WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I'M SO HAPPY-- I'M HAPPY, SO HAPPY TO BE HERE WITH YOU
AND BY HERE, I MEAN, IN ANY AIR CONDITIONED ROOM;
-- THANK YOU, WHOEVER DID THIS.
BECAUSE TODAY IN NEW YORK, TEMPERATURES HIT A HIGH OF 96
DEGREES.
WHAT METEOROLOGISTS CALL HOTTER THAN THE DEVIL'S GRUNDLE.
CAN I SAY GRUNDEL ON CBS I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN.
IT'S SO HOT IN THE CITY, TIMES SQUARE HAD A NAKED COWBOY AND A
SHAVED ELMO.
I DIDN'T REALIZE ELMO HAD THE-- ELMO IS A MAMMAL, EVIDENTLY.
NEW YORK IS NOT ALONE.
ACCORDING TO CBS NEWS, BRUTAL AND DANGEROUS TEMPERATURES WERE
FELT FROM CALIFORNIA TO MASSACHUSETTS.
OK, CBS NEWS, JUST SAY AMERICA.
THAT'S LIKE TELLING YOUR PARTNER: HEY, BEFORE WE GET
INTIMATE, I SHOULD WARN YOU I HAVE THIS LITTLE RASH FROM MY
RIGHT TOE TO MY LEFT EAR.
OUT WEST, THE EXTREME HEAT COMES WITH A SIDE OF DROUGHT.
CALIFORNIA HAS IMPOSED WATER RESTRICTIONS THIS YEAR,
INCLUDING ONE THAT LIMITS OUTDOOR WATERING TO ONLY ONE DAY
A WEEK.
IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD, DISNEYLAND HAD TO CHANGE THE NAME OF SPLASH
MOUNTAIN TO DUSTY GULCH.
COMING UP HERE, THIS MIGHT BE THE THING.
IN LOS ANGELES, IN ORDER TO CURB WATER USAGE, 'WATER POLICE' ARE
GOING DOOR TO DOOR.
THAT'S GOTTA BE TENSE.
COPS BANGING AT YOUR DOOR, SUDDENLY YOU'RE SCRAMBLING TO
FLUSH ALL OF YOUR WATER DOWN THE TOILET.
THE WATER POLICE ARE WALKING AROUND THE CITY LOOKING FOR
SIDEWALK PUDDLES, A POTENTIAL SIGN OF MISUSED WATER.
UNLIKE NEW YORK CITY, WHERE SIDEWALK PUDDLES ARE A DEFINITE
SIGN OF MYSTERY URINE.
DON'T INVESTIGATE.
I'M CURIOUS, I'M REALLY CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
SO FAR, NORMAL PEOPLE ARE DOING THEIR PART, BUT HOLLYWOOD
A-LISTERS ARE GOING MORE THAN 200% OVER THEIR ALLOTTED WATER
BUDGETS.
AND REPORTEDLY, ONE OF THE WORST OFFENDERS IS SYLVESTER STALLONE.
AND IS THIS TRUE.
WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE WATER POLICE RAIDING STALLONE'S HOUSE.
LET'S HIT THE SLIP AND SLIDE WEE THAT WAS A GOODS MOVIE.
I DID NOT EXPECT SOME OF THAT.
THESE HEAT WAVES ARE ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE, BECAUSE BIDEN'S
CLIMATE PLAN IS BEING BLOCKED IN THE SENATE BY JOE I HATE LIFE ON
EARTH MANCHIN.
SO THE PRESIDENT HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY TO ANNOUNCE NEW
STEPS TO COMBAT CLIMATE CHANGE BUT STOPPED SHORT OF DECLARING A
NATIONAL EMERGENCY.
YEAH, YOU DON'T WANT TO CALL A CLIMATE EMERGENCY TOO EARLY.
YOU GOTTA WAIT UNTIL OUR INTERNAL TEMPERATURE IS 165
DEGREES IN THE THIGH.
THEN WE'RE SAFE TO EAT.
THE PRESIDENT'S NON-EMERGENCY PRESS CONFERENCE WAS IN
MASSACHUSETTS, IN FRONT OF WHAT APPEARED TO BE THE BLEAKEST,
MOST DESOLATE SPOT ON THE PLANET.
BECAUE NOTHING SAYS, EVERYTHING'S FINE LIKE A
DEHYDRATED SEPTUAGENARIAN BROADCASTING FROM THE SET OF MAD
MAX: FURY ROAD.
AND WHILE THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T DECLARE A STATE OF EMERGENCY, HE
DID STATE THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
>> LET ME BE CLEAR, CLIMATE CHANGE IS AN EMERGENCY.
AND IN THE COMING WEEKS I'M GOING TO USE THE POWER I HAVE AS
PRESIDENT TO TURN THESE WORDS INTO FORMAL, OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT
ACTION.
>> Stephen: IN THE COMING WEEKS UNDERYUTS THE SENSE OF
IRNLGENCEE.
IN THE COMING WEEKS THIS PLANET IS GOING TO COMPLETE ITS
KIND OF UNDERCUTS THE SENSE OF EMERGENCY.
ARE YOU CHOKING?
DON'T WORRY, I KNOW THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER I CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE ,
IN THE COMING WEEKS.
