YOU KNOW, BREAKING NEWS IS LIKE BREAKING GLASS-- I GET SO
FOCUSED ON GATHERING UP ALL THE BIG CHUNKS, AND I THINK I'M
DONE.
BUT THEN I CUT MY FOOT AND IT GETS WORKED IN THERE AND
UNFECTED.
THEN, I GOT TO GET OUT THE VACUUM CLEANER AND SUCK UP ALL
THE TINY LITTLE NEWS SHARDS I MISSED AND SWEEP THEM INTO THE
GARBAGE CAN THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE IS THE GREAT-- IT SUSTAINS THIS NATION.
MEANWHILE, GOLDMAN SACHS ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THAT IT WILL
BE IMPLEMENTING A NEW "FLEXIBLE DRESS CODE."
WELL, THAT'S NICE.
IT'LL GO WITH THEIR FLEXIBLE ETHICS CODE.
MEANWHILE, SOME AIRLINE PASSENGERS GOT A SURPRISE WHEN
THEY WERE DIVERTED AND THE "AIR CANADA PILOT ORDERED 23 PIZZAS
FOR PASSENGERS STUCK ON THE GROUNDED PLANE."
"UH, ATTENTION, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN
SPEAKING.
ONE QUESTION FOR YOU: WHAT DO YOU WANT ON YOUR TOMBSTONE?
PIZZA!
TOMBSTONE PIZZA!
( LAUGHTER )
"IT IS ELIMINATING ITS TRADEMARK GREETERS."
OH, NO!
NOW HOW WILL I KNOW THAT I HAVE ARRIVED AT WALMART?
( LAUGHTER )
WALMART'S GREETER PROGRAM.
THEY ALREADY JUST LOST ONE OF THEIR BEST GREETERS WHEN BERNIE
SANDERS QUIT TO APPLY FOR SOME OTHER JOB.
(AS BERNIE): "WELCOME TO WALMART, WITH THOUSANDS OF
ROLLBACKS ON ALREADY LOW PRICES.
THOUGH NOTHING LIKE THE CORPORATE TAX ROLLBACK PASSED BY
THE REPUBLICAN CONGRESS, WHICH I VOW TO OVERTURN.
HOUSEHOLD AND PET SUPPLIES ARE IN AISLE TWO."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAS FOUND ASBESTOS IN MAKEUP AT CLAIRE'S."
IT KIND OF SHAKES THE TRUST I PLACE IN THE ORGANIZE THAT DOES
UNREGULATED EAR PUNCHING ON 12-YEAR-OLDS AT THE MALL.
MEANWHILE, IT'S TIME FOR A RARE "MEANWHILE" UPDATE.
THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ON TUESDAY, I BROUGHT YOU NEWS
OF JEREMY TAYLOR AND HIS DOG, ALLY, WHO GOT STRANDED IN THE
SNOW IN HIS CAR FOR FIVE DAYS AND SOMEHOW SURVIVED ON NOTHING
BUT TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS.
WELL, IT WAS ALL WORTH IT, BECAUSE "TACO BELL IS REWARDING
HIM WITH A YEAR OF FREE FOOD."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TO DIE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
INTO THE 2019 IDITAROD, THE DAYTONA 500 OF KIBBLE-FUELED
RACING!
THE IDITAROD, OF COURSE, IS AN ALASKAN DOG-SLEDDING RACE OVER
1,000 MILES LONG.
52 TEAMS COMPETE TO SEE "WHO'S A GOOD BOY?
OR A GOOD GIRL?
BECAUSE IN DOGSLEDDING, WOMEN AND MEN COMPETE SIDE BY SIDE,
THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE.
NO, THERE ISN'T!" THIS YEAR, THERE WAS SOME EXTRA
EXCITEMENT BECAUSE A STRAY DOG JUMPED IN TO JOIN THE 2019 SLED
RACE.
THAT IS FLAGRANT DISREGARD OF THE IDITAROD QUALIFIERS.
DID THIS DOG EVEN PLACE IN THE COPPER BASIN 300?
THE KOBUK 440?
THE TWO RIVERS CHATA-NIKA CHALLENGE?
I DO NOT THINK SO-- OR KNOW WHAT I JUST SAID.
IT ALL STARTED WHEN "TWO RACERS CAME UP TO THE FINGER LAKE
CHECKPOINT, WHERE THE DOG LIVES," AND "HE DECIDED TO JUMP
RIGHT IN, RUNNING 30 MILES OVERNIGHT."
TELL THAT TO YOUR DOG NEXT TIME SHE PLOPS DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF
HER WALK AROUND THE BLOCK.
"GET UP!
YOU SLEEP ALL DAY ANYWAY!" MEANWHILE, IN INVERTEBRATE ASS
NEWS, SCIENTISTS HAVE DISCOVERED "A JELLYFISH-LIKE CREATURE WHOSE
ANUS FORMS ONLY WHEN IT NEEDS TO DEFECATE, THEN DISAPPEARS..
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
ONE OTHER BUTTHOLE THAT COULD DISAPPEAR SO QUICKLY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE SCIENTIST WHO DISCOVERED THE JELLYFISH WAS AMAZED BY THIS
VAMOOSING CABOOSE, SAYING, "IT IS NOT VISIBLE WHEN THE ANIMAL
IS NOT POOPING."
HE WOULD HAVE DISCOVERED IT SOONER, BUT THE JELLYFISH SAID
IT'S REALLY HARD TO GO WHEN YOU KNOW SOMEBODY'S WATCHING.
( LAUGHTER )
HAS A NAME, TOO.
SCIENTISTS CALL IT "TRANSIENT ANUS," WHICH MY RESEARCHER
HERER INSISTS IS THE ONLY REASON WHY "TRANSIENT ANUS" SHOWS UP IN
HIS SEARCH HISTORY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SENATOR CORY BOOKER.