D: A one, a two, a one, two, three four
P: Umm.. D: Where's the pen?
Where's the pen?!
P: Where's the pen?!
D: Where's the goddamn pen?!
P: *laughs* I don't know
D: Where the pen is Phil?
P: *laughs* We don't, we don't have the pen.
D: Phil, where the pen is?
P: It's over, it's over, we can't make the video.
D: Pen is where? P: Pen is gone.
D: Oh, sitting on it. P: You had it all along!
D: Pen is under my butt!
Okay. P: Right.
P. I don't want this to be demonetized from YouTube.
I don't want this to be demonetized from YouTube.
D: Woowoo. P: You know what kind of times we're living in.
D: Too late for that.
P: Don't waggle that thing without a license.
Take the sharpie! D: *crying* Nooooooo!
P: Here it comes!
D: That's weird. We made it weird. This whole thing's weird.
P: It's already weird. *laughs* D: And we made it weirder.
Whisk me daddy!
P: No, not this year.
D: *laughs* P: I mean the whisks are over. It's an old meme.
D: *singing* I'm gonna be scraping this off of my face... for weEeEeks!
P: It's a bit lopsided as usual, but I tried.
D: I think you just summed up your whole life there.
P: Ow! That was worse than an injection!
P. Ow! That was worse than an injection!
D: Was it? P: Yes!
D: Oh, yeah... P: They say it's gonna be a little stab.
D: Oh yeah that's like I frickin' pierced your skin with a sharpie. P: Look, I trusted you.
P. This isn't the Sistine Chapel, we've got a limited time Dan.
P. Stop! *laughs* Just do it normally.
D. (good, strong SNIFF) How often do you wash your sheets?
D: (good, strong SNIFF) How often do you wash your sheets?
P: Every morning! Both: *laughs*
P: Why would I need to do it every morning?... I don't wet the bed!
P: Right. D: Put your fricking elbow on the cush then.
P. Right. D. Put your frickin elbow on the cush then.
P. Nothing below the belt. No keys. Wallets on the floor.
D. Keys in a bowl? What?! P. Keys in a- No. I don't know! Right!
D: Ahhhhhhhh! Holding your knee?! What the heck
D. Ahhhhhhhh! Holding your knee?!
P: I'm holding my, you're allowed to hold your knee!
D. I just think I tried harder!
D: I just think I tried harder... P: You distracted me with the knee!
P. You distracted me with the knee!
D. Oh yeah, blame the knee!
Phil: You're allowed to hold the knee!
P. You're allowed to hold the knee!
P. The last message you sent are your last words. How iconic will it be?
P. Mines, "On my way down!" which sounds like I'm going to hell.
P. Mine is, "On my way down!" which sounds like I'm going to hell.
D. On my way down! P. TO HELL D. Very true.
Dan: Very true.
P: Aaand... D: "ask her questions about your pain places and work them."
Both: *laughs* P: What does that mean?
D: Let's- let's just give no context to that. P: Her pain places?
P: What if fish could talk? An example is expected too.
Phil: What if fish could talk? An example is expected too.
D. Wow, do you ever think the sea is just really frickin' boring?
D. Like, it's, it's literally just blue with darkness at the bottom.
D. MY LIFE IS SO BORING!
P. Hey look up there! Are those crabs flying?
D: Yes, because the wha wha where wha they just see the floating crabs do they?
P: Oh, it's the crabs think fish are flying. D: Where's the fish?
D. Yes Phil you SPORK!
P: I was trying to be clever! D: YOU HAD ONE JOB!
*backwards music*
D: You put the FUN in funeral. P: I'll do it.
D: And who's gonna pay for it? P: Watch out.
Make a song to advertise your new tour.
D: *singing* It's the interactive introverts.
If no one turns up our feelings are hurt.
But if you do you'll have a really good time. P: Yeah! Woo!
D: *singing* I don't know how has managed to rhyme.
D: [all in one breath] Please help me. I really wanna stop. This can go downhill very quicklyyyyyyy
P: Just stop, stop, stop, stop, before- that's good!
P. They called me the tie quicksilver at school.
D: I was called Dan "ti-tile" Howell
P: Sonic the Hedgehog more like Phil the tie-tyer
D: That wasn't a pun...
D. You know what they say tie tying and catching are similar...
D. I'll whip...
*dramatic music* P: Ahhh! I'm trying to submit!
P. When I was bad sometimes my dad would just get a belt and go... *belt smacking noises*
P. And I would be scared cause of the loud noise. He would never actually attack me with a belt.
P. It was just the loud noise.
D: That went from, "Oh my god this is really harrowing" to "Wow that was so pathetic" in like five seconds. P: *laughs* I know
P: He just wanted to make a loud bang. We won't include that.
D: *laughs* Whoa, that's going in the bloopers. P: That sounds very weird.
D: Hope you enjoy that danisnotinteresting.
P: You count down.
D: Three. Two.
D. F**king
D. Ummm. P: *laughs*
P. Wait, okay! Hands away from the ties.
*Both laughing as they watch Jughead's "I'm A Weirdo" monologue from Riverdale*
D: F**king.. hell P: You could do that
D: *as Jughead* In case you haven't noticed, I'm a weirdo.
Both: *laughs*
P: Nice
D: Combine three animals together, name it and then make it's sound. Go!
P: Hawk. Turtle. Jellyfish!
D: Known as the...
P: *stutters* Jerturleawk! D: And it goes like...
*The wild Phil Lester is creating a noise, including a purr, a bird noise, and a choking sound but we still love him.*
P. I'm sorry. Go!
D: The dog,
D. Cat,
D. Mouse!
D. It's th- Dat mouse!
P: Ohhhhh, what up! D: And it goes
D: *squeaky voice* Please kill me!
