- I do freestyle rap.
That's rap that you make up that's improvised.
It's not written or prepared.
It's based on what you want to hear a rap about.
We'll take five suggestions.
And we'll divide you guys up
so everyone gets a fair go. - [Patron] Putin's Penis.
- Is that the second thing?
Did you say Putin's penis?
(audience laughs)
(audience chattering) Hm. Yeah.
No, no, no, Putin's penis I'm good with.
Well, that's the suggestion
from the kind of middle section, I guess.
Let's come to the back of the room.
'Cause you were hollering.
What would you like the suggestion about, back of the room?
- [Patron] Putin's penis! (audience laughs)
- Well, yes.
(audience laughs)
That's, I mean, I'm hesitant to say
that I've taken that already 'cause that's...
(audience laughs)
I like to leave some mystery there.
Yeah. So that's suggestion number one.
Don't worry. Putin's penis will be in the rap.
Back of the room, you can suggest suggestion number two.
What would you like a rap about?
- [Patron] Puppetry.
- Puppetry. Thank you.
Puppetry. (chuckles) That's, yeah.
You don't really think about it much do you?
But, it is still an art. (audience laughs)
Is it an art?
- [Patrons] Prostate exams.
- Prostate exams, okay. Okay.
Well, we've got two more suggestions to fill.
We're gonna come to this side and this side.
We'll come to this side first.
What would you like a rap about?
- [Patron] Billy Joel eating pussy!
- [Patron] Math. (audience laughs)
- So you said math,
and you said Billy Joel eating pussy, oh.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I know. Sorry.
(audience laughs)
The thing is, in my country, math is called maths.
So already you've put my back up.
Whereas, in my country we also say
Billy Joel eating pussy. (audience laughs)
It's the same thing.
And then the final suggestion will come from over here.
What's it gonna be?
- [Patron] Bachelorette.
- Bachelorette?
It's, you know, congratulations,
but it's not the most creative thing, is it?
No, it's not.
It's not beating Billy Joel eating pussy.
(upbeat music)
- [Patron] A Bachelorette cutting her toenails.
(audience laughs)
- Can I just ask, are you with the bachelorette party?
(audience laughs)
- [Patron] Now he is. - Now he is.
Okay. Okay.
A bachelorette cutting her toenails,
Billy Joel eating pussy,
puppetry- - [Patron] Prostate exams!
- yeah, I remembered prostate exams as well,
and Putin's penis.
Alright.
(audience laughs)
Well, I'll try and remember all five of them.
If I forget Putin's penis, then,
I mean, there's gonna be a fucking riot over there.
(audience laughs)
Red and Jeremy, I would love it if you would furnish me
with some musical accompaniment.
They're gonna make up a beat.
I'm gonna make up a rap.
It will be as good as the suggestions, so.
(audience laughs)
(soulful music)
This is beautiful, soulful.
Well, let's do this.
♪ Crazy original, what can you get ♪
♪ Getting drunk at a comedy show, bachelorette ♪
♪ Bunch of ladies ♪
♪ Going crazy ♪
♪ Maybe after ♪
♪ Take the shots of vodka ♪
♪ Causing that disaster ♪
♪ But don't worry, I know my bro will never fail ♪
♪ Down on one knee, not proposing, but toenail ♪
♪ Clipping, taking out a filing, an emery board ♪
♪ He's getting down at the edges, you'll never get caught ♪
♪ In your tights again and start a ladder ♪
♪ When it comes to toenails, there's none badder ♪
♪ Than the guy ♪
♪ Maybe he'll give you a manicure ♪
♪ The man is pretty sure ♪
♪ He'd be down low the on the floor ♪
♪ Like, "Oh, yes, usually I'm so tough" ♪
♪ Masculine, but ask him, the toenail buff ♪
♪ This looks like I'm wanking off a Russian guy ♪
♪ Even though his dick would not be this high ♪
♪ Maybe down here, I see him shootin' ♪
♪ A hand-job mime for Vladimir Putin ♪
♪ Is this illegal, is this a crime ♪
♪ Would he send me to Smolnins to do some hard labor time ♪
♪ In a camp, or just one between the eyes ♪
♪ Putin's penis, said by this guy ♪
♪ That's in your brain, please answer me ♪
♪ Is that some type of twisted fantasy ♪
♪ That you're glad to see ♪
♪ Ever so glad you asked ♪
♪ One plus one ♪
♪ There we go, that's the maths ♪
♪ Number two, moving on from you ♪
♪ Say it properly with mathematics ♪
♪ If I see Billy Joel, yeah, he's got it ♪
♪ Down on the floor, like the guy with the toes ♪
♪ MSG, doing Madison shows ♪
♪ He's at The Garden ♪
♪ You can go and see him play ♪
♪ All the lovely songs that he does and he says ♪
♪ And let me say this, the rap is never planned ♪
♪ The only Billy Joel song I know is "Piano Man" ♪
♪ And no fucking others ♪
♪ I've never even got any knowledge ♪
♪ But still, when he's got his tongue in, I acknowledge ♪
♪ He's a master, he can go left and right ♪
♪ Billy Joel could eat your eat your pussy box all night ♪
♪ Maybe making all the ladies wet ♪
♪ You'd invite Billy Joel to the bachelorette ♪
♪ But it's kind of weird, the irony to say ♪
♪ He eats box, when his initials are BJ ♪
♪ Surely he should suck cock, that's a blowjob ♪
♪ Anyway, puppetry, it's so odd ♪
♪ To see a grown man put the animals on hands ♪
♪ Walking in like, "Yes," I don't understand ♪
♪ "Punch and Judy is truly my passion" ♪
♪ Got a crocodile policeman, they're clashin' ♪
♪ Like bonk, bonk, bonk, he's just used his fingers ♪
♪ If you want to do some puppetry and get it in there ♪
♪ Of course the best puppetry that's so great ♪
♪ Is puppeteer a man when you examine his prostate ♪
(audience applauds and cheers)