Hey guys and welcome back. Thanks for joining me for another video
I'm so so excited about this week's topic
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But let's get right into this week's video. I wanted to tackle a topic that has been on my list for a while
It's been super highly requested like everywhere on YouTube social media
and so I definitely wanted to make this video and we are gonna dive into
Narcissistic parents this week. So I think for the most part the relationship between a parent and a child
When it you're dealing with a narcissist
It's gotta look similar to either a friendship or a romantic partner in the sense that there's gonna be manipulation
There's gonna be gaslighting there's gonna be projecting. There's definitely gonna be verbal abuse emotional abuse
There's gonna be the silent treatment passive aggressive. There's all those techniques that I've talked about in a lot of my other videos
They're definitely gonna happen here with this relationship between child and parent
There's just a few things that are gonna be really different with this
relationship since you're dealing with a child and a parent so for a
Narcissistic parent that child the child that they brought into the world that child is an extension of themselves
so there's a certain level of
expectation that that narcissist has on that child and when that parent doesn't feel that that child is
Where they want them to be this is definitely where a lot of abuse can actually happen
So we definitely hear the term golden child happen often in these types of situations when there's more than one child in the family
where one child is really just singled out and is given a
More love and admiration and support so to speak by that narcissistic parent than some of the other children
There that child's basically giving that narcissistic parent a lot of narcissistic supply
so they're giving them they're
Reflecting back what that narcissist wants to see so either they're a child that has had a lot of accomplishments
With in school or in sports or they've just done things where?
They've done certain things that the narcissist deems acceptable
Within society so you could have a child. That is an amazing artist and is so creative
so talented
But the narcissist doesn't value that they value achievements in school. They value money. They value appearance
They value success they value
You know how athletic?
My son is or how you know pretty my daughter is and whether or not she was homecoming queen or whatever that looks like
So that's that could be what the narcissist is. So hyper focused on and not
unconditional love so when we have children
We honor all of our children
For the gifts that they were born into this world having so we love each child the same way
Even though they're all very different. So one child while they might be
Successful by society standards and they're not making a million dollars a year
They're very happy and they're content and they're a beautiful artist or they're a great writer or whatever job that they do in life
They're happy and content with their life and that's what we want
And that's what we we love and we honor those gifts that that child has
Just the same as we would another child that might get straight A's in school
So we're gonna really root for both children, even though one might struggle academically and the other one it comes very easily
So we treat all of our children fairly so to speak and we love them all unconditionally
And we want them all to be
Happy in life any good parent?
That's the first thing that you're gonna hear out of their mouth is I want you to be happy in life
No matter what that looks like and I will support you in whatever it is that you want to do
So we don't support our children based off of what they give us and what we deem as acceptable
So the first thing is appearances and this is really important for a narcissist
So regardless again if you have children or if you're in a romantic relationship with a narcissist
Appearances are so so important for them because that's where they really get that supply from so they need to look a certain way
This doesn't mean that all narcissists need to be wealthy and have the best of the best
No, but they're very hyper focused on what they look like and how they're viewed to other people
So that's number number one. So a
Narcissistic parent is going to make sure that their child looks a certain way that their hair is combed
Nicely that, you know, they can't just be themselves and they have to be you know
acting a certain way and look a certain way for them because
That gives them a high that makes them feel better about themselves
That makes them feel like look we're perfect and we have our stuff together and we're a good family and everything's fine
We have no drama
because we want everyone around us to view our family as a good family or the best family that has you know,
the best clothing and the best
whatever
So it's all about appearances in terms of filling
Themselves up inside because they never learned how to do it themselves and the child is just an extension of that
so the next thing is
Children of narcissistic parents don't have a voice and what I mean by that is they're not asked
How do you feel how was your day? How did that make you feel? What would you like for dinner tonight?
Would you like peas or carrots? You know, there's no there's no
Nurses the parents aren't able to do that to really keep that child hone in to their sense of self
So if you're a child of a narcissistic parent you weren't asked
How was your day?
And if you were asked really what you felt inside is that you need to just give a generic answer
Because when you try to go deep and say you know what this is what I was going through
This is how I felt your emotions were either
you were either made to feel like what you were feeling was ridiculous and irrelevant or
You were told to kind of suck it up and be a big boy or be a man or you know
You're being too sensitive and you don't need to feel that way
so you were shut down when you were being human and when you were just feeling and
And the reason why is because of that lack of empathy so because a narcissist has absolutely no
Capability to be empathetic towards you for a child that's devastating every child needs validation
every child needs a lot of empathy and
Regardless of whether or not you agree with a child. So a lot of the key things
That children need to grow up to be healthy
you are right off the bat not gonna get from a narcissist and this is where a lot of the times that
Child couldn't conform to start having narcissistic traits as well
You know really killing off that sense of self and conforming to just the ways that they're programmed to
View the world and how they're you know
teaching how this narcissistic parent is teaching them how to
Deal with life or you can actually go the complete opposite and just become codependent
Which is basically just suppressing
Everything that we're feeling and trying to just please dad or please mom
Trying so hard to get straight A's trying so hard to you know
Make the basketball team and be the star athlete or you know
Go to the best school or whatever it is that you felt that your father or mother
Wanted you to do you just crave that attention inside you crave that
validation you crave that unconditional love that you weren't getting and so that becomes your wound of you seeking that validation and trying to
People please in order to get that filled up inside within you
So when you're not asked those important questions of how did that make you feel?
