>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO A LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
BUC, YEAH!
THAT'S FINE.
BUT MAYBE DON'T PUSH IT.
OKAY.
FOLKS, LAST NIGHT WE WERE ALL WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL.
YOU KNOW WHO WON, MY HALF COOKED CHOCOLATE SOUFFLE.
IF YOU'VE NEVER DONE A SOUFFLE, IT'S BASICALLY JUST EGGS.
ONE MINUTE MAKES A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LUSH LAVA CENTER AND A
NERF.
I MADE A NERF CAKE.
BUT IN LARGER SENSE, LAST NIGHT, NO MALL AT THIS WON.
I'M NOT SAYING THINGS ARE ALL NORMAL NOW JUST BECAUSE THERE
WAS A SUPER BOWL, BUT THERE WAS SOME NORMAL MIXED IN WITH OUR
WEIRD!
TOM BRADY WON: NORMAL!
FOR TAMPA BAY: THAT'S WEIRD.
THERE WERE 25,000 FANS IN THE SEATS: NORMAL.
THERE WERE 30,000 CARDBOARD CUTOUTS IN THE SEATS: THAT'S
WEIRD.
THE WEEKND PERFORMED A HALF-TIME SHOW: NORMAL!
HE GOT STUCK INSIDE A TOASTER OVEN: WEIRD!
OUR EMOTIONS WERE MANIPULATED BY AMERICA'S COMMERCIAL-INDUSTRIAL
COMPLEX: NORMAL!
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN WAS IN A JEEP COMMERCIAL: THAT'S UNUSUAL.
HE WAS IN KANSAS IN THE WINTER IN A JEEP WITH THE TOP DOWN.
THAT IS WEIRD, BRUCE!
YOU'RE 71, YOU CAN'T TAKE A 10TH AVENUE FREEZE-OUT
AT YOUR AGE!
I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT!
LISTEN TO THE TONE OF MY VOICE, HOW PANICKED I AM!
THIS IS NOT ACTING, THIS IS JUST HOW I TALK NOW!
( SCREECHING ) ONE THING, DOC SAYS I SHOULD
DRINK DECAF.
I'M GETTING A NEW DOC.
ONE THING THAT WAS NOT NORMAL BUT WAS BEAUTIFUL, WAS THE
PRE-GAME PERFORMANCE FROM THE BREAKOUT STAR OF JOE BIDEN'S
INAUGURATION, POET AMANDA GORMAN, WHO RECITED AN
ORIGINAL POEM.
IT WAS THE MOST EXCITING PRE-GAME POETRY RECITAL SINCE
ROBERT FROST KICKED OFF THE ACTION AT SUPER BOWL 1.
>> WHOSE WOODS THESE ARE I THINK I KNOW.
HIS HOUSE IS IN THE VILLA-- OH!
>> Stephen: I THINK HE VAPORIZED HIM.
JUST BONE AND DANDRUFF!
WHILE THE TEAMS DID THEIR BEST TO MAKE THE GAME ITSELF
SAFE-ISH, THE AFTERPARTY ON THE STREETS OF TAMPA WAS A DIFFERENT
STORY.
BECAUSE FOLLOWING THE BUCS' BLOWOUT VICTORY, HORDES OF
MASKLESS FANS PARTIED HEARTY, IN A DISPLAY THAT CAN ONLY BE
DESCRIBED AS "FLORIDA."
BECAUSE THE PANDEMIC STILL RAGES ACROSS THE NATION.
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "CATCH A
THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."
♪♪♪ ♪ OVER THE RIVER AND THROUGH THE
WOODS TO GRANDMOTHER'S LUNGS WE GO ♪
DON'T WANNA BE LATE.
SHE MIGHT VACCINATE.
I GOTTA GET INTO HER NOSE!
( LAUGHTER ) WAIT.
I HIT HIM THE FIRST SHOT?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THIS IS -- I CAN THINK OF VERY FEW THINGS THAT
ARE LESS COVID SAFE -- ( SNEEZING )
THAN A BLOW DART!
THIS IS FANTASTIC.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: IT IS!
PEOPLE ARE FINALLY GETTING VACCINATED, BUT IT'S
STILL A RACE AGAINST THE CLOCK, BECAUSE A NEW COVID VARIANT
FIRST FOUND IN BRITAIN IS NOW SPREADING RAPIDLY IN THE
U.S.
IT'S THE BIGGEST HEALTH HAZARD SINCE THE 1960'S BRITISH
INVASION OF CHAD AND CHLAMYDIA HERMAN'S HERPES.
