>> Stephen: HEY, THERE YOU GO!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT IS THE VERY LAST "LATE SHOW" IN QUARANTINE.
ON MONDAY, I'LL BE BACK DOWNSTAIRS IN THE ED SULLIVAN
THEATER FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
IT WILL BE MY FIRST TIME IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE IN
460 DAYS.
GOSH, I HOPE I STILL REMEMBER HOW TO FEEL VALIDATED BY A
CHEERING CROWD.
POINT IS, YOU MADE IT, AMERICA.
AFTER 15 MONTHS OF QUARANTINE, LIKE CICADAS, WE'RE ALL
RE-EMERGING INTO THE SUN, AND WILL SPEND THE NEXT TWO WEEKS
MAKING WEIRD NOISES AND HAVING SEX 'TIL WE DIE.
I'M BEING FACT-CHECKED ON SOME OF THAT.
BY MY PRODUCER AND WIFE RIGHT OVER THERE.
NOW, LEAVING THIS STORAGE ROOM IS A LITTLE BITTERSWEET.
SWEET BECAUSE I GET TO LEAVE.
BITTER, BECAUSE AFTER TEN MONTHS OF PURELLING, EVERYTHING TASTES
LIKE A DOCTOR'S OFFICE.
THERE ARE SOME THINGS I'LL MISS ABOUT THIS STUDIO.
LIKE YOU, SILENCE.
GOT ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME BEFORE I GO?
WELL, I HATE YOU, TOO.
PEOPLE ARE ALSO TRAVELING AGAIN.
FOR INSTANCE, ONE SENIOR TOURIST IS SEEING THE SIGHTS OF EUROPE.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT JOE BIDEN.
HE WAS IN THE U.K. TODAY, MEETING BRITISH PRIME MINISTER
AND REAL BOY WHO WISHED TO BE A SCARECROW, BORIS JOHNSON.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN AWKWARD, CONSIDERING THAT, DURING THE
ELECTION, BIDEN CALLED JOHNSON A "PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL CLONE"
OF OUR LAST PRESIDENT.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
HE'S REALLY MORE OF A VESTIGIAL TWIN.
BUT THE LEADERS GOT PAST IT AND ANNOUNCED WHAT IS BEING BILLED
AS A RENEWAL OF THE ATLANTIC CHARTER.
AWW, THEY'RE RENEWING THEIR VOWS!
IT'S GOING TO BE A SMALL CEREMONY ON THE BEACHES OF
NORMANDY, ONLY OUR CLOSEST ALLIES, PLEASE R.S.V.P. SOON,
AND LET US KNOW WHETHER YOU WANT CHICKEN, FISH, OR THE LINGERING
RAVAGES OF COLONIALISM.
THE ORIGINAL ATLANTIC CHARTER WAS A DECLARATION OF POSTWAR
COOPERATION THAT WAS SIGNED BY CHURCHILL AND F.D.R., AND THE
NEW VERSION STATES THAT THE DEMOCRATIC MODEL IS "THE RIGHT
AND THE JUST AND THE BEST" ONE FOR CONFRONTING THE WORLD'S
CHALLENGES.
YES, EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU NEED TO REMIND YOURSELF OF
THE THINGS THAT SEEM OBVIOUS: DEMOCRACY IS GOOD, PIZZA IS
TASTY, AND "UPTOWN FUNK'S" GOING TO GIVE IT YOU.
DON'T BELIEVE ME?
THE TWO LEADERS GOT ALONG FAMOUSLY, AND POINTED OUT
SOMETHING THEY HAVE IN COMMON: >> I TOLD THE PRIME MINISTER WE
HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON.
WE BOTH MARRIED WAY ABOVE OUR STATION.
>> I AM NOT GOING-- I'M NOT GOING TO DISSENT FROM THAT ONE.
OR INDEED ON ANYTHING ELSE.
I THINK IT HIGHLY LIKELY.
>> Stephen: (AS BORIS JOHNSON) "I'M NOT GOING TO DISSENT FROM
THAT ONE.
MY WIFE, AND WOMEN IN GENERAL, FIND ME REPULSIVE.
FEEL FREE TO INSULT ME MORE.
CALL ME A CHUNKY MONKEY.
SAY I LOOK LIKE PIERS MORGAN'S CORPSE THAT WAS FISHED OUT OF
THE THAMES.
I NEED THIS TRADE DEAL!
NO ONE IN THE E.U. WILL TALK TO ME, AND I JUST FOUND OUT
BRITAIN'S AN ISLAND.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?" WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, BORIS?
BIDEN'S BETTER HALF, DR. JILL BIDEN, DID ACCOMPANY HIM TO
EUROPE.
LAST NIGHT, THE FIRST LADY ADDRESSED THE TROOPS AND THEIR
FAMILIES STATIONED AT A BRITISH AIR BASE, AND MADE IT CLEAR
WHO'S THE BOSS.
