the hardest part about my day is around
1:00 p.m. when Andy is a hormonal team
I'm trying to teach him algebra but he
keeps calling me a
hi I'm Kellen row maker my job at Conan
is to raise Andy Richter from a baby to
an adult man every day every morning at
9:00 a.m. sharp a baby Andy Richter is
left at the Conan Studio door gosh baby
don't touch him
that's gonna be you in a few hours my
first tasks are to feed and burp em it's
the only time I get a chance to catch up
on emails because by 10:00 a.m.
he's already 5 years old and he is a
handful Andy Andy come on remember what
we learned about sharing so we're on the
show jamming a lifetime of knowledge
into the 7 hours that I have before show
time can be tough it's hardest around
midday when Andy is a teenager dude this
stuff blow gotta know this Pandi here's
the script for tonight's sketch I need
you to sign off this has the
f-word in it for Christ's sake
Vivian's 14 you got a show to do
I'm back what he's 18 minutes mister I
made a poopie in my pants ah damn it
Andy
sometimes to make a life lesson sink in
I have to be firm with Andy Andy Andy
remember what we learned about sharing
no give me
you know maybe these burnouts can waste
away their lives well you got to be on
TV and aged 30 years in four hours you
know you're grounded until 2:00 p.m.
that means I miss my rehearsal in my
entire 20 I don't care you want but in
the end it's all worth it when the show
tapes at 4:30 Andy has grown up to be
the middle-aged man with the devilish
whip we all know and love I'm gonna do a
show now guys all right hey just
remember what I taught you and you're
gonna be great
okay thanks yeah listen I'm sorry that I
yelled at you earlier cuz you wouldn't
let me sleep over at my friend Jaden's
house cuz he's 14 I'm 53 okay I get it
you do get it yeah it's weird
don't show all right have a good one my
stomach is always in knots during the
taping you know if Annie screws up
guess who colon comes screaming to or
anybody we are back I am very excited
tonight because our first guest is just
terrific rocketed to fame in Sisterhood
of the hey Andy can I get some gum -
come on ray my mother Sharon listen
yes yes Andy Richter for the shear it's
never perfect
but every night when we get through the
show without the viewer ever realizing
that just a few hours before Andy was
vomiting up pee mush on my shoulder I
remember I had the best job in the world
you're going to be that guy no I don't
want to mister what a sex feel like if
you have a good show I'll tell you come
on Kalin let's go do that get off damn
it
Wow I made a poopie in my pants my
previous job was at a slaughterhouse
killing cows left and right left and
right
[Applause]