, he was making up.
And you're probably saying, "What villain, Trevor?
"We're just a bunch of progressive college students
"of various ethnicities
and, like, religions and gender identities."
-(laughter) -Exactly.
You are the villain he's talking about.
(laughter)
And here's how you know
that you're doing exactly what Trump wants.
It's in his script.
Go home to Mommy.
Go to tuck you in bed.
Get 'em out of here! Get 'em out!
-Get 'em out of here! -(applause and cheering)
Can I be honest with you? It adds to the flavor.
-It really does. -(applause and cheering)
Makes it more exciting.
I mean, is isn't this better
than listening to a long, boring speech?
-Really? -(audience groaning)
"Isn't this better than list...?"
Yeah, yeah, it is better
than listening to a long, boring speech,
unless your plan was to go and watch a
Then, getting punched in the face
sort of throws your day off. Yeah, that is what that does.
"What happened to you?" "I was watching a speech."
-(laughter) -Here's the truth.
Donald Trump didn't just create an atmosphere
for violence at his rallies.
He basically engineered it as carefully and deliberately
as Matt Damon did when he was growing potatoes on Mars.
There are no consequences to protesting anymore.
There used to be consequences.
I love the old days.
You know what they used to do to guys like that
when they were in a place like this?
They'd be carried out on a stretcher, folks.
Am I allowed to rip that whistle out of the mouth?
I'd rip that whist...
Well, if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato,
knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously.
He's walking out, like big high fives, smiling, laughing.
Like to punch him in the face, I'll tell you.
Part of the problem is
nobody wants to hurt each other anymore.
-Are you f...?! -(audience groaning)
(Noah sighs)
-(bleep) -(laughter)
Part of the problem is
nobody wants to hurt each other anymore?
Are you (bleep) me? That's not a problem.
That's civilization.
Now I'm afraid to know how Trump views flush toilets
and-- oh, God, we're back at incest again.
I don't even know... and I don't even know how we get here.
Because basically, Donald Trump is saying
he just wants his rallies to be like hockey games, you know?
Nobody knows the rules, and most of the fans are white,
and fighting is definitely allowed.
Which is weird, given how Trump has described himself
so often in the past.
I'm a peace-loving person, folks.
Well, you know, I'm somebody that is a thinker.
I'm a big thinker.
We love peace. We all love peace.
Of course Trump loves peace.
Yeah, Trump
He couldn't hurt a fly.
Not with those tiny little elf hands.
(laughter)
(applause)
(whooping)
Who knew?
Who knew Donald Trump was such a hippie?
I guess that's why he never cuts his hair
and drops acid before every speech.
He must be high-- those speeches can't be a sober thing. Come on.
Like, how does anyone believe this crap?
On one hand, he's saying, "I'm an upstanding citizen
who hates violence."
On the other hand, he's rolling up his sleeves,
bellowing about tearing down the system to a pack of followers
who love getting into fistfights.
Like, who is this guy?
Like, this guy doesn't want to be president--
he wants to be Tyler Durden
from
That's exactly what's happening.
Donald Trump is basically running political Fight Club.
And he even knows the first rule of Fight Club.
There's no violence. There's a love fest.
These are love fests.
You do
And I thought I was just imagining
Trump's split personality-- until, until...
an actual medical expert-- of the brain, no less--
gave us his diagnosis last Friday
during his medical endorsement.
I've come to... to know, uh, Donald Trump...
There are two different Donald Trumps.
There's the one you see on the stage,
and there's the one who's very... uh, cerebral,
sits there and considers things very carefully.
You can have a very good conversation with him.
-(like Carson): Y-Yeah. -(laughter)
Uh... just like there are...
two Ben Carsons.
The Ben... who is...
wild and crazy...
and the one that you never get to see.
(laughter)
Hoo, ha, hoo, ha, ha.
(laughter)
-(applause) -I'm so glad he's back.
(whooping, cheering, whistling)
You know... in any other world,
in any other campaign,
having two faces as a charge,
the accused would deny, because they know
it would immediately disqualify them
from running for the highest office in the land.
So, Donald Trump... do you agree with Ben Carson?
I probably do agree-- I think there are two Donald Trumps.
(like Trump): Yeah. And believe me,
there's no problem with either of them's penis.
(laughter)
So even Trump says that there are two Trumps.
But the question is, what does the other Trump say?
I don't think there are two Donald Trumps.
I think there's one Donald Trump.
(laughter)
(applause, whooping)
You know, uh, we laugh, but it's still more likely
that there's only one Donald Trump,
who's just a cynical, manipulating man.
You know, manipulating his followers
and his enemies and the media
without any concern for what he's doing to the country.
That's possible. That's probably the truth.
But I do hope, I do hope that there are two Donald Trumps,
because that way he could go (bleep) himself.