- The Oscars was amazing.
No, genuinely, it was my first time there.
Eternally grateful to anyone who made it happen.
I was in heaven.
I was, like, this is genuinely insane.
Everyone tries to act fancy about it.
I see people tweeting all the time like,
"Oh, nobody cares about the Oscars, who cares?
"I don't care about the, I don't care."
And then it's like, "Helen Mirren, was that Helen Mirren?
"Oh my god, Daniel Craig!
"I care now, I care."
People try and act cool all they want, man.
No matter who you are in the world you watch movies.
Do you know what I mean?
Movies that'll make you happy, movies that'll make you sad,
these people you see them as part of your life,
you've grown up with them, then you see them in person,
it's a magical experience.
It genuinely is.
Like, the event was amazing,
and there's all these after-parties that come afterwards.
And I didn't know about these things.
So it was like, there's the main event,
and then there's the first after-party,
and there'll be the next after-party,
it's called the Vanity Fair After-Party,
and it's super, super exclusive and the you go there.
So we get there,
and this is also where you see levels of fame and stuff,
which I really love,
'cause we're all standing in line,
everyone there has achieved something in some way,
you know what I mean?
So I'm standing there, it's myself, it's Terry Crews.
You're standing in the line with people, people knows,
you know what I mean?
It's Keegan-Michael Key, there he is, it's like,
"Yeah, we've done stuff, you know us."
And then we're moving forward and then they stop us.
"Please move aside! (audience laughs)
"Jennifer Lopez is coming through."
(audience laughs)
And literally we're all like, "Sorry, sorry, sorry.
"Sorry."
And J-Lo walks in and she goes and she stands,
and this was the funniest thing,
'cause there's all these photographers
taking pictures, right?
And they're, like, taking pictures of us
while we're standing there, and then when J-Lo comes,
it's almost like the photographers
wished they could un-take our pictures.
(audience laughs)
Like they wish they could be like,
"I wish I hadn't wasted any battery on these men."
I don't know if you saw the pictures of her,
she had like this glitter ball gown thing,
it was mirrors, it was reflecting.
So she's walking through and everyone is like,
"She looks stunning."
Everyone just wanted a picture of her,
we didn't exist anymore as people, as anything.
Even my iPhone started deleting my own pictures by itself.
It was just like,
"No, no, make space, take pictures of J-Lo."
I was like, "This is my family!"
"Screw your family, Trevor. (audience laughs)
"Take pictures of J-Lo."
So that was one after-party.
And then,
in my opinion, probably the best after-party of the night
was the Jay-Z, Beyonce after-party.
(audience cheers) Yeah.
And it's like the coolest thing ever.
There's no social media, there's no anything,
just people having a great time,
and everyone just having fun.
But again, it's a little weird,
'cause if you're not used to it,
there are moments when you go, "This is surreal."
'Cause one moment I'm on the dance floor.
I'm dancing, 'cause the deejay Black Coffee was there,
South African deejay, amazing.
So I'm dancing, I'm like, "Yeah, South Africa!
(audience laughs) "South Africans."
And then Usher comes onto the dance floor
and he's like, "Let's dance."
And it's like, "No. (audience laughs)
"No.
"No, Usher, no, you're a professional, no."
The rest of us are just like, "Hey."
And then Usher's like, "Move, move, to the other one,
"to the thing, do it all, yeah, bam."
And it's like, no,
there should be a professional dance floor,
and then a dance floor for the rest of us.
(audience laughs)
The rest of us is like making our bodies move
and Usher's dancing. (audience laughs)
It's like, what's next, karaoke with Beyonce?
No, it's not fair. (audience laughs)
It's not fair.
You go dance over there.
And speaking of, Beyonce and Jay just sweetest,
nicest people ever.
This was the weirdest moment of my night
and maybe my life.
I'll see where I categorize it.
I'm on the dance floor,
everyone's having a good time,
and then Beyonce starts walking in my direction.
So I'm like, "Oh, I should move."
(audience laughs) Right?
'Cause it's Beyonce.
Where she is going is not to me.
So I'm like "I must move, it's Beyonce."
And I also do not want the Beyhive coming after me
'cause they're like, "Yo, you blocked Beyonce's path."
(audience laughs)
I don't wanna be involved in this.
So she walks towards me,
so I turn to move out of the way.
But it turns out she was coming to say hi,
she says hi to everybody.
Just like a nice hi.
You'd think she'd be sitting in a box waving, no!
She's saying hi, and she's really cool,
and she comes over to say hi,
but now I'm moving away from her,
and she's trying to come and hug me and say hi,
and then I realize I'm making Beyonce do this weird move.
