In this video,
I'm going to show you the signs you need to watch out for to indicate that you
might be dealing with a lot of resentment in your relationship and when you can
do to fix that.
And if you're looking for skills or knowledge to empower yourself to fix your
relationship and turn it around,
then subscribe to this channel and make sure to click the bell button as well to
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[inaudible]
and for those of you who are new to the channel, welcome.
My name is Geoffrey and I've dedicated my life's mission to helping you design
your dream relationship.
And in this video I'm going to show you a question that I had from one of my
listeners. And the question goes like this.
What do you do when the smallest things, uh,
makes your partner just go berzerko. For example,
my partner told me to call the vet to schedule an appointment for our dog.
And I did listen to him,
but I was busy that day and I was planning on doing it in the next couple of
days. Well,
my partner came home and asked me if I made that appointment and I said I
didn't. And he went absolutely nuts on me,
blaming me for never listening to him or listening to his suggestions and so on.
What the hell am I wrong? So let's break this down here.
And the first thing I want to show you is kind of a mindset shift.
And I want you to never forget this,
which is the thing is never about the thing. So what the hell does that mean?
So whenever you're a punter and gets mad at you for not doing something or
saying something or you know, mad at you for the small things,
they're not really mad at you at that thing. The thing is never about the thing,
but it's something deeper than that. So for your case, yes,
he might be explicitly saying that he's mad about you not making that
appointment for the vet. But if you peel back the layers behind that,
you'll realize that it's not really about you not calling the vet that something
much deeper than that.
It could be that your punter thinks that they haven't been feeling like they can
rely on you on so many things right now.
They could be thinking and thinking this for a while,
that you're not taking the household responsibilities very seriously.
It could be about the fact that he's not always able to just tell you something
and just forget about it, that he always has to remind you.
He can't really get that off his mind. You know, whatever it is.
I don't know what it is for your relationship,
but you want to find the root core here because once you find the root core,
then you will start to realize that he's, anger does have a lot of sense to it.
It's not just some random outbursts that that's actually a good reason behind
it.
So the only reason why you're so confused right now is that you don't understand
what that core reason is. What does that thing behind the thing?
And the one thing you need to watch out for in this phase is something we call
the fundamental attribution error.
It's when we assign errors and behavior or speech to an error in character.
So we might say for example, that you know,
our partner just has some anger issues that they have difficulties expressing
their thoughts, that he has some control issues, they are impatient,
they want things done an exact way. They're perfectionist, right?
That's just who they are.
And basically we might say a bunch of things to blame his character to say,
you know what, this is how my partner is and I can't really change that.
And the thing is that when you blame something on character like this,
it does nothing good.
Like it doesn't leave you with anything actionable besides you blaming your
telling your partner to stop being so angry. Stop being so impatient.
Stop being such an asshole. That's all you can say.
But there's nothing productive that can come out of it.
And it perpetuates a lot of blame, a lot of bitterness, and he makes you really,
really angry for something that is actually very solvable.
So leave a comment below. Have you tend to do this? If you tend to, you know,
whenever your partner does something bad,
the first thing you think is to blame it, to character, to say, you know what?
That's just my partner's character.
That's just who they are and I can't really change that. So if you do that,
then leave a common below. You know,
this is such a common thing that people do that I'm sure many of you are doing
it. I do it sometimes. So just leave a comment below to tell us like, yup,
I admit it. This is what I do.
And once you can shift your brain away from blaming character here and
understand that maybe there is a good reason why my partner is this way,
why they're behaving this way,
then you can start to investigate the root of this issue here,
which it seems like to me, there's a lot of resentment in this relationship.
So whenever your partner is acting really viscerally,
they're reacting really badly to what seems like a very trivial event,
like a small thing, and they're really raising their voice.
They're really angry is rarely the fact that they're angry that they have some
emotional issues.
But it's always the fact really often the fact that they have some intense
bitterness and resentment that's been pent up for many, many years.
And so whenever some small thing happens, you know,
it's not that small things that triggers them,
but it's the small things on top of this mountain of things that's triggering
them. It just reminds them that, no,
this has been such a problem in our relationship for so long.
I haven't been able to talk about it to resolve it and it's making me pissed
off. Right? That's really the core reason.
And you don't know what this reason is yet,
and that's why you're feeling very confused. You're feeling like, you know what?
My partner's going berzerko over. No reason.
And that's why you're feeling that because you don't understand what that core
reason is and what that core resentment is. So the first thing you want to do,
if you want to fix this, is to start humbling yourself. Really humble yourself.
You know,
get off your high horse and don't say that my partner needs to sort out his
anger issues, you know, is their problem. They're having.
