- So just tell me, have I gotten heavier?
- You look fine.
- No I put on weight, how could I not have
with all the junk I've been eating lately.
- So then why don't you just eat a little better?
- Funny, I always intend to but then Douglas
starts talking to me about this and that and suddenly
I'm slumped in front of a TV,
and I'm eating something terribly unhealthy.
I want pizza!
Chinese!
Cheese sticks!
Cotton candy!
Fried chicken.
- That sneaky bastard.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat music)
- You a vodka man Arthur?
- Oh no not me, for some reason Douglas has
started making cocktails every night
when Carrie gets home.
- Really?
I never thought he'd go this far.
- What are you talking about?
- He told me he liked her better drunk.
- Are you telling me he's been pouring vodka
down my little girl's throat just to make her what he wants!
Is that why she's suddenly become
this sweet little powderpuff,
without an ounce of gumption or will of her own?
- Hey there.
- Hi!
- Hot taters are served.
(audience laughter) - Now don't kill me now,
maybe you should have dinner with this guy.
- You want me to go on a date?
- No not a date, as far as you're concerned
it's just a dinner to discuss law stuff.
But then, while you're eating you guys talk,
you smile, you laugh, I mean the night is just magic.
(audience laughter)
Then next week when you go to court to contest
the ticket he doesn't even show up
to testify cause he's sweet on you.
And bam!
Bye, bye ticket.
It's a perfect plan!
He has high-def.
- Yeah, so?
- So, so invite him to my poker game tonight.
- Ew, no.
Why would I do that.
- Hello brownie points for you with your boss
and maybe an invite to watch the Super Bowl
in high-def with me!
- Doug, he is my boss okay.
I do not want him in my home.
That is my turf.
- Your turf?
Okay, when exactly did you become Pinky Tuscadero?
(audience laughter)
- Okay can I get back to work now please?
I have a very serious parking situation to deal with.
- No Car you obviously don't understand
what's going on here.
I'm talking high-def, high-def.
Mike is very, very annoying.
(audience laughter)
- So all this time just to keep Mike and Suzy from coming,
you've been stopping Spence from getting an apartment?
- I can't say I've been making it easy for him.
(audience laughter)
- Did he even wanna move out
of his mom's in the first place?
- I'd like to think so.
Look Tim, this is all because of me.
- What do you mean?
- (sighs) It was me on the radio,
I sent you to those places.
- That was you?
- Yeah but I swear to you I never meant for you to get hurt,
I was just trying to get you fired.
(audience laughter)
I just feel bad, you know like maybe I could have done more.
- Wait a minute, I thought you'd be happy
he didn't get the job?
- Oh yeah no, no, I mean I just said that
to make Danny feel better.
- No, the phone call was over you just said it to me.
- Well it just spilled over.
Look I got him the interview, he didn't get the job,
it happens every day, back off.
- Wait a second, did you have anything to do
with him not getting that job?
- What?
What you think I went into O'Boyle and said,
"Could you take time out of your busy schedule
"to interview my cousin but don't hire him."
I don't want him working there!
(audience laughter)
- I broke her computer?
- No, I did.
I just need you to say that you did.
- Why would I say that?
- Because I've been given her all kinds of crap
about getting my TV stolen,
she'll think I did this out of spite.
I just couldn't handle it.
- That's true, you're decent but weak.
- Doug, I know you beat up Spence for his homework.
- He told you!
He is so dead.
(audience laughter)
Carrie just got a new job and that's great.
The bad news is now there's a whole new building full
of these Manhattan chuckleheads
she's gonna wanna make friends with.
Oh, she loves that.
"Oh, let's make new friends, let's open up our world."
You know what, I don't wanna open up our world.
I wanna close our world.
Build a dome over it.
- If you don't wanna meet any new people,
why did you agree to go out with them?
- Because Carrie can't know about the dome.
So what I like to do is happily agree to go out
with these people.
And then let's just say by the end of the evening,
they no like Dougie so much.
(audience laughter)
You know here's a crazy idea uh, why don't you uh,
you know play a game while I do my warm ups?
- Oh I don't know, Carla will kill me.
- I don't see Carla here.
What I do see is a state of the art video game
hooked up to a big screen TV
- Hmmmm, no I can't I'm a trainer I have to do my job.
- Okay, here's the thing Lou.
You really wanna play that video game,
and I really don't wanna get into shape.
- I'm with you so far.
- All right, so I was thinking instead of letting
our wives decide what we should do,
maybe we should use my workout time to do what we wanna do.
Hmm, it'll be our little secret.
(audience laughter)