This week on Quick Questions, not-so-quick questions about sex and dating because the
majority of the questions that I get, quick or not-so-quick are about dating and sex and
crushes. Ooo, y'all be crushin'.
To kick things off I've got questions about not having sex. Elizabeth Alicia writes, 'Although
I am waiting for marriage before I have sex, I am not waiting for my first kiss on my weeding
day. I do have a promise ring, not because I was given it to keep me from having sex
but I got it so I would have an outward symbol of my choice. What's your personal opinion
of this choice?' That's your choice. I'm going to respect your choice to not want to have
sex. I talk about sex and promise rings and the concept of virginity on Stuff Mom Never
Told You not because I think that everybody should be having sex all of the time, unless
you want to be. I think it's important for us to consider this pressure that we might
kind of take for granted, this stereotyping that we might take for granted, where all
of that comes from. I think the important thing for you is to think about your own comfort
levels and your own consent levels and if there is a cultural hang-up behind all of
that then puzzle out why that is, what's going on. In terms of you just not wanting to have
sex that's, I think that's totally fine. It's always worth it to ask the question why. Mnms68
want's to know, 'Hey Cristen having sex is so accepted and stereotypically "cool" or
even expected nowadays especially in high school and college, but what about people
who decide that they are going to wait until marriage? People talk about slut-shaming but
what about virgin-shamiing or prude-shaming?' I think that it's all inextricably linked
to slut-shaming. The very reason that we have the idea of sluts is that we have the idea
of virgins and prudes. I think that if we tackle slut-shaming honestly and comprehensively
we are also going to tackle this thing of virginity-shaming or prude-shaming. It's all
judging people, usually more-so women, based on the sexual decisions that they do or don't
make. In the same way that I never shut-up about women and girls and consent and autonomy,
same thing for guys. Finally, Syra200 has a question. She's 23. Her boyfriend is 27.
They've been together for 4 years. 'I haven't decided yet if I want children or not in the
future. He says he's not interested in marrying me unless I am willing to have children with
him one day. Should I be hurt by this? Is this fair?' This is a common thing that breaks
up couples who have been together for a long time because one person really wants kids,
the other person really doesn't want kids and that ultimately does become a deal-breaker.
Parenting understandably is super-duper-duper important, so super-duper-duper important
that like if you don't want it, if you really don't want that in your life, uhhhhh, and
if you really do want that in your life, ahhhh. There's no easy compromise. The only thing
though that troubles me a little bit is the whole ultimatum. I would wonder too, am I
only as good as my ovaries? If there are other patterns of that in your relationship then
I don't know that that's the healthiest relationship to be in. I wonder too if he has any room
in his heart for you if it turns out that your ambivalence is really not wanting kids.
And if that happens when you guys have been together say four or five more years, is he
just going to flush eight plus years of a relationship down the old, the old tubes?
It's good that this is coming up. You need to know this. If he wants kids that's fine.
He should be with someone who wants kids though. And if you don't want kids that's so fine
too. And you should be with someone who also doesn't want kids or maybe does want kids,
or maybe does want kids but loves you more than the idea of having kids. Now I want to
know what quick questions you have, you can ask them in the comments below, you can also
private message me if you want to keep it on the DL or tweet me @cristenconger. And
I'll see y'all next time. Furious wave. Ahhhh. Oh, I almost hit myself.