The problem is all about them. Look within as well and say,
what can I do to heal some of those resentments? And a great example of this is,
you know,
my partner would sometimes also get angry at me for some trivial thing.
At first I'll be very confused and I will say like,
why are you so upset over something so simple like me not taking out the trash.
But once I investigate and dig deeper and I discover, you know,
instead of blaming the character,
I realized that it's really not about the trash,
that just really about some imbalanced issue in the relationship. So whenever,
for example, she forgets her chores,
I would call her out on it and get mad at it. But whenever I forget,
she supposed to understand, right? So is that imbalance issue?
That is the core issue. The core resentment here, not the trash,
but I can only understand that core resentment if I investigate deeper.
But if I don't investigate deeper, if I just blame their character,
I will never find what that is ever and will be confused forever and frustrated
forever. And both of you will just be bickering forever.
And so the first step here is to really humble yourself and just get into
discovery mode. And the way you discover is by starting with nonverbal touch.
So if you have been following me for awhile, I'm a big,
big fan of non-renewable touch because when two people are very tense,
it's impossible to have any conversation because emotions will always run high
and it will never ever end well. But when you start with nonverbal touch,
those simply just walk over to your partner.
Even though you feel mad right now and walking over to your partner and just
simply touching him and hugging him, that's not too hard yet is challenging.
But come on,
you can just walk over to your partner and just hold their hands in a very
gentle way. Then once you do that,
you can watch your body and your partner's body soften here.
And once you feel like both of you are soft enough to where you can start a
conversation, then you want to ask a very open ended question.
And you can say something like, you know, I can see you're really mad here.
Can you tell me more about what you're feeling?
And what this does is it allows your partners to start where he wants to start.
You're not asking an assumptive question,
you're not asking a very leading question.
You're asking a very open ended question and it tells your partner that you're
here to discover. And once you ask that question,
your partner will say something. And once they say something,
then you want to follow up with another open ended question. Like, okay,
so you're saying X, tell me more. Or can you tell me more about that?
Can you say more about that? And so on.
And so this invite your partner to dig deeper. And as you dig deeper,
you will start to understand what is the core reason here?
What is the core resentment? What is this really about?
I know it's not really about a vet is, but it's really about something else.
It's something else that you've been keeping as a resentment in yourself for a
very long time. I want to find out what that is. And during this process,
your partner might resist and if you want to understand how to fight through
that resistance,
then you want to watch this video above my head because fighting through
resistance here is very important.
And it's important because that's the way you show your partner,
that you're here to discover.
You're here to really understand because they've been thinking for a long time
that you know what, this is going to be so unresolvable.
And so when you're trying to investigate here,
they're going to feel very suspicious of that. Like what are you trying to do?
Right? So they might resist on their debt suspicion,
but by pushing through that resistance,
you're killing all the reasons for their suspicion.
So you have to fight the resistance. So if you don't know how to do that yet,
then go to that video and watch that video and fall.
And when you're digging here, you want to dig until you find that Eureka moment.
And trust me, like when you find that Eureka moment,
it'll be very obvious to you because you can finally say, Oh,
that's why you're mad. That makes complete sense.
Now that makes complete sense of why the small thing really triggered you
because you will realize that it's not really the small thing,
but it's the big thing underneath a small thing that's been piling up for years
under your radar for a very long time.
And this whole process is like you digging for water.
So as you're digging for water,
you might be very confused for a very long time because you're not finding any
water, but then just one strike, you know,
one question that you ask can really reveal that water and gush that water out
and you'll find it. So as long as you're confused,
as long as you're still angry, you're still confused,
then you haven't dug far enough.
So you want to keep asking those open ended questions until you find that aha
moment and don't up until then.
And if you're looking for a resource that can help you guide this conversation.
So how you can start a conversation, uh,
progress it and end it in a way that allows you to dig really deep and find that
core resentment reason.
Then you want to get access to my four day training series where we'll teach you
exactly that skill. And so if you're interested in getting that,
then you want to click the link in the description box below this video and if
you have more questions,
more concerns about your relationship that you want to address,
then you can also join our free Facebook group where you can post your questions
and actually get good advice on your issues, your questions and so on.
And if you want to join that Facebook group, the link is also below this video.
So feel free to leave a comment below with your questions,
your concerns about your relationship.
And it can be about anything that you're struggling with today.
You're stuck in today.
And I will try my best to respond to those comments as soon as possible.
Or I'll even make a new video out of it if it's a good question.
But in the meantime, if you liked this video and found it to be valuable,
then liked this video and subscribe to this channel for more content like this
one. And never forget that you have the power to transform your relationship by
yourself. So even though your partner has once
nothing to do with fixing the relationship right now, that's okay,
because when you pay attention to what you do,
you can really change things for the better. But with that said,
I will see you in the next video.