RESEARCHERS BELIEVE THE NEW STRAIN GOT HERE THANKS TO PEOPLE
TRAVELING FROM BRITAIN ON THANKSGIVING.
YES, TRAVELERS FROM BRITAIN BROUGHT CATASTROPHIC DISEASES TO
AMERICA IN LATE MOVEMENT LIKE THE FIRST THANKSGIVING.
BUT THERE IS SOME PROMISING PANDEMIC NEWS.
LAST WEEK, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER,THE NUMBER OF COVID-19
VACCINES GIVEN OUT OUTNUMBERED NEW COVID CASES 10 TO 1.
YES!
WE'RE SO CLOSE TO THE END OF THE PANDEMIC, I CAN ALMOST TASTE
THOSE DOORKNOBS I'M GOING TO LICK!
THAT'S NOT ALL THE GOOD NEWS.
VACCINE DISTRIBUTION IS LOOKING SO PROMISING THAT PRESIDENT
BIDEN IS UPPING HIS "100 MILLION VACCINATIONS IN HIS FIRST 100
DAYS" GOAL TO 150 MILLION, AN INCREASE OF 50%.
AND TO CELEBRATE, HE'S ALSO UPPING HIS ICE CREAM DOSAGE BY
50%.
ONE REASON FOR BIDEN'S OPTIMISM IS THAT LAST WEEK, JOHNSON AND
JOHNSON APPLIED FOR EMERGENCY APPROVAL OF WHAT WOULD BE THE
WORLD' FIRST ONE-SHOT CORONAVIRUS VACCINE.
THEY'VE ALREADY GOT A SLOGAN AND SPOKESMAN READY FOR IT.
>> AT JOHNSON AND JOHNSON, WE REC NICE THAT IS --
♪ YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT ♪ ♪ DO NOT MISS YOUR CHANCE TO
BLOW ♪ ♪ THIS OPPORTUNITY COMES ONCE IN
A LIFETIME.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, DR. SHADY.
AT THIS POINT, FIVE SEPARATE VACCINES HAVE GONE THROUGH
PUBLIC TRIALS, WITH EXCITING RESULTS: OF THE ROUGHLY 75,000
PEOPLE WHO HAVE RECEIVED ONE OF THE FIVE IN A RESEARCH TRIAL
NOT A SINGLE PERSON HAS DIED FROM COVID.
75,000 SHOTS AND NO DEATHS?
THOSE ARE "STORMTROOPERS SHOOTING AT LUKE SKYWALKER"
NUMBERS.
NOW THAT MULTIPLE VACCINES ARE ON THE MARKET, BRITISH
RESEARCHERS HAVE STARTED EXPERIMENTING, MIXING DOSES OF
THE PFIZER AND ASTRAZENECA SHOTS IN A WORLD FIRST.
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING HOW TO MIX THEM, JUST REMEMBER:
"ASTRAZENECA BEFORE PFIZER GREAT APPETIZER.
PFIZER BEFORE ASTRAZENECA INJECT IT AGAIN-ECA."
SPEAKING OF ONGOING PLAGUES, TODAY WAS DAY ONE OF THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.
I'LL CATCH YOU UP IN TONIGHT'S DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO
FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS.
>> WE HAD AN ELECTION THAT WAS STOLEN FROM US.
IT WAS A LANDSLIDE ELECTION EVERYONE KNOWS IT, ESPECIALLY
THE OTHER SIDE.
I'M IN VERY, VERY BAD SHAPE.
THOSE LEGS HAVE GOTTEN VERY THIN.
>> STEPHEN: THE ACTUAL ARGUMENTS DON'T START UNTIL TOMORROW.
TODAY, THE SENATE TALKED ABOUT THE FIRST STEP OF THE TRIAL: ITS
RULES.
SO FAR, THEY'VE AGREED TO NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS SUBMITTED THEIR BRIEFS EARLIER
TODAY, LAYING OUT THEIR ARGUMENT THAT THE GUY DIDN'T DO THE THING
WE ALL SAW HIM DO.
THEY CLAIM HE USED THE WORD "FIGHT" A LITTLE MORE THAN A
HANDFUL OF TIMES AND EACH TIME IN THE FIGURATIVE SENSE.
BUT ACTUALLY, HE USED THE WORDS "FIGHT" OR "FIGHTING" AT LEAST
20 TIMES.
THAT'S FOUR HANDFULS!
PROBABLY MORE WITH THOSE TINY HANDS.
REMEMBER WHEN WE JUST MADE FUN OF HIS LITTLE HANDS INSTEAD
OF HIS ATTEMPTS TO DESTROY DEMOCRACY?