And I'm like, "I'm sorry, Beyonce, I'm so sorry."
(audience laughs)
If it never happens again it's fine, I'm done.
The NAACP Image Awards were super amazing this weekend.
Some of the most fun I've ever had.
Jay-Z and Beyonce attended, which is always,
anywhere they go,
I've seen presidents that have less security than them.
(audience laughs)
Literally they arrived and it was like royalty.
And it's a room full of movie stars,
and TV actors, and musicians,
and Jay-Z and Beyonce come in and everyone's just like,
"Shh." (audience laughs)
And they go and they sit in the front row
and we're all behind them, and everyone's looking over.
Everyone in the back is almost like,
"Breathing the same air, breathing, breathing the same air."
This was honestly one of my favorite moments in life,
and I will cherish until I die.
So at the end of the awards,
so Jay-Z was the recipient of the president's award
for all the work that he's done
with criminal justice reform,
he's done amazing job fighting to reform
mass incarceration in America.
And Beyonce is up for the final award of the night,
which is Entertainer of the Year.
So she might go up and then receive her award,
and so there's gonna be a whole thing when she goes,
is she gonna leave, is Jay-Z gonna stay?
So she wins, right?
She's Beyonce, she wins.
So she goes up, and she receives her award,
and then she leaves backstage,
but Jay-Z's still sitting in the front row.
And his security I guess didn't realize that the show
was gonna end as abruptly as it did.
So his bodyguards are standing at the edge of the theater
where we're at, and we're in the middle of the theater.
And then Anthony Anderson comes out and he's like,
"All right, good night, everybody,
"that's the show, goodbye."
And that was it.
So everyone just stands up,
and they just bum-rush the stage,
and then everyone just rushes to Jay-Z
'cause they're like, "It's Jay-Z!"
Everyone rushes towards him.
Now, I'm trying to get out.
'Cause if you've ever left.
You know when you leave an event there's gonna be chaos,
it doesn't matter celebrity or not, traffic is traffic.
So I'm like I wanna leave.
So I see Jay-Z.
And now Jay-Z's getting mobbed.
Like, he wants to push his way out,
and the bodyguards wanna push,
but you're jammed 'cause everyone's leaving that way.
And Jay-Z can't push the people 'cause he's Jay-Z.
Right?
You can't push people when you have a billion dollars.
Everything is a lawsuit waiting to happen, you can't.
So he has to keep his arms by his side.
So I run up to him and then I'm like, "Jay!"
And he turns and his eyes light up, and he's like,
"Oh, Trevor, what's up?"
And I was like, "Oh, he remembers me, thank god."
(audience laughs)
'Cause it's not like we're friends, I just know him.
So I'm like, "Oh, yes, it's me."
And I was like, "Are you okay?"
He's like, "My bodyguards."
And then I was like, "All right, just walk."
And he's like, "What?"
I'm like, "Just walk."
And I don't even know why, I grab the back of his jacket,
and I push him through the crowd,
and I put my head down behind him,
and people like trying to come,
and I just started going,
"We gotta move, people, we gotta move, people.
"We gotta move, people.
"A-yo, Jay, we gotta keep moving, we gotta keep moving.
"Sorry, no selfies, we gotta keep moving, y'all.
"We gotta keep moving, y'all."
And people were like, "Jay-Z, can I get a selfie?
"Jay, can I get it?"
And I'm like, "No, no selfies, people.
"Everybody we gotta keep moving.
"Sorry, Jay, we gotta keep moving, Jay."
And I literally push him through the crowd,
and we barrel through.
Then we get to the other side and the bodyguards are there,
and they start clearing the sides,
and then I'm clearing the back.
People are trying to come from the back and I'm like,
"No, we gotta keep moving, no selfies."
And no one sees it's me,
'cause why would you think that I'm pushing Jay-Z.
(audience laughs)
So no one is like, "Is that Trevor Noah behind?"
No.
So I'm just there behind him,
"We gotta move, Jay-Z, we gotta move, Jay.
"Sorry, ma'am, no selfies.
"We gotta move, we gotta move, we gotta get him outta here."
'Cause the guy's gonna get mobbed so he's pushing.
And then the security guards, the most amazing thing,
they're walking together,
and I guess there were two,
one was suppose to be ahead of him
and one's supposed to be behind him,
but there's a moment when they look at each other like,
"Wait, if you're here." (audience laughs)
And so then,
there's a panic and the one turns,
and then he sees that I'm pushing Jay-Z,
and this guy he just came over,
he was going to break me. (audience laughs)
It was like slow motion.
He turned and he comes and I'm like, "Jay-Z, I'm sorry!"