>> JOE AND I ARE ALWAYS EXCITED TO VISIT WITH OUR TROOPS AND
THEIR FAMILIES.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN SIT DOWN.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO STAND THROUGH--
[LAUGHTER] JOE, PAY ATTENTION.
[LAUGHTER] OH, SO SHE IS A TEACHER.
THAT IS SO NICE.
IT'S REFRESHING THAT THE FIRST COUPLE COMMUNICATES
WITH SOMETHING OTHER THAN A HAND-SWAT.
THEN, IT WAS JOE'S TURN TO ADDRESS THE TROOPS, AND HE
PREVIEWED HIS ITINERARY: >> THIS IS MY FIRST OVERSEAS
TRIP AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
I AM HEADED TO THE G-7, AND THEN TO THE NATO MINISTRIAL, AND THEN
TO MEET WITH MR. PUTIN, TO LET HIM KNOW WHAT I WANT HIM KNOW.
[APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: WOULD YOU LOOK AT
THAT?
TURNS OUT, THE TROOPS ENJOY HAVING A COMMANDER IN CHIEF
WHO'S FIGHTING ON THEIR SIDE.
THE PRESIDENT SAID THE STAKES COULD NOT BE HIGHER:
>> HERE'S WHY THIS ALL MATTERS SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.
I BELIEVE WE'RE IN AN INFLECTION POINT IN WORLD HISTORY.
WE HAVE TO DISCREDIT THOSE WHO BELIEVE THE AGE OF DEMOCRACY IS
OVER.
>> Stephen: I AGREE.
SO STOP TRYING TO NEGOTIATE WITH THEM ON AN INFRASTRUCTURE BILL!
WHILE IN THE U.K., PRESIDENT BIDEN MADE A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.
>> TODAY WE ARE TAKING A MAJOR STEP THAT WILL SUPERCHARGE THE
GLOBAL FIGHT AGAINST THIS PANDEMIC.
THE UNITED STATES WILL PURCHASE A HALF A BILLION DOSES OF
PFIZER'S COVID-19 VACCINE TO DONATE TO NEARLY 100 NATIONS
THAT ARE IN DIRE NEED IN THE FIGHT AGAINST THIS PANDEMIC.
>> Stephen: BIDEN JUST PROVED HE'S IRISH.
HE'S ON VACATION, FEELIN' GOOD, BUYING EVERYBODY A ROUND OF
SHOTS!
SINCE THEY'RE BUYING IN BULK, THE GOVERNMENT WILL PAY FOR THE
DOSES AT A "NOT FOR PROFIT" PRICE.
WHICH MEANS EVERY DOSE COMES WITH A FREE "THIS AMERICAN SAVED
YOUR LIFE" TOTE BAG.
THE REST OF THE WORLD REALLY NEEDS THAT VACCINE.
ESPECIALLY JAPAN.
WE ARE JUST OVER A MONTH AWAY FROM THE TOKYO SUMMER OLYMPICS
AND I CANNOT WAIT TO HAVE A THE POLE VAULT.
I'M TELLING YOU, ARMAND DUPLANTIS FROM SWEDEN IS GOING
TO TAKE IT ALL!
GO MONDO!
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
BUT THERE'S A SHADOW OVER THE GAMES, BECAUSE TOKYO IS
CURRENTLY UNDER A STATE OF EMERGENCY AS A RESULT OF
INCREASED COVID CASES.
AND IT'S TOUGH TO KEEP TRANSMISSION DOWN DURING THE
OLYMPICS, UNLESS THEY INTRODUCE SOCIALLY-DISTANCED ROWING.
TO KEEP THE ATHLETES HEALTHY, THE TOKYO ORGANIZING COMMITTEE
IS CONSIDERING SOME NEW RULES, INCLUDING A BAN ON ALCOHOL IN
THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE.
NO ALCOHOL?
WHAT ARE THE OLYMPIANS EVEN GOING TO TALK ABOUT SOBER?
(AS ATHLETE) "SO...
UH...
WHAT DO YOU DO?
THROW A HEAVY BALL?
THAT'S COOL.
I RUN REAL FAST WITH A STICK.
MORE SNAPPLE?" BUT OFFICIALS UNDERSTAND THERE
MIGHT BE LIMITATIONS TO THE BAN, SAYING, "IN THE CASE THAT THEY
WERE TO DRINK INSIDE THEIR OWN ROOMS, CAN WE PROHIBIT THAT?
THAT'S NOT CONCEIVABLE.
IT WOULD BE VERY DIFFICULT TO DO SO."
SO, DON'T WORRY.
THE OLYMPIC R.A. IS COOL.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO PARTY IN YOUR ROOM, JUST ROLL UP A GYMNAST AND
WEDGE HIM UNDER THE DOOR.
SPEAKING OF EPIC QUADRENNIAL CONFLICTS, THE NEW YORK MAYORAL
PRIMARY IS LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AWAY, AND THERE'S A NEW
CONTROVERSY SURROUNDING THE FRONTRUNNER, BROOKLYN BOROUGH
PRESIDENT AND CARDBOARD CUTOUT BLOCKING TRAFFIC, ERIC ADAMS.