I MISS NONE OF THAT.
AND IF YOU THOUGHT THERE'S NO WAY FOR A LEGAL DOCUMENT TO BE
CATTY, GET OUT A SAUCER OF MILK BECAUSE YOU ARE WRONG.
IN THE FILING, IT REFERS TO PRESIDENT BIDEN MERELY AS
"FORMER VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN."
OKAY, IF HE'S GOING TO REFER TO BIDEN AS "FORMER VICE
PRESIDENT," I'M GOING TO REFER TO HIM AS "FORMER GRIMACE
CO-STAR."
WHAT A WEIRD, BRIGHTLY-COLORED FAST-FOOD ADVERTISEMENT.
ALSO, GRIMACE!
LAST WEEK, WE HAD SOME FUN WHEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS
SUBMITTED A DOCUMENT WITH A GLARING TYPO.
AND THEY'RE NOTHING IF NOT CONSISTENTLY STUPID, BECAUSE
THIS NEW DOCUMENT MAKES THE EXACT SAME ERROR, SAYING: THAT
THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH WAS NOT AN ATTEMPT TO "OVERTHROW THE
UNITES STATES GOVERNMENT."
OF COURSE, IT ISN'T THE "UNITES" STATES.
WHAT IS IT AGAIN?
>> UNITED SHHSTUHH.
>> STEPHEN: YESH.
DESPITE BEING IMPEACHED, THE FORMER MAILORDER MEAT SALESMAN
IS DOING GREAT.
ACCORDING TO FORMER CAMPAIGN ADVISER AND ELF TELLING HERMEY
HE CAN'T BE A DENTIST, JASON MILLER.
MILLER CLAIMS THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS HAPPIER NOW THAT
HE'S OFF SOCIAL MEDIA.
WOW.
THAT MAKES SEVEN BILLION OF US.
THE ONLY THING THAT COULD HAVE UNITED THE WORLD IN JOY MORE
THAN HIS TWITTER BAN WOULD'VE BEEN "BABY YODA PRESENTS: THE
DEEP-FRIED VACCINE ORGASM."
FEATURING UNLIKELY ANIMAL FRIENDSHIPS.
YES, HE'S 50.
IT'S OKAY.
MILLER EXPLAINED, "HE'S SAID THAT NOT BEING ON SOCIAL MEDIA,
AND NOT BEING SUBJECT TO THE HATEFUL ECHO CHAMBER THAT SOCIAL
MEDIA TOO FREQUENTLY BECOMES, HAS ACTUALLY BEEN GOOD."
OKAY.
THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE LIKE YOUR EX'S BEST FRIEND CLAIMING HE'S
HAPPIER WITHOUT YOU.
"OH, YEAH, TONY'S DOING GREAT.
HE'S LOST THE WEIGHT.
WORKING OUT MORE.
YEAH.
HE'S DATING THIS HOT MODEL, WHO HE WOULD NEVER DUMP FOR YOU EVEN
IF YOU WANTED HIM BACK, UNLESS YOU WANTED HIM BACK.
DO YOU WANT HIM BACK?
NO?
GOOD, 'CUZ HE'S GREAT!" IS THAT WHAT HE SAYS?
KNOTTING?
OKAY.
MILLER ADDS THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S NEW FOUND
CONTENTMENT IS SOMETHING THE FIRST LADY HAS BACKED UP AS
WELL.
SHE HAS SAID SHE LOVES IT.
WELL, SURE.
IT'S THE ONLY PROGRESS SHE'S EVER MADE IN HER CAMPAIGN
AGAINST CYBERBULLYING.
TURNS OUT "BE BEST" SHOULD HAVE JUST BEEN "BE BANNED."
AND IT'S NOT JUST GETTING OFF SOCIAL MEDIA.
MILLER CLAIMS THAT THE FAILED CASINO OWNER IS HAPPY TO BE FREE
OF THE BURDENS OF THE OFFICE EXPLAINING THAT RETIREMENT IS
"THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS THAT I SAW THE PRESIDENT TRULY
RELAXED."
YES, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOUR YEARS, HE'S FREE OF ALL THE
PRESSING DECISIONS THAT KEPT HIM UP AT NIGHT: HANNITY OR DOBBS,
2-IRON OR DRIVER, CHICKEN BUCKET OR TACO BOWL.
CHICKEN BOWL TACO BUCKET?
SO MANY OPTIONS.
