>> Stephen: SO ONE OF THE GREATEST TV SONGS OF ALL TIME,
YOU IS THE YOU KNOW WHO IS COMING IN ON THE BACKGROUND.
>> THE JACKSON FIVE.
>> Jon: THE JACKSON FIVE SINGING DO DO WAP.
>> IT SAYS JACKSON FIVE SING IT WITH ME NOW.
>> Jon: IT'S AMAZING AM I THINK YOUR VERSION IS BETTER.
DON'T TELL STEVIE.
TONIGHT WE HAVE TWO WONDERFUL GUESTS, A GREAT COME ED YEN,
WANDAR SYKES IS HERE TONIGHT AND HE IS THE POLLSTER-- PULITZER
PRIZE WINNING NEW YORKER WRITER RONAN FARROW IS HERE TONIGHT.
IS THAT A YOU CAN PULITZER PRIZE SOMETHING.
IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF
OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, CAREFULLY POURING THE DAY'S
HOTTEST STORIES OVER THE PAINSTAKINGLY GROUND FRESHEST
TAKES TO CRAFT FOR YOU THE FINEST STONEWARE MUG OF RICH
SULAWESI TARAJA COFFEE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I COME-TO CURLED UP IN A RECYCLING BIN IN A HOT
TOPIC BREAK ROOM, GATHER SOME HALF EMPTIES, AND MIX THEIR
REMNANTS IN A PLASTIC SKULL TO CREATE THE RADIOACTIVE MOUNTAIN
DEW EXTREME SLUDGE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
TSA RSJA.
MEANWHILE, TRAFFIC WAS SNARLED LAST WEEK WHEN A TRACTOR-TRAILER
HAULING CHEESE CAUGHT FIRE IN NORTHEAST OHIO.
EMERGENCY CREWS WERE IMMEDIATELY DEPLOYED WITH BREAD CHUNKS AND
FONDUE FORKS.
AUTHORITIES SAY THE SITUATION IS STABLE AND DELICIOUS.
MEANWHILE, IN ORDER TO EXPOSE SECURITY FLAWS, A RESEARCHER
HACKED INTO THE BACKEND OF 'JACUZZI BRAND' SMART HOT TUBS.
THOUGH FOR THE RECORD, HACKING INTO THE BACK END HAPPENS A LOT
IN HOT TUBS.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
MEANWHILE, A NEW HAMPSHIRE DISTILLERY IS TURNING INVASIVE
CRABS INTO WHISKEY.
MUCH BETTER THAN THE USUAL PROCESS: TURNING WHISKEY INTO
INVASIVE CRABS.
THE COMPANY SAID IT TEAMED UP WITH THE UNIVERSITY OF NEW
HAMPSHIRE'S N-H GREEN CRAB PROJECT TO DEVELOP THE WHISKEY,
WHICH IS BILLED AS BEING MADE WITH A BOURBON BASE STEEPED WITH
A CUSTOM CRAB, CORN, AND SPICE BLEND MIXTURE.
RESULTING IN A NEW TECHNOLOGY CALLED SOUP.
MEANWHILE, IN NOODLE NEWS: KRAFT MACARONI AND CHEESE IS CHANGING
ITS NAME AFTER 85 YEARS.
WHICH IS ALSO HOW LONG THAT BOX OF IT HAS BEEN SITTING IN YOUR
GRANDMA'S PANTRY.
"IT'S STILL PERFECTLY GOOD, DEAR."
THERE'S NO EXPIRATION DATE ON 'ORANGE.'
SO WHAT'S THE NEW NAME?
WELL, SAY GOODBYE TO KRAFT MACARONI AND CHEESE AND SAY
HELLO TO -- DRUMROLL PLEASE -- ( DRUMROLL )
KRAFT MAC & CHEESE.
ACCORDING TO KRAFT, THE NEW MONIKER IS MEANT TO REFLECT THE
WAY FANS ORGANICALLY TALK ABOUT THE BRAND.
YES, THEY WANTED TO REFLECT THE WAY FANS SEE THEIR BRAND.
WHICH IS WHY THEY ALMOST CHANGED THE NAME TO:
KRAFT MACARONI AND CLINICAL DEPRESSION.
(APPLAUSE) MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO NEW
RESEARCH, THE MITES THAT LIVE AND BREED ON YOUR FACE HAVE
ANUSES.
WHAT'S UP, SCIENCE?
ARE YOU JUST THROWING MAGNETIC TERROR POETRY AT A FRIDGE NOW?
OH LOOK, HERE'S A NEW RESEARCH PAPER: THE SPIDERS THAT LAY EGGS
IN YOUR MOUTH WHILE YOU SLEEP ARE ALSO SCIENTOLOGISTS.
RESEARCHERS SEQUENCED THE GENOME OF THE COMMON SKIN MITE BECAUSE
IT'S NOT THAT WELL UNDERSTOOD: SOME RESEARCHERS HAVE ARGUED,
FOR INSTANCE, THAT THESE MITES LACK AN ANUS, BUT THE
RESEARCHERS BEHIND THE NEW STUDY SAY THEY'VE CONFIRMED THAT MITES
DO INDEED HAVE AN ANUS.
ONCE AGAIN, SCIENCE: THE CURE FOR CANCER.
WE THERE YET?
NO?
THEN MAYBE WE BACK-BURNER THE WHOLE DO MITES HAVE AN ANUS
THING.
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW I HAVE MITES ON MY FACE.
MEANWHILE, MY VIEWERS NORTH OF THE BORDER ARE IN FOR A, I'M
GONNA SAY TREAT?
BECAUSE IN CANADA, FRENCH'S JUST UNVEILED A KETCHUP-FLAVORED
POPSICLE CALLED THE FRENCH-SICLE.
AND AFTER YOU FINISH THE KETCHUP FLAVORED POPSICLE, THE POPSICLE
STICKS HAVE FUN SAYINGS ON THEM LIKE, "ARE YOU OKAY?"
SPEAKING OF CONDIMENTS, CLIMATE CHANGE AND PRICE HIKES ARE
HITTING DIJON MUSTARD.
NOW REMEMBER, IF IT'S NOT MADE IN THE DIJON REGION OF FRANCE,
IT'S ONLY SPARKLING BROWN SPREAD.
HOTTER TEMPERATURES LEADS TO MORE INSECTS, MORE INSECTS LEADS
TO POOR SEED HARVESTS, AND POOR SEED HARVESTS LEADS TO EMPTY
SHELVES AT SUPERMARKETS.
WHO NEEDS YOUR FANCY CONDIMENTS AS A PROUD AMERICAN I'LL ONLY
EAT MUSTARD IF IT'S A LEVEL OF YELLOW THAT CAN ONLY BE
DESCRIBED AS EMERGENCY FLARE.
AND THE SEED SHORTAGE IS SEVERE.
FOR EXAMPLE, IN BURGUNDY, SEED PRODUCTION HAS FALLEN FROM
12,000 TONS THREE OR FOUR YEARS AGO TO 4,000 TONS LAST YEAR,
LEADING MANUFACTURERS TO PREDICT THOSE WHO WANT THE HIGH-END
MUSTARD WILL HAVE TO PAY MORE, IT'S TRUE.
PRICES ARE SO HIGH, WE ACTUALLY HAVE FOOTAGE OF A BLACK MARKET
MUSTARD DEAL GOING DOWN.
>> GIMME THE [ BLEEP ] GREY POUPON!
>> PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!
>> GREY POUPON, RIDE THE BROWN PONY!
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH WANDA SYKES.