What's poppin', posers?
Now, Transformer gang, hear me out - do you think we're maybe overdoing it on the whole "looking backward" thing?
Like, I know that's kinda what we do, but it feels like it's really kicked into crunch mode!
We got like, the Studio Series and Crossovers and two different Generations generations
all mining their own allocated nostalgia veins for that sweet, sweet, 30-something-40-something comfort cash!
You know, you've seen it. And it's all getting a bit on-the-nose for me, honestly.
'Cos like, even Stan Bush put out a new song just called "The 80s".
I get it! We're hiding from the now! Don't actually say it!
And out of that self same nostalgic noise
comes an extremely unexpected Western-market reissue of an entire 2018 Takara special edition subline
devoted to one particular 20-minute bubble of hurriedly-produced animation from 35 years ago.
That's what it's come to! That's where we're at.
Yes indeed, let's dip into the liquid hot sexpot that is Golden Lagoon Starscream!
God... ugghh, that is awful.
Now then, this glittery git and his opulent entourage
are pretty much a grab bag of late 20teens Generations figures given an AGGRESSIVELY gleamy finish
which, of course, is intended to evoke the 1985 episode, "The Golden Lagoon"
which centered around the standard Transformer squabbling over a precious resource
except this time it was a pond of Electrum, a naturally-occurring golden miracle fluid
which both A: gave the bots the cool shoe shine, and B: made them impervious to laser guns
resulting in a chromed-up consequence-free violence rave with a hefty side of habitat destruction
and ending on a memorable bummer note with the gentle Beachcomber mourning his complicity in such an abhorrent orgy of avarice
and its devastating toll on the natural world.
Can't believe they put politics in it!
So, all right, stick THAT emotion in a box and sell it at a markup.
The perfect toy for our times!
A reassuring tinsely trinket to cling to in the age of climate collapse.
So get that preorder in and let's all suffocate together!
But yes, this is Takara Emmanuel Goldscream in all his gaudy glory,
and clearly the selling point here - nay, the entire point is:
"Oohh, shiny!"
And I suppose it looks sorta snazzy, with an only mildly jarring two-speed come-up
comprising a presumably vacuum-foiled, shockingly shimmery golden coating
alongside a much more muted creamier complement,
so I guess at a glance, it does kinda do its thing as an eye-catching, showy-offy toy room focal point
but how does it stack up for the more hands-on, tactile types? Like, is it actually a good toy?
Does it need to be? Not really! But is it?
...No.
So the figure itself is the Unite Warriors Starscream mould, which is one of a great many variations on Combiner Wars
...I wanna say Skydive?
And as a Combiner Wars design, it is somewhat born of compromise.
He's got like four things he's gotta be, so ironically, it's a little light on polish!
Like, the robot mode's a long hike from any form of elegance,
with that bland, bulky bod built around the barely-contained comboner block.
Articulation's acceptable but clearly wasn't a priority -
like, the legs can pull off some okay posing but they've left these massive empty trenches plainly visible
and I do NOT enjoy that eerily emaciated pelvis.
The shoulders are weirdly wide but can alternate to dumb and droopy,
the gun looks straight-up edible - y'know. Real bare minimum hours.
And like, the finish, it's -
[???????????]
I dunno, man.
There's just such a gulf between the decadent delight of the shinier sections and the soapy sadness of the plain parts!
Like, I get that they couldn't do the coating all over. It's a Transformer, shit's gotta move!
But when the look is the whole point of the thing and it only sorta 40% works,
you gotta ask - was it a good idea in the first place?
...No.
Except the head - the head is dynamite!
It's got the absolute drip with the classic venty cube helmet
and the shithead face looking even shitheadier through a veil of oozing wealth!
That is more Starscream than Starscream!
But what I really wanna know is - why THIS one?
Why choose THIS version of Starscream for the millionaire makeover?
'Cos a lot of the other Golden Lagoon guys - or Lagoonies -
a lot of those guys just have the one modern toy,
like sure, they're a couple of years old but they're still character current and they're still good!
But this is Starscream. He gets ten figures a year and this is one of the few jetformer bodies that doesn't really work for him!
The cockpit's on his back, so that looks wrong AND the body looks wrong,
the wings are the wrong way up, there's no null-rays - the vibe is OFF.
D'you know what I mean!? Why pick THIS one for a special edition standalone release?
And why STILL this one!? We've had at least two dynamite new Seeker squads since the Golden gang came out!
Why would you not update it for the reissue?
And why are we not involving Thrust!? He invented the Golden Lagoon look!
He INVENTED it! What have you done, Derek?
Is it just gonna be actual repackaged unsold Takara stock with a new slip cover?