ADAMS IS FACING ALLEGATIONS THAT HE MAY POSSIBLY LIVE IN NEW
JERSEY.
WELL, THAT'S NOT SO BAD.
GIULIANI WAS MAYOR OF NEW YORK, AND HE'S A FULL-TIME RESIDENT OF
CRAZYTOWN.
ADAMS CLAIMS THAT HIS PRIMARY RESIDENCE IS IN THE
BEDFORD-STUYVESANT SECTION OF BROOKLYN,
BUT HE ALSO CO-OWNS A CO-OP IN FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY.
HE'S DOUBLE-DIPPING!
YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU DIP INTO NEW JERSEY OR
YOU'LL EMERGE SOAKED IN GAS STATION COLOGNE.
SO, HE MIGHT LIVE IN BED-STUY, OR HE MIGHT LIVE IN NEW JERSEY.
OR NEITHER.
BECAUSE, TO MAKE MATTERS WEIRDER, ADAMS ALSO MOVED INTO
BROOKLYN BOROUGH HALL FOR A TIME AFTER THE PANDEMIC HIT.
YES, WHILE THE REST OF US WERE WORKING FROM HOME, ERIC ADAMS
WAS HOMING FROM WORK.
NOW TO CLEAR UP THE CONFUSION, ADAMS INVITED REPORTERS FOR A
TOUR OF HIS BED-STUY APARTMENT, POINTING OUT THE "SMALL, MODEST
KITCHEN" AND "SMALL, MODEST BATHROOM."
OKAY, BUSTED.
HE HAS A SMALL, MODEST KITCHEN AND A SEPARATE SMALL, MODEST
BATHROOM?
REAL NEW YORKERS KNOW YOUR KITCHEN IS ALSO YOUR BATHROOM IS
ALSO YOUR OFFICE IS ALSO YOUR ROOMMATE'S CRY SPACE.
THE TOUR ONLY MADE THINGS WORSE FOR ADAMS, BECAUSE IT LED MANY
TO SPECULATE THAT IT'S ACTUALLY HIS SON WHO LIVES THERE.
FOR EXAMPLE, ADAMS IS A VEGAN, BUT THE TOWNHOUSE FRIDGE LOOKED
LIKE THIS-- SALMON, GROUND MEAT, AND AN
EMPTY BRITA?
THAT IS NOT THE FRIDGE OF A VEGAN!
IT'S ALSO NOT THE FRIDGE OF A GROWN MAN.
LADIES, IF HE BRINGS YOU OVER AND YOU SEE THIS, HE'S EITHER
ABOUT TO MURDER YOU OR MAKE YOU WATCH HIM PLAY VIDEO GAMES.
EITHER WAY, GET OUT OF THERE!
HERE'S WHERE THE WEIRDNESS GETS EVEN STRANGER.
A FEW YEARS AGO, ADAMS POSTED THIS PHOTO OF HIS BED-STUY
FRIDGE, WHICH LOOKS VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE ONE REPORTERS
SAW YESTERDAY.
THE FRIDGE ON THE RIGHT LOOKS LIKE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE
FRIDGE ON THE LEFT LOSES EVERYTHING AT THE HORSE TRACK.
AND THE WEIRD STRANGENESS GOT EVEN ODDER WHEN HE BROUGHT
REPORTERS INTO HIS BEDROOM, BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE QUICK TO
POINT OUT THAT THE SHOES IN ADAMS' SUPPOSED BEDROOM LOOK
LIKE THEY BELONG TO HIS SON.
REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS HEMINGWAY STORY: "FOR SALE.
BABY SHOES.
NEVER WORN.
ACTUALLY, WORN ONCE BY ERIC ADAMS, TO PROVE HE DOESN'T LIVE
IN NEW JERSEY."
WAIT, JIMMY, CAN WE GO BACK TO THAT PHOTO OF ADAMS' SON?
ZOOM IN.
FLIP IT!
HE'S WEARING A "LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT" T-SHIRT!
WAIT A SECOND!
THAT'S OUR BELOVED FORMER INTERN JORDAN COLEMAN!
I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID!
ERIC ADAMS DEFINITELY LIVES IN NEW YORK!
BECAUSE IT IS FAMOUSLY A REQUIREMENT THAT THE DADS OF ALL
"LATE SHOW" INTERNS MUST RESIDE WITHIN THE CITY LIMITS.
RIGHT, INTERNS?
WHERE DO YOUR DADS LIVE?
(CROSSTALK) >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT!
NEW YORK CITY!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING WITH U.S.A.I.D.
ADMINISTRATOR SAMANTHA POWER, AND SETH ROGEN WILL BE TAKING
THE "COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE."
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE VERY LAST QUARANTINE-WHILE.
STICK AROUND.