And you have every right to feel that way and what do you want for dinner?
And you're not as a child. You weren't asked those things so you could stay connected to your sense of self
That's when we lose our sense of self. We stop trusting our intuition. That's when we as when we become adults
That's when we attract abuse of people because we had an abusive parent. That's when we start to become codependent
That's when we start to become a people pleaser. So this is all really where it stems from
The next thing is and this is just a given
narcissistic parents neglect their kids
So neglect and abuse, it can look like two different things neglect can be I'm not feeding my kids. I'm not bathing my kids
Or it can also be I'm over indulging my kids. I'm enabling my kids
I'm not teaching them right from wrong
So either you got not enough attention or too much attention
Where you were put on this pedestal that?
is not healthy for a child throughout their whole life to be on this pedestal or we could be
Neglecting our child so much that they're just seeking that validation
and again
That's where that codependency comes from and that people-pleasing comes from so it's a balance for parents to
honor and love and praise our children
But also teach them right from wrong and that sometimes they make mistakes and how to apologize
And how to how to own, you know
when they do something wrong and that there's nothing wrong with them if they made a mistake and really
Nurturing all of that so they can grow up to be a healthy adult
so if mom or dad was just so self indulgent and
So self-centered and selfish quite frankly and never put that child's needs before themselves
That's neglect right there
And again that child's gonna always crave the attention that they didn't get from that parent
Because basically what it means is as a child, your emotional needs were not met
The other thing with narcissistic parents is that they're never wrong
So just like any other narcissist you're dealing with whether it's a family member friendship romantic relationship. There's no accountability
There's no responsibility for their actions and what they did and what they said or anything like that
They can't take countability for those things because then you're reflecting
Back at them what they don't want to see which is their true self
which is
That they did something wrong and they don't want to see that they just want to look at themselves as a perfect human being
Have my perfect outfit on have my you know
White picket fence and we don't have any drama in the family and there's never any issues in our family
We're not the family that's got trouble and issues
They're probably the family that has the most
so what that does for a child when they are not able to see their parent own their mistakes take
responsibility for their actions and
Apologize and learn how to do those things whether it's between the child and the parent or between the two parents
Themselves the child picks up on that the child then learns how to not say I'm sorry how to not take responsibility
How do not accept the fact that okay, I was wrong and that's okay
That doesn't make me a bad human being and just because I was wrong or just because I did something wrong
That doesn't mean I still don't deserve love. It means I made a mistake and I'm gonna learn from it
so a narcissist is not able to teach those lessons to a child and
Then the child is always made to feel like they're the problem that they're the issue that they always do something wrong
The other thing that often happens and a lot of adults who are raised in narcissistic homes
whether it was both parents or just one will tell you this that they felt like at times they had to parent themselves and
whether the parent just
Neglected the child and wasn't even in them in a way that they weren't able to give them a lot of things emotionally
But that they just felt like it was their job to take care of the parent because the parent was so self
Indulged so self-involved and what was going on with them?
That they didn't have time for the child and the child just tends to grow up again
codependency 101 people-pleasing 101
Feeling the need to take care of the parent because there was always something going on with a parent or that the parent needed something
Or it was always what the parent wanted to do, and it was always about the parent never
Really about the child. And again, this is a balancing act because as healthy parents
we know that every day can't be about the child right that we have to be we have to find balance between
overindulging and
Loving ourselves as well. And when you're dealing with a narcissistic parent, it's either one or the other either
It's just you know neglect and just not taking what that child wants into consideration whatsoever. What that child needs
physically emotionally whatever or
Overindulging and giving the child too much every single day putting them on a pedestal. That's
unhealthy for them
developmentally
So either is the dangerous, you know is a dangerous place to be for a child. So again, not only are
narcissistic parents doing these types of tactics, but again
Like I've talked about a lot of my other videos there is definitely gas leading
insulting verbal abuse
Every tactic of emotional abuse that you can think of very very manipulative and order for that parent to get what they want
Definitely using guilt on the child. I mean all of those things a hundred percent
Happens in these types of situations in these relationships. I really wanted to hone on the things that you don't typically see
When you're dealing with a romantic partner or when you're dealing with a friendship
So, I hope that you have enjoyed this video if you have don't forget to give it a thumbs up
And I will see you next week