Wu: “Welcome to the clink, boys and girls. My name is Warden Bing. This is your new home,
and when you live under my roof you live under my rules. Now I advise you - where’s prisoner
90210? [into radio] Hong we got a runner, you have my permission to fi- ...what’s
he in here for?”
Last time!
Wu: “My favorite son! how could you betray me like this? Men, bring me his head!”
Ju: “Father, you killed my loved ones and threw my baby grandson in prison! But… I
still have you. It was a setup you’ve got to believe me!”
Wu: “I… I do believe you son, come here, I - My favorite son! How could you betray
me like this?!”
Wu: “It was with tears in my eyes I learned the news of crown prince Ju’s death, and
so I’m dedicating this new palace to his memory, and as a promise to the people of
China that I will start being less of a d*ck” [reporters clamor]
Reporter: “Who will be in charge of China when you die?”
Wu: “Uh…. no further questions!”
Wu: “You know… it felt good to get it all off my chest. Feels like I’m forgetting
something though” Yi Zong: “Well if you’ve forgotten it-”
Wu: “-it can’t be that important ;)”
[intro]
[Xuan watching The Dark Knight Rises] Warden: “Dinner time!”
Xuan: “Coming!”
This is the life of baby Xuan, which yes is actually a posthumous name that translates
to responsible and he had like three other names but y’know let’s not make it more
complicated than it needs to be, thankfully for him his life was saved by a prison warden
with a heart three sizes too large. He was… well spoiled isn’t exactly the right word,
but Warden Bing went out of his way to treat him as well as one can be treated in an ancient
prison. He confided in a pair of prisoners to become the young boy’s wetnurses, even
paying from his own salary to have them return after they finished their sentences. He was
almost like the father he never had. But back in the capital, the great-grandpa he did have
had a very different approach to parenting
Wu: “What say the magicians’ council today?” Magician: “Your majesty, we’re detecting
some emperor-y auras coming from prison. We believe there may be a usurper.”
Wu: “Which prison?” Magician: “Y’know it’s hard to say,
just like prisons in general, there’s a future emperor in there somewhere.”
Wu: “You know it’s days like these when I ask myself… what would Yi Zong do?”
Guard: “Hey where do we keep the flamethrower?” Warden: “Behind the cabinet with the microwave,
why?” Guard: “Message from the emperor, says we
gotta kill all our prisoners” Warden: “What?”
Guard: “It’ll just be a minute” Warden: “Now hold on a minute! These people
have made some mistakes, but nothing is going to happen to them as long as they’re living
under my roof.” Guard: “Emperor’s not gonna be happy about
that” Warden: “Then you put that thing down until
you come back here with my death warrant”
The warden wrote to the city government trying to give them custody of the kid about to be
murdered, but they wouldn’t take him. And pretty soon, he heard back from the emperor.
Guard: “He said you were right, actually.” Warden: “...you’re screwing with me”
Guard: “No, seriously! He said killing every inmate in China was a bad idea in hindsight”
Now with that little scare behind him, the warden made up his mind to get this kid out,
even if it meant never seeing the little tyke ever again. His great-grandmother and great-uncle
were still alive, so after what I can only assume was a zany and hilarious prison heist
in which the warden himself had to break someone out of his own prison without letting the
other inmates catch onto what he was doing, young Xuan said goodbye to his surrogate guardian
and began his new life as a commoner.
Years later he got an invitation to the palace. Now meeting the emperor face to face was a
dangerous proposition, but if there’s one thing that will 100% get you killed, it’s
refusing an emperor’s invitation.
Zhao: “Wazzup? I’m the new emperor, this is Huo Guang, he does all the actual work
around here. I can’t believe you’re still alive! Man, what a life, I can’t believe
I was in the dark for so long, but hey I guess you were born in it, huh? I wanted to say
sorry my Dad locked you up, so to catch you up on being a royal and all, I brought you
a tutor!” Tutor: “And I bought you a wife! Congratulations!”
Their marriage actually turned out to be a loving one and Xuan grew up to be a diligent
learner with a deep love of Confucian classics and, go figure, a strong sense of social justice.