P: We should not make animals.
D: Or videos. P: *laughs*
D: *sings* Hi, my name's Dan, you can see my thigh,
D. Why? I don't know, but he's the guy with his flesh on show, what a hoe
D.That's. Our. Dan.
D. Which form of torture would make them confess everything?
P: I'd put you in a room full of moths and play "Hello Internet" on loop.
D: That's really messed up. That's... I mean... P: *moth noises*
D: How, how can a mind even conjure such twisted imagery? P: *laughs* Mwahaha
P. Thanks Truth Bombs, they were some really great questions
P. Available in stores now
*box crashes on floor*
D: Until you dropped it.
P: You are now aware of your own breathing.
D: Ohhh for God's sake, why would you say that?
P: *heavy breathing*
P. Everything's an effort now.
D: *laughs* This is just, just trynna, you know like a natural nice one just a... P: Stop it!
P: This is a terrible question
D: *laughs* P: Right I need to get you back.
D: Why did you never post it Phil? P: Ah I'm never doing it. D: Smoldering.
D. Okay, yeah, cause everyone else is always like "sun lounge photos" so I was like, "What do I look like?" and I took it
D. and I was like, "the sun is very direct" P: Okay. *laughs* D: This is not flattering.
D. Phil, you're a newscaster and it just got announced that the world is ending! Go!
P: I'm sorry everyone.
P. This is the end.
P. Hug your loved ones,
P. and pray for another world.
D: Wow, you really took that seriously.
D. Okay, I feel a bit intense right now. P: You told me to take it seriously.
D: What are your opinions on Twitter characters now being 280?
P: It hurts my mind but now I can't stop!
D: I, for one, think it's an improvement because it allows people to be more articulate which is useful for
P: *interrupting* Boring question! D: you know, topics such as social issues or politics P: Nooooo!
P: Hey, Dan, Dan, Dan! D: I think I'm lactose intolerant
D. Because I've had enough of your sh*t!
P: Reveal yourself, Dan! *laughs*
D: Okay, firstly, don't say reveal yourself. P: Just do it, just do it!
*G note* D: WHEN I WAS, A- *dramatic crying* P: *laughs*
D: Pick an outfit from- *sneeze*
P: Ohhhh, disease!
D: De-sneeze!
P: Est-ce qu'il y a une fromage? (Is there a cheese?)
J'habite à fromage! (I live in cheese!)
D: J'amore le fromage (I love cheese)
P: Je morte le flomage! (broken: I'm dead cheese!)
D: Flomage? P: FROMAAAGE!
Rrraaaaa! *laughs* Yass!
Did I actually get you? D: *laughs* yeah
P: You went boooooo.
D: I need very expensive hypnotherapy to compartmentalize that, okay?
*high pitched voice, as hypnotherapist* What happened?
*as himself* Well, I was dressed as cheese
P: You gotta have this tattoo for the rest of your life, are you ready for the commitment?!
D: Well, it's in permanent marker so it basically will be on our skintones. P: Exactly. Permanent!
P. Where do you want it? *crickets*
D: Nowhere, at no time.
P: Arm?
*explosion noises*
P: Watch out, Popeye, some new guy's in town.
P: This better not be a penis.
D: Noo, I mean what kind of f**king penis do you have if you think I'm drawing a penis right now?
*funny voice* Is that an iPhone in your pocket or have you got a really weird shaped tumor?
P: Both!
D: Idiot sandwich!
Both: *laughs*
P: What is our lives? D: P-please let go of the bread. Noooo!
Dan, what's under Phil's bed? See yah. Woo! P: Nooo!
D: Aaaah, f**k!
D. It's made of wood! I didn't know that was there!
P: It's made out of wood. D: This isn't soft at all!
P: It's not soft on the edges. D: Aahhhhh
D: I'm going where no person has- Surprisingly not dusty!
P: *offended* I do clean my room!
D: What?! P: *laughs* Wha-what have you found? *intense crescendo*
P: What is it?!
D: Some oversized playing cards and a trowel.
P: I was wondering where this was.
D: Forget this- Why the hell do you have a trowel under your bed?! P: It's for my house plants!
D: Phil, this is the cleanest damn trowel I've ever seen. P: Hey! I did mean to use it once.
D: I wonder why they're all dead.
P: Hold a pen each and perfectly connect their pointy tips together!
D: *laughs*
P: *laughs* What- I got a bit thrusty there, I didn't mean to.
D: Yeah, that's a really bad question to read out while doing that
P: You ready for a tip duel?
D: No.
Phil- okay, this isn't a battle. We are trying to touch them. P: We're trying, yeah.
P: Depth perception.
*dramatic music*
Both: *screams* AHHH!! D: WE DID IT! P: YAY!
D: And that was the lamest reaction to anything that any human's ever had.
P: I didn't think we were going to do it.
D: Dan you're a hamster, Phil you're a gallon of milk. Traumatise us.
P: *laughs* No! 100% No!
P: Choose your fursonas and name them.
*record scratch*
D: W- th- no, no, no, I can't do this right now.
P: Why?
D: This is a serious commitment that we have to take seriously and I just, you know,
I've thought about this a lot but I just don't have one ready to go.
P: I would be a scalie.
D: What variety?
P: Lizard.
D: There's lots of lizards, Phil.
P: Monitor lizard.
D: And what would your name be?
P: Scalie Phil. *laughs*
D: No one would talk to you on Fur Affinity.
P: Oh.
D: Back it up.
P: Right, what am I doing? Flipping it?
I'm ready.
D: *dying of laughter* P: Do it.
D: You have no idea how horrendous this looks.
Give me more of a table.
Okay.
*clicks fingers* Flip it!
*end screen music*