Ooh, "as released in Japan" - don't actually say it! That makes it tacky!
Yeah, THAT makes it tacky. That's what makes this tacky! It's tack all the way down.
I make myself sick.
Transformation definitely doesn't feel good.
Like, it works! It functions, but it almost feels rude to subject this weirdly mushy plastic to
the kind of forces and frictions involved with actual activity.
Those tabs don't quite wanna click in and I don't think I want 'em to, 'cos they ain't coming back out in one piece!
I feel like I'm being a bother! Sorry! Sorry, Your Majesty.
And the alt mode's mildly passable in that uniquely Combiner Wars kinda way!
Like, it's very nakedly just a clump of crumpled robo matter with the faintest jet plane flavouring layered on top
but y'know, from a certain angle, in a certain light, it does look a little bit spectacular!
'Cos this kind of blanket-finish flat-colour situation actually totally brings out the lines
and accentuates the superb sky guy sculpting
sorta like how those unpainted grey resin prototypes always looked awesome and set your imagination sizzlin'!
It makes the wings pop super hard, it works!
It is hitting! Not very hard, and maybe not in the way it was supposed to, but it IS hitting.
And as for the rest of its gestalty abilities,
it all feels kinda lost.
I mean it's not like you can plug it into a giant golden Combiner, there's no corresponding chrome-plated body,
so the best you can really do is like a regular Special Team superbot with up to two full-sleeve Infinity Gauntlets
which, to be fair, does look pretty baller
and honestly a little bit unnerving, in sort of a greed-fuelled Midas curse kinda way!
And bewilderingly, he can only be an arm, 'cos they gave him one of those shit Power of the Primes hands that can't be a foot!
Why!? I mean, why any of this, but why?
Whyyyyy???
Y'know what's even weirder though, is that this Combiner-type Starscream doesn't come in regular.
Like, it's only ever come out in the Grand Galvatron box set in ghostly transparent spook-o-vision
or through the now-defunct fan club in Shattered Glass Jetfire togs,
or right here, dolled up like a tasteless golden douche.
Like, imagine choosing not to carpet bomb this out as Skywarp and Thundercracker and umpteen others
or even normal Starscream.
And I kinda wish they would, but I get why they didn't!
Combiner Wars was already repaint city, weren't it?
They'd already done the Leader Seeker trio and the Legends fourtet, so it might've been a bit much to do Deluxes as WELL.
Just put out a full Seeker squad in every size class, all on the shelves all at once!
Better not, I get it, we'll let it go.
Just let me make a whole Combiner out of Skywarps, you cowards!
Sorry, what are we doing? Is this a recommendation? Do you need one?
I feel like this is the kind of thing that you already know if you want it.
I can't imagine there'll be much casual interest in these Knights of the Gold Republic.
I mean, for a release with such an emphasis on aesthetics, they definitely picked an ugly-ass figure for it!
Although, who am I to talk about ugly-ass figures?
I just wish they'd gone harder on the gold!
I feel like we could have forgiven droppin' a bit of functionality to really drench the look. Proper head-to-toe this bitch!
Maybe try it with some of those RED things. Really lock 'em up. Turn 'em into trophies!
And I suppose we better address the final level of bamboozlitude that the golden robot situation always invites.
So I know what you're thinking - do these golden gods suffer from the same built-in blight
that plagued poor Thunder Clash and so many of his generation?
Uhhh, dunno. Takes a minute to set in, don't it? I'd be stunned if they hadn't figured out the formula by NOW.
But listen, man - you really want it to last forever? You want ANYTHING to last forever? In THIS economy?
What d'you expect from a figure based on that downer-ass episode?
Has there ever been a story about gold that WASN'T cautionary?
Starscream is beautiful and it will die, whether by the sword or the slow decay of time.
This is an idol of the unbearable impermanence of perfection; a monument to fleeting prosperity and the hideous price it demands.
Or it isn't!
Maybe it's just a dumb expensive collectible that's dumb and it looks dumb and if you want one then you're dumb.
It's either meaningful or its not. Pick a lane.
But as for me, I'm gonna keep this thing on my desk and I'm gonna look at it every day, and I'm gonna live my ass off.
I should call mum.
Anyway, big thanks to Jake and Anna for hookin' us up out of the blue last year!
Stay gold, pony boy!
And woman.
Always believe it!
God, very croaky this week. Dunno what's gone on there.
But thank you for watching! Hope I didn't bum you out too much.
And mega thanks this time to one Mr. Dave Rex! A true king. OK, laters.
Be sure to subscribe for more Thew's Awesome Transformers Reviews.
Robocentric vocabugasm.