And he comes, and then as he grabs, Jay-Z's like,
"No, man, he's doing a great job, man, let's go."
And then I just carried on rolling with Jay-Z,
just like pushing him, walking ahead, just like,
"No, no, no pictures, no."
I was like Jay-Z's security the whole way through,
and then we went into a secret exit
where they leave out of.
I feel like they built a basement for them.
'Cause that's not how I came in, we came in on the streets.
And then I was, "Where are we?"
And we just keep moving, just keep moving,
and then he jumped in the car and then he turned,
he was like, "That was amazing, baby.
"We gotta do it again sometime, baby, that was amazing."
(audience laughs)
And then I was like, "Yes!
"I'm Jay-Z's security. (audience applauds)
"I made it!"
Bill Gates was hosting his Goalkeepers event in New York,
and so he invited me to come and speak.
They're doing some amazing things,
not just the organization, the people they're supporting.
And I get to the event and I speak for 10 minutes,
and I get off stage and, like, waving at the crowd.
And I'm walking backwards off the stage,
moving to the backstage area,
and then I crash into a person.
And as I crash into them I see the eyes of people
looking at me,
and everyone's like, "Oh, shit, what have you done?"
(audience laughs)
And I'm like, "Calm down, humans bump humans all the time."
And I turn and the person I bumped into was Barack Obama.
(audience laughs) Yeah.
But physically, like, when I say bump, I mean like bump!
You know?
So I turn and he's like, "What is that?"
But literally his hands are up and then he's like,
"Watch where you go." (audience laughs)
He says, yeah, he says, "Watch where you walk."
And so I turn and I'm like,
"Ay, man, I'm walking over here."
(audience laughs)
And you should've seen everyone's face.
They were like, "Oh shit!"
"Cause I think they thought I didn't recognize him
or I didn't know who he was.
You could see people like,
"That's the President of the United States of America!"
And I was like, "Yo, man, calm down."
And so I was like, "Yeah, how are you Mr. President.
"I haven't seen you in awhile."
Then he's like, "Doing good, how ya been?
"You good?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I'm doing good."
And I'm looking at his face and I didn't intend this,
but I'm looking into his eyes and I'm speaking to him,
and in that moment he's looking really, really good.
Like his skin is looking fuller.
Do you know what I mean?
No, he just doesn't stressed as he was.
And so it slipped out, I didn't plan it at all,
so I'm speaking to him, he's like "How you doing?"
And then he says that and I was like,
"You're looking cute, Mr. President."
(audience laughs)
And he goes, "Well thank you, thank you."
And I was like, "No, no, I meant you look good."
When is my mom gonna be on the show?
(audience applauds)
Never.
Here's the thing with my mom, two things,
one, she has no interest in television
or any of these things that I do.
She just loves the fact that I can pay the rent,
and she loves me for who I am.
She genuinely does not care for all of these things.
I'll give you an example.
This is how not interested in it my mom is.
All right?
My mom two and a half years ago
I met Lionel Richie for the first time.
And growing up Lionel Richie was the soundtrack
to me and my mom's lives.
So Sunday morning she'd be playing "Sunday Morning,"
the two of us would be there, we'd be dancing together,
play all of Lionel Richie's songs.
We'd be singing them in the house together,
and then I meet Lionel Richie.
So I'm like, "This is amazing.
"Lionel Richie, my mom and I we used to dance
"to your music when I was a kid.
"Can I take a picture?
"I'm gonna send it to my mom."
My mom doesn't care about any celebrities,
so I'm like this is the one time my mom's gonna be like,
"Wow, you met Lionel Richie!"
So I took the picture and I sent it to my mom.
And then emailed it to her, I was like,
"Mom, look, huh, what do you think?"
And then she replies and she's like,
"Wow, you're getting fat." (audience laughs)
And I was like, "Okay, but, uh, let's move over that.
"First of all the camera adds 20 pounds.
"But let's talk about the other person in the picture,
"Lionel Richie."
And then she was like, "Oh yes, oh, that's nice."
(audience laughs)
And I was like, "Oh, okay.
"Oh, wow, okay, that was a thing."
Like she just genuinely.
And then four, five days ago,
I guess she was on the internet,
which she doesn't regularly do,
she goes emails and then she's done,
she was on the internet,
and then my brother was going through pictures of me
or something, and then she was like,
"Hey, I saw a picture of you and Lionel Richie.
"When did that happen?" (audience laughs)
I was like, "It happened when I sent you the picture
"two and a half years ago."
And then she was like, "Which picture?
"Oh, the picture where you were fat."
Then I'm like (screams). (upbeat music)