-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Thank you for being here. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hot crowd. -Hot.
-Well, it's officially that time of year.
College students are on spring break.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I knew it.
Yeah, it's that crazy few weeks when even Florida is like,
"I got to get out of Florida."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, spring break is here,
but I read that due to inflation,
everything from flights to hotels
to food is more expensive.
Instead of yelling, "We're going to Daytona Beach,"
kids are going, "We're going to Dayton, Ohio."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah, this year instead of a round of shots,
you'll buy one shot and everyone takes a little sip.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of college, March Madness is here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I know.
Do you guys remember Sister Jean?
She's the nun who cheers for Loyola-Chicago basketball team.
She'll be attending this year's tournament at 102 years old.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.
In fact, Sister Jean was just asked about her return.
Check out what she had to say.
She said first, "It's very exciting
to be back in the NCAA Tournament."
Then she added, "I'm #turnt to watch my Gucci fam
pound these dank opps in the paint,
and simp bougie teams like Yale get smoked, no cap."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, she said, "Cuz when it comes to a championship,
I'm low-key thirsty, AF!
Sksksksk! Sheesh!
[ Cheers and applause ] Pumped.
[ Laughter ] Let's get to some news.
This is really exciting. Today the Senate unanimously
passed a bill to make Daylight Savings Time permanent!
Oh! [ Cheers and applause ]
Yes!
I don't think people were this happy
when Pfizer announced they had a vaccine.
[ Laughter ]
Today everyone in the Senate was like, "What happens now?
We've never passed a bill before. This is weird."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, every wall clock said,
"But that's the only time you ever touch me."
[ Laughter ]
Thank you. That's my acting.
That's as good as it gets, sorry.
Some business news -- After more than two years,
Costco is dropping its pandemic shopping hours
that were reserved just for seniors.
[ Audience aws ] Yep.
Costco said, "We feel it's once again safe for seniors
to be stampeded for toilet paper."
[ Laughter ]
Right now seniors are holding free-sample toothpicks
like, "Stay back! Stay back!"
[ Laughter ]
Switching gears, doctors and experts are warning against
a new viral trend of swallowing
fish-tank cleaner to fight aging.
-Ohh. [ Laughter ]
-You know, if that really worked, I think goldfish would
live longer than six days, you know what I'm saying?
[ Laughter ]
Horse dewormer, fish-tank cleaner?
Now when you go to the vet, half the patients are people.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, some people claim it's an anti-aging trick
and it works 'cause you don't age anymore when you die.
[ Laughter ]
Well, last night was part one of "The Bachelor" season finale,
and Clayton's family joined him to talk about his big decision.
The show can be pretty emotional,
so I thought we could help.
Here's that moment, revoiced,
with the least emotional person we know, Siri.
This is "Let's Get Siri-ous."
-Let's get Siri-ous.
-I told myself I'm only going to fall in love with one woman.
I will not allow myself to fall in love with multiple women.
I won't do it. And I fell in love with three.
I wish I never would have fallen in love with three women.
I knew my heart didn't want to do it,
but I allowed my mind to go there.
And now that I'm there, it's like I bleeped everything up.
I don't know how you can be in love with three people.
I love you no matter what happens,
but you screwed the pooch in my opinion.
I'm so broken.
Bha ha ha ha.
Ga ha ha hoo hoo.
-Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally, down in Australia --
we love Australia -- they watch our show.
The prime minister's office, they just released a new logo
for a group called The Women's Network.
Okay, but it was criticized by
pretty much everyone on the Internet.
See if you can figure out why.
[ Laughter ]
I didn't like it at first either,
but it really grows on you. [ Laughter ]
We have a great show, everybody.