THE PRESIDENT CONTINUED: >> I'LL END BY TELLING YOU
ANOTHER QUICK >> Stephen: I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
(APPLAUSE) PLIESES, LET'S HEAR THIS QUICK
STORY.
>> WHEN WE MOVED FROM SCRANTON, WHEN COAL DIED IN SCRANTON,
EVERYTHING DIED IN SCRANTON.
AND MY DAD WASN'T A COAL MINER.
MY GREAT, MY GREAT GRANDFATHER WAS A MINING ENGINEER.
BUT MY DAD WAS IN SALES, AND THERE WAS NO WORK, SO WE LEFT TO
GO DOWN TO DELAWARE, I TOLD YOU WHERE THOSE OIL PLANTS WERE.
BUT I REMEMBER DRIVING HOE, WHEN YOU TAKE THE TROLLY IN
SCRANTON, GOING OUT NORTH WASHINGTON AND ADAMS AVENUES,
WITHIN 15 BLOCKS -- WE DIDN'T LIVE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, ONE OF
THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS NEIGHBORHOOD IN THE REGION, IN
THE TOWN, WHERE THE SCRANTONS AND OTHER GOOD DECENT PEOPLE
LIVE -- THERE WAS A -- YOU WOULD GO BY A WALL, THAT MY
RECOLLECTION IS WAS SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 15 AND 18 FEET TALL.
AND IT WENT FOR ESSENTIALLY A CITY BLOCK.
AND YOU COULD SEE THE COAL PILED UP TO THE VERY TOP OF THE WALL
FROM INSIDE.
IT WAS A COAL-FIRED PLANT, A COAL-FIRED PLANT, AND ALL OF
THAT -- ALL THE NEGATIVE IMPACTS OF BREATHING THAT COAL AND DUST
WERE AFFECTING EVERYBODY.
BUT AT THE TIME PEOPLE DIDN'T KNOW IT, AND THERE WASN'T ANY
ALTERNATIVE.
>> Stephen: NO DOUBT HE WILL BE FINISHING THAT QUICK STORY, IN
THE COMING WEEKS.
(APPLAUSE) I THINK I'M 79 NOW.
THE PRESIDENT'S DIRECTIVES TODAY LARGELY APPEAR TO PROVIDE MORE
FUNDING TO OR OTHERWISE STRENGTHEN EXISTING PROGRAMS.
OH GOODS BECAUSE WHAT WE ARE ALREADY
BEEN DOING IS CLEARLY WORKING SO WELL.
FOR A QUICK PROGRESS REPORT, LET'S CHECK IN WITH OUR LATE
SHOW CLIMATE CORRESPONDENT IRA THE ICE SHELF.
IRA, HOW ARE THE EXISTING CLIMATE PROGRAMS DOING?
>> WELL, STEVE, WHAT'S HOPEFUL -- I'M KFER DENTS THALT FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT WILL-- AHHHHHHHH!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, IRA.
THANK YOU FOR THAT REPORTS.
WHAT'S THIS, WAIT, WHAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I'M BEING TOLD IN
MY DEAF EAR THAT WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS.
THIS JUST IN, I'M HEARING THAT AT 11:44 PM EASTERN TIME, I AM
SAD TO REPORT THAT ACTOR MIRIAM MARGOLYES SAYS ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER 'DELIBERATELY' FARTED IN HER FACE WHILE FILMING
THE MOVIE END OF DAYS.
I'M SORRY, MY MISTAKE.
WE HAVE BREAKING WIND NEWS.
MAROGLYES EXPLAINED HOW THE HISTORIC SMELT GOT DEALT IN A
RECENT PODCAST.
>> HE FARTED IN MY FACE.
NOW, I FART, OF COURSE I DO BUT I DON'T FART IN PEOPLE'S FACES.
HE DID IT DELIBERATELY, RIGHT IN MY FACE.
I CAN'T REMEMBER THE DATE BUT IT WAS DURING THE FILMING OF END OF
DAYS IN LOS ANGELES AND I WAS PLAYING SATAN'S SISTER AND HE
WAS KILLING ME.
SO, HE HAD ME IN A POSITION WHERE I COULDN'T ESCAPE, AND-
LYING ON THE FLOOR AND HE JUST FARTED.
I HAVEN'T FORGIVEN HIM FOR IT.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: NO, SHE HASN'T FORGIVEEN HIM,
>> Stephen: I CAN'T BLAME HER FOR THAT.
EVERYONE WHO SAW END OF DAYS FEELS LIKE HE FARTED IN OUR
FACE.
THIS STORY IS SHOCKING BUT NOT SURPRISING.
ARNOLD HAS HAD A LONG AND DISTURBING CAREER OF PASSING GAS
IN FRONT OF CO-STARS.
>> ALLOW ME TO BREAK THE ICE.
( LOTS OF VARIED FART NOISES ) >> I'LL BE BACK.
>> SOME OF A BITCH.
( LOTS OF VARIED FART NOISES ) >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE ICE-T AND AUTHOR MICHAEL
POLLAN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THE HOTTEST NEW TREND IS GRANDMAS,
AND THE TREND WOULD LIKE YOU TO KEEP IT DOWN.
WE'LL BE BACK.