- Did you know that being bullied as a child
can affect your confidence
and relationships well into adulthood?
How do we handle bullies in a productive way
and help our kids to do so?
How can we heal the damage that's been done?
I've got the answers for you right here.
(uplifting orchestral music)
I'm Jonathan Decker, licensed therapist.
Even though I was raised by loving parents
in a stable family,
childhood bullies did psychological damage
that I was still undoing well into my 30s.
Based solely on my home life,
I should have developed a secure attachment style,
personal confidence, feeling safe in the world
and able to make new friends.
Instead, I found myself anxious about gaining acceptance,
wrestling with severe insecurities and self-loathing,
and desperate for belonging.
I want to talk about how this happens
and share a combination of research and my experience
to help you help yourself and your loved ones
deal with the emotional abuse of bullies.
About 20% of school-age children
report being victims of bullying.
In adult relationships, we call it abuse,
but the behavior is the same.
At the heart of bullying is a power differential.
Bullies possess greater physical, social,
financial, or hierarchical power,
which they use to assert dominance over others,
building themselves up by tearing others down,
building relationships by bonding over tormenting others.
According to Rogers Behavioral Health,
bullying can take verbal, social, physical, and cyber forms.
Verbal bullying is teasing, name calling,
and threatening to hurt someone.
Social bullying is excluding someone on purpose,
telling others not to be friends with someone,
and spreading rumors.
Physical bullying is actual hitting, kicking,
punching, pinching, and taking or breaking someone's things.
Cyber bullying looks like sending or posting
negative, harmful, false, or mean content
about someone on a digital device,
such as apps, texts, or social media.
The psychological effects of bullying
can be devastating and long lasting.
In some cases, post-traumatic stress disorder results.
In most cases, depression, isolation, and anxiety follow.
Victims of bullying often experience low self-esteem,
struggles in school or work,
difficulty in making and keeping friendships,
insecurity in romantic relationships, difficulty sleeping,
becoming a bully themselves,
and even suicidal thoughts and self-harming behaviors.
In extreme cases, victims of bullying
respond with shocking violence themselves.
How can you recognize if your child is being bullied?
According to Best Day Psychiatry,
children who are bullied may come home
with unexpected injuries, lost books or damaged possessions.
They may have trouble sleeping
and lose interest in favorite activities.
If they're afraid to enter the cafeteria at lunchtime,
they may come home hungry.
They might pretend illness to avoid school,
affecting their academic performance.
Some may avoid social interactions,
while some may begin to bully others.
Victims may try to cope
by harming themselves or running away.
What can be done to help a child who's been bullied
or an adult, for that matter?
The first thing is to take steps to ensure safety,
working with schools and companies
to create a safer work environment.
Bullying should be reported,
with steps taken to establish and enforce consequences.
Victims also benefit from relaxation exercises
and stress management techniques.
What helped me the most was reaching out
to befriend other kids who were bullied.
In creating a place of belonging for them,
I also created one for myself,
as we gave each other the acceptance we so greatly needed.
The other thing that saved me
was coming to have pity and compassion for my bullies.
I came to realize that most of them
were hurting from awful home lives or buried insecurity.
Even when they weren't, their approach to relationships
meant that they would never know
the joy of true love and true friendship.
This reminds me of the 2007 film adaptation
of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix."
Our hero finds himself a confrontation
with his parents' murderer, Voldemort,
an evil wizard so terrifying
that people dare not say his name.
Harry has dreaded this moment,
which is something his adversary takes full advantage of.
Voldemort possesses Harry's body,
tormenting his mind with visions of death and suffering,
reminding him of his failings,
and taunting him for being weak.
It is at this point that Harry sees his friends,
who have come to his aid.
They watch his agony with love and concern.
He thinks on their experiences together,
along with all the people who've ever loved him
and have been kind to him.
"You're the weak one," he tells his enemy.
"You'll never know love or friendship,
"and I feel sorry for you."
This realization gives him the strength
to cast Voldemort out of his mind and body.
For the first time, Harry sees his nemesis
not as a fearful opponent, but as a hurtful bully,
as a lonely, pathetic individual
whose misery causes him to lash out at others.
Harry comes to pity his enemy,
recognizing that cruelty and selfishness
will prevent Voldemort from experiencing
the joys of friendship and love.
Bullies are not happy people.
They're not people who have healthy relationships.
Generally speaking, they are insecure,
a fact they try to hide from other people
and even from themselves.
For these reasons, they are deserving of pity,
which is not the same thing as making excuses for them
or not holding them accountable for their behavior.
They are often dealing with abuse
and stress in their own lives.
Bullies are three times more likely
to be suffering from depression
than the average person their age.
Worst of all, their behavior makes it unlikely
they'll benefit from healing connection
or get the help that they need.
Hurtful people often blame others
for their behavior and attitudes.
They try and make you believe
that if you were better somehow,
then they wouldn't be so mean.
Don't believe it.
Even if you change the behavior that they complain about,
they tend to find something new about you to criticize.
Cruelty comes from unhappiness.
I'm reminded of a quote by an unknown author.
"Don't expect everyone to love you.
"Most people don't even love themselves."
It's true.
Self-loathing drives hurtful critical behavior.
It perpetuates the playground mentality
of tearing others down to feel good about oneself.
Bullies project confidence to convince themselves and others
that they're not as insecure as they actually are.
Remember, people who are cruel choose to be cruel,
so don't take responsibility for the way that they are.
Like Harry Potter, choose to pity your enemies
instead of fearing them.
No matter how many minions they attract,
they're lonely because they're self-absorbed.
When they broadcast how wonderful their lives are,
know that they do so to convince others
and themselves that they're not miserable.
When you pity cruel people,
it robs them of their power to hurt you.
You come to see their cruelty
as a manifestation of their own weakness.
This helps you to not take it personally.
Then, if you have the strength
and disposition to do so, love them.
Pity leads to compassion, compassion leads to love,
and love leads to kindness.
While an unhappy person may not be open to your kindness
and may push you away,
you can carry love in your heart for them.
Love will allow you to rid yourself
of animosity towards your enemies,
which will help you to be at peace and grow in confidence.
It also might soften their hearts over time.
Now, I want to hear from you down below in the comments.
How has bullying in your past or present
affected your mental health?
What has helped you to cope?
How do you take the power back?
Or if you have questions for us about dealing with bullying,
finding the strength to stand up or helping others to do so,
let us know in the comments below,
and we'll gladly address them.
If you enjoy what we're doing here,
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Here at Mended Light,
we're invested in helping you heal yourself
so that your light can shine to the world,
so that you can be the happiest, best version of you.
I'm Jonathan Decker, licensed therapist,
and I'll see you next time.
(uplifting orchestral music)