What's my advice to young men seeking a woman for
marriage and family? Yeah. Well, okay, fine. That's the
same ques - second question. That's, that's pretty
straightforward, man. I mean, you can't eliminate the
necessity of being attracted to one another. That's
important. And that's mysterious, you know. Um. So, for
example, here's a funny thing. If you - one of the things
we know that attracts people to one another is bilateral
symmetry. And so if you take men and you rate them by
the symmetry of their faces, and then you give the
asymmetrical men t-shirts to wear, clean t-shirts for a
day, and the symmetrical men clean t-shirts to wear for
a day, and then you give the t-shirts to women and you
have them rate the - the odor, the women rate the odor
of the symmetrical men as more attractive than the
odor of the asymmetrical men. And then, and there are
other, uh, factors, that determine sexual attractiveness
that are based on biological factors that are so - that
deeply embedded, in terms of smell, for example. So,
uh, women also tend to, uh, not be sexually attracted to
the o - to the scent of men whose - who have, if I
remember correctly, it's Rh factors that would make for potential
trouble in childbirth. And the - often the reason that the
women give for not preferring the scent of those men
is that they smell too much like their brother,
something like that. So, there's weird, mysterious things
that determine whether or not people are sexually and
physically attracted to each other, and I think it's very
important that that's part of a marital relationship.
The next most important thing is trust, man. It's like
there's no marriage that's successful without trust.
You guys, you've got to tell each other the truth.
And one of the reasons that Jung believed that
marriage as a - an oath and a -- Carl Jung -- as a bond
was necessary. It's really wise. It's like, you know,
telling the truth to someone is no simple thing because
there's a bunch of things about all of us that are terrible
and weak and reprehensible and shameful and all of
those things and they kind of have to be brought out
into the open and dealt with, and you're not going to tell
the truth about yourself to someone who can run away
screaming when you reveal who you are.
And so the marriage bond is something like, "Okay
here's the deal. I'm going to handcuff myself to you
and you're going to handcuff yourself to me.
And then we're going to tell each other the truth.
and neither of us are going to get to run away.
And so our - once we know the truth, then we're either
gonna live together in mutual torment or we're gonna try
to deal with that truth and straighten ourselves out.
And straighten ourselves out jointly. And that's gonna
make us more powerful and more resilient
and more - and deeper and wiser as we progress
together through life. And, and I think that's absolutely
brilliant. Because if you leave a backdoor open, man,
you're gonna use it, that's for sure. And the oath is there --
and this was Jung's commentary on the spiritualization
of, of the human pair bond by Christian marriage, for
example, which would emphasize, uh, the, the -- what
would you call it? -- the subordination of both members
of the marital union to a higher order, uh, personality
that was embodied in the figure of the Logos.
So the idea is that in an, in an, in the Christian marriage,
for example, the man isn't the boss, and the woman isn't
the boss. The boss is the mutual personality composed
by the seeking of truth in both of them, and that's
conceptualized as their, their joint subjugation to the
Logos. And that is absolutely dead on, man. It's like
the ruler of your marital life should be your vow to tell
each other the truth. Because, like, in hard times during
your life, when you've done something stupid and idiotic
that might take you down, and you don't have anybody
that you can turn to, you know, if you have a partner
that you can trust, you can go say, "Hey, you know, I
made a big financial mistake, man, and it's really
torturing me, and I feel like a complete idiot and it's
really dangerous. And the person there is gonna help
you figure out what to do about it. And they're gonna
know that when they make a stupid mistake -- and
they're bloody well going to -- that they can come and
talk to you, and that you guys are going to work your
way through it. And that's a big deal. And there's a
couple of things our culture gets really wrong, and one
is it devalues marriage. That's really a very bad idea
because marriage is - marriage is like a third of your life
and maybe more. And kids are a third of your life. And
your, your, your life outside of marriage and kids is a
third of your life. You know, approximately speaking.
And to miss any of that is a massive, massive mistake.
Now, having said that, I will also say that for some people
missing one or more of those is necessary, because
they have a reason. You know, maybe they're brilliantly
creative artists, and they need to devote themselves
entirely to their career. Or they're outstanding in some
way and so they can justify the sacrifice of one part of
that triad of being to another part. But for - but generally
speaking, it's a very dangerous thing. And, and, it, it, it
shouldn't be done. And also kids get an absolutely
terrible rap, you know, because kids are delightful if
they're well-behaved. One of the chapters in my new
book is called "Don't Let Your Children Do Anything That
Makes You Dislike Them." And you can do that,
especially if you discuss it thoroughly with your spouse,
your - the person that's helping you discipline the kids.
And children are the best company, because they're
really enthusiastic about everything. They love doing
new things. They really love you, so they're happy that
you're around. Um, all you have to do is make sure
they're not too hot, and they're not too cold, and they've
had something to eat, and they're not too tired, and you
don't expect them to stay engaged in something for
longer than they can manage. 'Cause we used to take
our kids when they were little out to restaurants, for
example, and they could sit there no problem and
behave really nicely when they were two and three. But
they couldn't do it for more than about 45 minutes
You can't push your luck. But I also noticed with little
kids is that they got antsy and unreasonable about five
to ten minutes before the adults did, too. It's just the
adults were too stupid to notice. The kids would notice
right away. So, um. So, back to marriage. Well, you look
for someone that you're attracted to, that you love, and
then you look for someone that you can bloody well
trust. And then you tell them the truth.
And, and that way maybe you can get through life, and
you can have someone to weave the rope of your being
with, and together to make, to make your joint rope
stronger. And you can have some continuity in your
narrative. And you can have children, and then you can
have grandchildren. And, like, you could have a life, man.
And there's nothin' - you're so fortunate if you can
manage that and so - okay, so there's that one.
So, "What's my advice to young men seeking a woman
for marriage and family?" Yeah, well. And also, you
know, marry someone you think would be a good
mother, and that has enough sense, generally speaking,
to know that she wants children. Now some women
don't want children. And fair enough. And some women
perhaps shouldn't have children. That's also possible.
But the general rule of thumb is - especially once a
woman's, you know, in her mid-twenties - if she doesn't
know that she wants children, or won't admit it, unless
she has a viciously important reason, then she's not
oriented properly, psychologically. She, she, she isn't,
she doesn't know what's important in life. Now, that
might also be the case with you. And it probably is.
But as a rule of thumb that's a really good one.