*1960's Batman Intro music*
Batman!
Batman! Batman!
Batman!
Batman! Batman!
Batman!
Dadadadadadadadada! Batman!
*Joker laughing*
Batty Batty Bat! Batty Batty Bat!
*Joker laughing*
Okay... so I guess because the Joker is in the title
I'm playing "Batman: Return of The Joker" on NES.
It's a followup to the first Batman game on NES.
They couldn't wait for the next movie to come out so they had to make an instant sequel.
Unlike the first game, where you have the option to punch or switch between inventory or weapons
This game, basically gives you one weapon, a Bat Gun.
You can get a lot of upgrades for this weapon, but I can't help but find it strange that Batman is going around shooting people with infinite ammo and never using his fists.
For an NES Game, the graphics are good. And the music, once again, is awesome.
Seems like some soft games always have good music.
Blaster Master, Fester's Quest,
Yeah... I said that.
You can even make Batman dance to the music because when you press UP, he turns his head.
*Ingame Music Playing*
Ooh! The Bat dance!
*Laughter*
*More laughter*
I don't know what purpose that has...
But when you get to the boss, the music sounds incredibly familiar.
*Boss music*
*Mega Man music*
Mega Man 2?
Yeah.. it does sound like it.
Just a lot faster, that's all.
Once you get to the third stage, the game gets way too difficult way too fast.
You're slipping around on the ice trying not to fall, and all these tornadoes keep flying at ya.
Even after a lot of trial and error, it's still next to impossible not to get hit by these things.
Come on you fucking tornado piece of shit
I know you're there, just inching forward, I know you're there.
FUCK!
There's also the traditional annoying backwards fall bullshit, whenever you get hit you fly back.
Right, you're familiar with that, but HERE
Even if you're facing in the other direction,
You get sucked back into the hole!
*Joker laughing in the background*
What in the holy mother of fuck is that about?!
That doesn't even follow the laws of physics!
Then there's the falling ceiling gag, you know, for you to get by they have to fall.
There's no other option, if you stand under it, it kills ya
To get it down, you stand under it.
What a paradox!
Look at this pandimonium! There's a fucking ceiling waiting to come down and kill me
There's a guy throwing an oil drum!
If I try to get out of the way I get hit by these rotating blades and shit!
I take the guy out and then I try to set off the ceiling trap and...
I'm dead.
Shut up!
*Laughing stops*
Fuck you motherfucker!
So I try it again and this time I just carefully step to the edge, just takin' baby steps y'know
God!
This game's fucking brutal! It doesn't even make any sense!
Come on you piece of shit!
Fuck!
Okay, so I'm trying to jump on a moving platform while somebody is shooting at me.
How the Hell does that work?!
Oh shit.
Woah, got lucky there.
FUCK!
*Joker laughing*
So I'm just going to try and shoot him from across the hole. But, as you can see, I can't.
I just gotta get on there.
ASS!
One more try, I just can't get hit.
C'mon, CMON you motherfucker!
Argh!
Thank God!
And how d'ya like this? You can actually get blocked by a powerup!
But he can still shoot through! That's not fair!
Boo hoo!
Oh it's so unfair!
*Sarcastic sobbing*
It's like they deliberately programmed this thing to be a means of torture!
There's also a slide move, but I never found a safe time to use it.
So half the time, I forgot I had it.
The only thing easy about this game, are the bosses.
Except for the Joker, he's impossible.
So overall, it's really not the worst Batman game, it's not really that bad of a game in general.
It just has some things about it that suck so-
Ooooh, would you like to play a bad game Batman?
How about the Gameboy version, Return of The Joker!
OOHOOHOOO!
Have fun motherfucker!
OOHOOOHOHAAHAHAHAAA!
Okay... Return of The Joker on Gameboy.
The game begins, and what does it sound like?
*Return of The Joker title screen music*
I dunno why I'm making all these observations, I guess I just have Mega Man on the mind.
So anyways, it's completely different from the NES version.
Your main attack is punching, but you can also collect other weapons.
And the wall jump is back, so it's actually more like the first NES game.
But there's also a grappling hook which is really annoying because you can never get it to work when you need it to work.
It's like Jungle Hunt, have you ever played Jungle Hunt?
Doodoododododolododoo
HOO!
*Joker laughing*
And other times, it just has a mind of it's own!
The control is overly complicated.
It seems they should have had the wall jump or the grappling hook. Not both!
Here, there's deadly sewer water rising up.
I'm desperately trying to make my way to the platforms, but instead I keep bouncing around the place!
Alright' so I'm just trying to get the power up that's up there.
Trying to do the wall jump, and the fucking grappling hook's going off.
Ugh, missed again. Here we go again, I just want to- there we go,
Okay, see so I got the powerup. Now I just want to land on that thing
But it isn't- then the grappling hook goes off, I don't want to go that way
I wanna go to the right.
Alright now I made it but- now the wall jump like sends me back!
It's like I don't want to go back, I wanted to go to the right!
The controls are like trying to get a horse to wipe it's ass on an eagle.
And I REALLY hate that grappling hook.
Okay, now jump!
Fuck!
Alright here we go again, FUCK!
I swear that these games were programmed by the Joker.
Oh, I can't believe this, get up there!
Get up there!
That's it, I can't play this anymore! I can't finish the first fuckin' level!
*Laughter*
What are you playin' return of the Joker? weren't you just playing Return of the Joker?
Return of the Joker, Return of the Joker!
Well how about REVENGE of the Joker on Sega Genesis!
*Cackling*
Return of The Joker, Revenge of The Joker!
Return! Revenge! Return! Revege!
*Laughter*
*More Laughter*
Okay, so this is not Return, but Revenge of the Joker
To start off, it looks promising enough.
It's basically a 16-bit version of the NES game, Return of the Joker
Why does it take so long to destroy the crates?!
All it is is a powerup, it should take one shot!
It's like in Fester's Quest, all those fucking purple blobs you gotta shoot.
Oh so you have a kick? I got it, alright, kick for the crates and firepower for everything else.
What's with the gargoyle statues?
You shoot em and get nothing!
What's the point?
And why does it hurt you to touch them?!
BATMAN CAN'T EVEN TOUCH A FUCKING STATUE?!
Then you get these live gargoyle statues, the ones that attack.
Die! I shoot him in the head and nothing happens, I shoot him down in the midsection nothing happens.
Oh my god
What the- What am I supposed to do here? I just keep shooting them and nothing happens!
Alright so I'm trying to slide into them and nothing happens
Ugh, my god I'm fucking dead.
Alright so this time I'm gonna try jumping over them.
THAT DOESN'T WORK EITHER!
I'M HITTING THEM IN EVERY SPOT THAT I CAN!
Okay, so you CAN kill them?! I just don't know how to do it,
Oh you motherfucker!
Damn!
OKAY SO WHAT'S WITH THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT!?
What is is, do they just DIE whenever they feel like it?! Like is it a glitch?! Or is it just some obscure trick I don't know about?
It's just the first level of the game,
AGAIN, THE FIRST FUCKING LEVEL AND I CAN'T GO ANY FURTHER!!
I've had enough of this catastrophe.
I'm sick of this shit!
I've had enough of this shit!
*1960s Batman Theme starts playing*
*Clank!*
*Metal rendition of the Tim Burton Batman theme*
*Smack!*
*More punching sound effects*
I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ass!
Batman: Revenge Of The Joker!
Batman: Return Of The Joker!
Batman Forever!
Batman: Return of The Joker on GameBoy!
And last but not least, Batman on Commodore 64!