The young emperor wasn’t too bad himself, pretty clever for his age, but died without
warning.
So at this point there really aren’t a lot of options for the next emperor. It ends up
being this guy Liu He, but uh, remember how emperor Wu used to fake parties to hide his
political ambitions?
Wu: “Gran gran! I was just uh… snorting coke! From this young lady’s… bosom.”
Yeah that was basically this guy but for real. He was impeached, and I didn’t even know
you could impeach an emperor, after just 27 days on the throne… on eleven-hundred and
twenty-seven different charges. And so once again there are no real options for replacements
except… Xuan!
From riches to rags and back again, emperor Xuan turned out to be a great guy. He ruled
well, he was one of very few absolute monarchs to really get the common people, he vassalized
some of China’s traditional enemies, he honored the people around him, and he gave
Warden Bing a place in the palace for everything he did for him growing up. Only negative thing
you could really say about the emperor was that he quoted way too much from that one
Batman movie.
Speaking of good leadership, Huo Guang, the regent who’d overseen the last emperor’s
rule and helped Xuan acclimate to the throne, was finally ready to give up power and retire,
a rare move among regents. Which is exactly why Xuan didn’t let him, he recognized talent
and needed to keep him close. A fatal mistake.
Huo Guang was still a good guy, don’t get me wrong… but he would soon discover he
was married to Lady Macbeth.
Xian: “We have a problem. Remember when I told you I was going to start selling taffy?”
Xian: “And then, good doctor, when her child is born, you’ll offer her this poison pill!”
Huo Guang: “What’s that honey?” Xian: “Oyster dill! It’s taffy, we’re
making taffy” Huo Guang: *chuckles* “Okay dear”
Xian: “The emperor will have to remarry, and with his true love deceased, my daughter
shall become empress at last, and my progeny shall rule this land! Can you picture the
look on his face when his beloved eunuch’s daughter will curl up and die!”
Huo Guang: “Pardon?” Xian: “Turnips and rhye, dear, turnips and
rhye”
Huo Guang: “I thought strawBerry S'more sounded nice”
Xian: “I killed the empress." Huo Guang: “You murdered the empress?!”
Xian: “I never wanted you to know! That damned Xuan… it was supposed to be foolproof!”
Xian: “I’m sorry your majesty, your wife, she… she didn’t make it” [begins crying,
then chuckling, then cackling] Xuan: “Oh my God… but she was so healthy
after delivering… we’d better interrogate the doctors”
[Xian chokes]
Huo Guang: “How dare you… I’m telling his majesty!”
Xian: “If he finds out about me, the law will have our entire family killed! You’re
in just as deep as I am” Huo Guang: “Villain! Thou hast made me a
traitor!” Xian: “Now screw your courage to the sticking
place and act the part! ...Issat a knife?”
Well Huo Guang dies, making that whole character arc full of inner conflict almost entirely
pointless, but Lady Huo got her wish of an empress in her family. Unfortunately Xuan
already had a son with his first wife and made him the heir. Lady Huo again hadn’t
thought this far ahead and proceeded to get all murder-y.
Empress Huo: “Mother! How nice to see y-” Xian [to her daughter]: “The boy must diiiiieeee...!”
Well it wasn’t long before rumors began to spread through the court and before they
made their way to emperor Xuan, who seemed to lend them some credence. Little by little
he began to take the Huo family out of power, until:
Xian: “Exhibit A! Yes, ‘twas I killed the empress! But I think you’ll all have
the heart to forgive me when you see Exhibit B! We sink or swim together! Which is why
it’s time for us to stick together like good Confucians, and… exhibit C! Overthrow
the government!”
Yeah, um, they did not succeed. And Xuan killed the whole family because a bunch of the family
was involved because they knew the whole family would be killed, a very interesting little
quirk of Confucian family values taken to their extreme. The only person to be spared
was Empress Huo, who was simply locked in a palace far far away and the emperor decided
that his next wife would be one without any kids.
But the ultimate question: what does the kind and gracious emperor do now that he’s smited
an entire family from the face of the Earth? Didn’t you hear me the first time he settles
Xiongnu relations, rewards the faithful, takes care of his people and lives happily ever
after.