BUT IF HE'S THIS RELAXED BY THREE WEEKS OUT OF OFFICE,
IMAGINE HOW SERENE HE WOULD BE IF HE COULD NEVER HOLD OFFICE
AGAIN.
SENATE REPUBLICANS, THINK OF HIS HAPPINESS.
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALREADY BEING PUNISHED FOR THEIR ROLE IN THE
ASSAULT ON THE CAPITOL.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST DETAILS IN TONIGHT'S SEDITIONIST
ROUND-UP ROUNDUP.
>> SAY, CLEM, GUANTANA, MOO!
>> Stephen: THE LATEST TO BE ARRESTED BY THE
F.B.I. IS CAPITOL RIOTER AND MAN WITH A REFRESHINGLY HONEST
TINDER PROFILE PIC, SAM FISCHER.
WHEN HE'S NOT TRYING TO OVERTHROW DEMOCRACY, FISCHER IS
A SELF-STYLED MANHATTAN DATING COACH WHO GOES BY THE NAME "BRAD
HOLIDAY."
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU GET YOUR DATING COACH NAME: YOU CHOOSE
ANY FIRST NAME, AND THE FAMILY GATHERING YOU'RE NOW BANNED FROM
BECAUSE YOU BROUGHT A GUN LAST TIME.
FISCHER'S VIDEO COLLECTION SUGGESTS A FIERCE DEVOTION TO A
HYPERMASCULINE ETHOS AND FEATURED ADVICE ABOUT THINGS
LIKE THE BEST FACIAL SERUMS.
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS TEDDY ROOSEVELT QUOTE, "SPEAK
SOFTLY AND USE RETINOL AROUND THE EYES!
REMEMBER UP, ALWAYS UP!" NOW, FISCHER IS IN FEDERAL
CUSTODY, BUT SOME OF THE SEDITIONISTS ARE GETTING OFF
PRETTY EASY.
FOR INSTANCE, ON FRIDAY, A FEDERAL JUDGE RULED THAT A WOMAN
CHARGED IN US CAPITOL RIOT CAN TAKE A TRIP TO MEXICO.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
YOU CAN'T LET HER GO ON VACATION.
SHE'S A FLIGHT RISK.
BECAUSE THERE'S A PANDEMIC AND I SERIOUSLY DOUBT SHE'S GOING TO
WEAR A MASK ON THAT FLIGHT!
THE RIOTER IN QUESTION IS NAMED JENNY LOUISE CUDD, WHO SOUGHT
PERMISSION FOR HER MEXICO GETAWAY FOR A "WORK-RELATED
BONDING RETREAT" WITH HER EMPLOYEES AND THEIR SPOUSES.
THIS HAS GOTTA SUCK FOR HER EMPLOYEES AND THEIR SPOUSES.
"HEY HONEY, GREAT NEWS!
JENNY GOT ARRESTED FOR ATTACKING CONGRESS, SO WE WON'T HAVE TO
SPEND THE WHOLE MEXICO TRIP LEARNING HOW TO SAY 'STOP THE
STEAL' IN SPANISH.
I'M SORRY, THE JUDGE DID WHAT?!" QUESQUE PASA?
THE MEXICO TRIP MAY BE AN ATTEMPT TO BOOST COMPANY MORALE.
CUDD CLAIMS THAT THE INSURRECTION BROUGHT NEGATIVE
ATTENTION FOR HER FLORAL BUSINESS, WHICH RECEIVED 500
NEGATIVE REVIEWS ON GOOGLE FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
THEY WERE HARSH.
LIKE THIS ONE: "FLOWERS WERE DELIVERED BY A NAZI, WHO SMASHED
OUR WINDOWS.
ALSO, TOO MUCH BABY'S BREATH."
DESPITE THE BAD REVIEWS, CUDD EXPRESSED NO REGRETS:
>> WHAT THEY'RE TRYING TO DO IS CANCEL ME BECAUSE I STOOD UP FOR
WHAT IT IS THAT I BELIEVE IN.
AND I CAN TELL YOU THIS, AND I'VE TOLD EVERYBODY THIS, I
WOULD DO IT AGAIN IN A HEARTBEAT!
>> Stephen: OKAY, I THINK YOU'RE TRYING TO CANCEL YOU
BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S ADMISSIBLE IN COURT.
(AS LAWYER) "YOU HONOR, MY CLIENT DID IT,
AND SHE'LL DO IT AGAIN!
THE DEFENSE RESTS.
AND QUITS!
AND REALLY REGRETS LAW SCHOOL.
GOD IS SHE GUILTY!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, QUEEN LATIFAH IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, MEANWHILE!